Daylight Whispering by Magnolia

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Submission Name: Daylight Whispering dots

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Author:	Magnolia
ASL Info:	31/ F
Elite Ratio:	6.14 - 402/377/27
Words:	38

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	333
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	266

Description:
On the forums a day or so ago there was a writing exercise where you had to write a poem using the words Pine, weary, smoke, light , day, and whispering...well I cheated a bit, but what I found was an inspiration for a particular moment that I always wanted to write about. Last summer, my husband and daughter and I spent a week at a ranch in the mountains, it was unbelievably beautiful. That first morning there, no one was up yet except for me, and this is how I felt...

Daylight Whispering dots

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Daylight whispering
like the voice of a small child
begging for my awakening

Weary bones arise
Go forth into this mountain morning
The Juniper and Spruce are lined up
like suitors
awaiting your hand.

Submitted on 2005-02-21 18:01:11 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I really enjoyed this poem. I really liked...
"Daylight whispering
like the voice of a small child
begging for my awakening"

That was just so special and heart touching.
I never use to be a morning person and somedays I am still not but, some mornings I get up really early can't go back to sleep so I go out in the early morning light to gaze up to the skys.
It is a very pretty poem, I can really relate to what you are expressing, nice work. Thankyou for sharing, Smiles...
| Posted on 2005-08-09 00:00:00 | by pj5 | [ Reply to This ]
  I was never a morning person, René...I believe you have, once again, created something quite magical - or effectively captured the magic of the morning that I rarely see, and it actually makes me want to wake up at a ridiculous hour, just to try and see, hear, smell or feel the magic that I feel from reading your poem...

You did cheat a little (you cheeky lady you) - and I think if you were to incorporate the words you left out, it would work really well...something like "Go forth into this smokey mountain morning"...not too sure where pine would go, but you get my point

Also, a little confusing with the change of voice - first stanza is 'my', second stanza is 'your' - so maybe think about tweaking that a bit?

Well, this was a morning poem, and so I had to pick at it at least a little - I cannot just give up my fear of the early hours without a battle But, once again, your magic is here, it brings this piece alive, and I cannot wait for your next post!

Much love,

Katia
| Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this a lot. It's a sweet little chunk of minimalism. I like the idea of morning being gentle like the voice of a small child. It's usually like an evil gremlin stabbing my eyes with a bayonet or something. I really like:

The Juniper and Spruce are lined up
like suitors
awaiting your hand.

That's a sweet tribute to nature. It makes me think of a scene from Gone With the Wind. It's like the trees are eager to see you. Sometimes it does feel that way.
| Posted on 2005-04-08 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  Daylight whispering
like the voice of a small child
begging for my awakening

Weary bones arise!
Go forth into this mountain morning
The Juniper and Spruce are lined up
like suitors
awaiting your hand.

I liked this poem. But I think you can make it better. Its already good. But lots of potencial to make it better.

GOod luck..
Don't listen to me.. You have it nicely done, so don't change anything..
stephanie
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
  I, too, think this one is full of potential. I do like it as it is, but oh, what you could do with it if you wished!

Your first stanza was simply beautiful. Actually, the whole thing was. Nice job out of a writing exercise. Sometimes some of the best stuff comes out of an exercise doesn't it? mae
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
  Daylight whispering
like the voice of a small child
begging for my awakening

this is such good imaginary. i absolutely love how you have started this. i really do.

i think if you add to this, it would kind of ruin the beauty of what you already have. i mean, i really like this. i cant even come up with anything constructive to say. sorry i cant give any kind of advice other than DONT CHANGE IT
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by SilentWhisper | [ Reply to This ]
  you have some interesting imagery here and i think you could really go somewhere with it, should you wish to.
what strikes me is that you have just got into it as such and then you have stopped.
it would be a shame if you spent the time as you did and were inspired as you were and only came back with nearly nine lines of writing to show for it.
my suggestions would be to take it to another level. include more of your feelings of the surroundings and what they did for you; how they made you feel. there must be endless possibility for analogy and imagery.
for example:
[and do not get me wrong, i think your first three lines are excellent]
'Daylight whispering
like the voice of a small child
begging for my awakening'
what is your daylight whispering?
how is it effecting you. you tell what it does in an abrupt manner, but you could tell us what impression the light has on you, how it relates to where you are, perhaps even in comparison to where you are used to being [home].
i think that the exclamation mark in your fourth line is a little cheesy and you do not need it; the line is exclamatory enough without it.
and again here you have a nice analogy
'Go forth into this mountain morning
The Juniper and Spruce are lined up
like suitors
awaiting your hand.'
[though would suitors await your hand?]
but i feel you could explain why they await you. what is it that you are going to do there and feel there that really makes you want to be there and enjoy it so much as a getaway.
but then that is just my opinion, and if you want to leave it as it is; unanswered, well it is your piece to do so.
take care
on1eday.co.uk
| Posted on 2005-02-22 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  Well done!
I love the image of walking and talking with the trees...fantastic.
Makes me think of the Ents, and learning the history that they've seen in their long lives. ;)

