Description: *****HELP ME TITLE THIS************
(I dont like this one)
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This afternoon I woke with the wanting to write but, I guess what we call writers block kind of took over or I was hungover. Either way this is the result of staring at the paper with nothing on it for 2 1/2 hours and almost a six pack.
The VicesThat Grip -------------------------------------------
Time
dissevers
my every defect.
Unlike a fine wine
that gets better.
I become less perfect.
Obvious
and blatant.
They pillage
my village till I'm vacant
and less willing
to live. (I can't take it)
Drugs
and alcohol,
hiding the shame
My vices, my loves
both downfalls,
Welcoming mats for pain.
Drink
and smoke
the borrowed air away.
Tic toc I think.
I'm the but of this joke
in this ash tray life today.
L A M E M A S T E R M S
-----------I/I------------
awww you sound so sad. i hope you feel better. i really like what you have said. BUT the rhyming was way off on certain areas to the point that when i read it, i kinda didnt even hear the rhyme, just seen that it was suppose to. know what i mean? count the syllables, it helps
Lets see...If you consider that you were hungover and had a sixpack, forget the rhyming issues, and akward lines...this is a great poem. Truth be told I am not appreciating this poem as much as I have some of your others. I usally like to stay away from rhyming, but when it is done, try and make sure you have consistency. I think also in some of the lines you had too much repition, but that's my take. Maybe get some sleep, have some water and try again tomorrow.
I was just kidding about the sleep. The revision is better. The first stanza is great, good rhyming, good flow. I wouldn't change anything. In the second stanza in the third line, define what it is. Don't use any more words, it is just to plain to be in a poem. Let's see in the third stanza i would have worded it:
"Drugs and alcohol- My medicine for pain. My every love Becomes my downfall- Dangerously close, But one in the same."
Something like that. The fourth stanza: Drink and smoke the time away. Another bottle I think... What a joke they broke me more and more every single day.
It would flow better like this: Drink and smoke The time away Another bottle I think... What a joke- They break me more Every single day.
I think with these changes, which you don't have to do, it would be a much better poem.
Mike, f time "disservers" your defects, you have fewer of them. You become more perfect. I don't think this is what you wish to say. Try something like "Time burnishes" or some sort of growing stalactite image like "Time deposits lime on " After "I become less perfect" you could even carry on your wine analogy with a joke"I am corked", in the sense that organisms have polluted your wine and it is now mouldy. "Blatant" is a great rhyme with "vacant". Make "obviously" into "obvious" so it is the same part of speech as "blatant". I could see "and ravages" added after "pillages" especially as it echos the word shape of "vacant" to come. There is something wrong with singular "love" trying to agree with the plural verb form "are". What about a pun by replacing "my every love now are my downfalls" with "My pick-me-ups are now my downfall"? However, even without these suggestions, this is a worthy poem. I only suggested improvements because you sort of asked. Have a nice day. Lay off the booze. Arthur
This thrid stanza if wonderful. I have been there before. This is almost like some letter from my past.
Vacent and less willing to live.
Yes. Yes indeed.
There's nothing wrong with taking suggestions. But never let anyone redefine your voice for you. Once you've found a style you work on improving your own sound, your own uniqness. Even if only one person out there understands or "gets " your voice, then good. Screw the rest. Youve got much game if you ask me. I wonder sometimes if you realize how good you are at this.
"Drink and smoke the borrowed air away. Tic toc I think. I'm the but of this joke in this ash tray life today." I freakin LOVE that last stanza, it's awesome as hell. The whole thing was very interesting but the way it all was tied up at the end just totally grabbed me and I had to comment. For being just a spur of the moment write, as you described, it came out pretty great. I'm sorry you don't like it, but I do. Keep postin.
Submission Name: The VicesThat Grip