And the exercise sounds interesting, I may try it myself.
| Posted on 2005-02-22 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
  I like it...I get this feeling while at my family's cabin down in southern Ohio...just woods and air and beauty and quiet...great place to think. And you're right, the day feels like it's calling you to join it...never at home do I feel so energized to live and experience the world. Perhaps cause it's beautiful.

I like how the voice of daylight is a "small child" Gives the impression of a growing light (sunrise).
I also liked "suitors awaiting your hand". That gives the impression that nature wants you to be a part of it on a romantic escape...great piece...I can smell the air.
| Posted on 2005-02-22 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
  I absolutely loved this imagery. How many times have I tried to get just another half hour's sleep to no avail, because of the nudging of a small child's voice. Similarly a beautiful morning "whispers" -come on-wake up!-and we are not disappointed.One can alwasy catch up on one's sleep, but it's not every day that "The Juniper and Spruce are lined up
like suitors"-inviting you to "seize" the day.
This is perfect minimalism encapsulating a special moment,-the kind that often go unnoticed in this busy world.
Sally
| Posted on 2005-02-22 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
  I like how much you have packed into this one. I noticed one inconsistant point, you start out speaking of yourself, and end up speaking of the reader. I'd just change the last part to "my hand" Might also try the last line of the first strophe as simply "begging me awake"
Beautiful image of the trees, nice simile too, lined up like suitors.
Dave
| Posted on 2005-02-26 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  this is very pretty and makes waking to a new day quite romantic and tender. comparing the whisper of daylight to the voice of a child is just sweet. then you rise, weary, only to see the beauty of the trees awaiting you. simple and beautiful, my friend. i like the minimalism here. no need to say any more. it makes daylight and waking a pleasant thing indeed!
| Posted on 2005-02-26 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh ya, real good work here. I love how you say like a voice from a small child, begging for my awakening. brilliant words. Like an inocent voice so young yet older than knowlage with its message. Sometimes the shortest poems can be the most longing story of feeling. One of my poems speaks about the bible when adam and eve fit into the story. Now I don't see it the way others see it, I believe in evolution. I believe in both. See I think the bible is a complex detailed way of explaining evolution, useing people and other things to represent certain times and acts. Not everything makes sense when you explain it from different points and views, so I think the only way to fit the peaces togeather like numbers is useing it in a way that the numbers fit. There for writting it in a story useing people and events to poeticly get there point across. Like how Pink floyd does in dark side of the moon. What they put out as a message could'nt be written in any better form. Useing a bell to represent the division of childhood and adulthood. Like the song time. Their saying there is no such thing as time and it's what you make of it. In the confusion of life befor you realize it the bell rings and your older thinking where did the time go when you should'nt of worried about it at all. Then years later they use the same bell in the division bell record speaking of how you as a child were so drawn to becomeing an adult that you became one before you knew it and looking back you realized that the mind you have as a child is smarter in a way and more peacfull. Instead of turning into an adult you think you are one and you never see your life in two. Like the song says, the grass was greener, the light was brighter, with friends surounded, the nights of wonder. Even the song I know you've heard, wish you were here. I feel he's haveing a conversation with himself as a child and an adult asking his childhood mind what happened and how did they take and change his dreams. After all that he says and what have we found, the same old fear, wish you were here. Well sorry I ran on about all that I get carried away sometimes. what I meant to show you was the short poem that talks of the bible and evolution in the way I see it fit togeather. the poem was
ADAM & EVE
The devil dances with mother nature as father time wispers angry melodies. Across silent noise a posion leaks through hope. Reason!
Well sorry about all that, your poem was really good and I'm putting as a fav. thanks again.
| Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by jermwerm | [ Reply to This ]

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