Description: the title sucks...
i was trying out this thing where every stanza had 14 syllables.. with L1 having 4 syllables.. L2 and L3 each having 5...but then i fucked up on one... and again on another...so.. if anyone has any advice on that, it would be appreciated...
this is still a work in progress.. i got stuck.. so, i'm asking for any and all assistance.. dont be afraid to be honest...
flight of tears -------------------------------------------
Last night she wept
salt water oceans
for dreams that have died.
Hurt. Fear. Sadness.
within single drops
dry on her face.
Baring her elan vital.
Tonight she wonders
what has become
of those tears she cried.
Will they travel
to the kindred soul
that tells her he cares?
Or lie in wait
for triste hazel eyes
to let them flow again.
Well, that certainly didn't format well, did it? Let me try it again, a little differently so you can tell where one line ended and another began. I'll put slashes between the line that exists and my suggested line.
Tonight she wonders/ Wond'ring tonight what has become/ what ever became of those tears she cried/ of those tears she cried.
Will they travel to the kindred soul /OK AS IS that tells her he cares?
Or lie in wait/ Or lie in wait for triste hazel eyes/ to flow yet again to let them flow again. /from sad hazel eyes.
Hopefully, that's easier to follow. Sorry about that. mae
There is absolutely nothing wrong with structured poetry. It does not stifle creativity; in fact, in my opinion it requires an especially creative person to pull it off. It also requires discipline. Don't be afraid to completely ditch a whole line and rewrite it. You aren't rhymng, so you don't have that additional consideration to keep in mind.
As far as this poem goes, I would like to see you use more metaphorical or at least poetic-sounding words. To say she cried salt water oceans is not particularly original and listing the emotions as hurt, fear, sadness is rather plain, though I also like the idea of a single emotion held in each teardrop.
And I'm afraid I just don't understand what you're trying to say with the last line of the third stanza, so I can't really suggest any changes to make it fit the structure. sorry. Following are some suggestions to make the later stanzas fit.
Tonight she wonders Wond'ring tonight what has become what ever became of those tears she cried. of those tears she cried.
Will they travel to the kindred soul OK AS IS that tells her he cares?
Or lie in wait Or lie in wait for triste hazel eyes to flow yet again to let them flow again. from sad hazel eyes.
And, oh yes, I do hope you're ignoring Cyanide's comments TOTALLY. Sheesh. mae
I think with poems full of emotion and human actions it's very difficult to commit to a certain number of syllables. I think it's very good practice to try this, and you might actually cry from the frustration, and it becomes authentic. I would use the idea you have and write the same thoughts as your stanzas have now. You'll get a better poem and it will sound great. As for the "Flight of Tears" yes, he could feel her sadness, in a quiet moment, perhaps he thought of her and maybe wondered why he left. Thanks for sharing, peace and love, Nan
I'm at a loss here, because I'm one that believes strict form restricts the creativity and message of a piece, so when you say you are trying to stay within this form but failing and then ask for advice I'm not sure where to go. My instincts are to advise you to abandon the form altogether and work on expanding the ideas created in your opening stanza.
I'm gonna forgo that part of the comment and get on with a more traditional appraisel of what you've written so far. I find your idea of a single emotion hiding in each tear to be fascinating. This is to say that the tears have a life of their own and fall independently of one another. I'm not sure that I've ever read or heard of such an idea.
From there, your narrator wonders what has become of these tears (emotions). Do they make it to the one they were inspired by, or simply go back to there place of origin and wait to be expelled again. This too is an interesting idea.
So, you have two ideas to work with here. I think the piece stands well as it is, but then you have to ask yourself if you've done what you set out to do. If your intention is to write this within the structure that you laid out, it seems to me that you can easily reword those lines that fail in that task.
dry on her face. Evaporating. Exposing her zeal
Now she wonders what fate lies in wait (or "hold" to eliminate the repetition, or change the other one) for those tears she cried
Or wait in cells for triste hazel eyes to set free once more.
Something to that effect. A lot of ways you can go. If this is the true objective, open up to altering some of the lines that fit in order to make the ones that don't fit work. Personally, if I were to change it at all I would scrap the format and focus on the idea of each tear holding its own emotion.
Sorry if I've rambled and left you with nothing more than when you started.
I really like the idea of someone being able to feel my tears no matter how far away they are. That's an amazing concept. Like recently, I've been crying for a friend who was in a car wreck and they didn't think he'd make it. I want him and his family to know that he's been in my thoughts and prayers. *Thank goodness reports are better today. We think he'll make it.* I really enjoyed this. I love the beginning too because it opens with a good vision of the ocean. Great job. :) -blt
your first stanza packs a punch. i could understand exactly how this would feel and have been there.
i think there might be a better way to write the second stanza. just listing the emotions seems a bit trite.
i know that for me, when i care about someone so deeply, i think i can feel their pain. so when you talk about the tears traveling to the one who cares, i know what you mean. i love "triste hazel eyes." very unique. i always find crying to be rather healing, as much as it hurts. oh, and in regards to your journal, no, you do not suck!
Yup, the title sucks. It hasn't got much in the way of connection and reveals nothing about the piece. That's not the problem, though. The problem is that the poem reveals nothing about the title.
The feeling was alright, I suppose. It wasn't as powerful as you were probably aiming for but it wasn't void. It didn't leave a mark in me like fantastic poetry is supposed to do. But fantastic poetry is impossible to write, so I can settle with alright poetry. This is alright poetry.
One thing that caught me off guard was that the beginning of the third stanza was not capitalized. You've got yourself a self-consistent language and punctuation scheme and I know that it is not supposed to be capitalized, but since the beginning of every other stanza is capitalized it becomes an oddball (egg, if you like ). Of course this is only a minor detail but this poem needs more then minor fixes.
I think the problem is that the image is not consistent. As everyone here has noted the first stanza packs the biggest punch and I think it is because it offers a concrete metaphorical picture that we can grasp. But then after that all the other stanzas deviate into less specific images and more specific emotions. When writing a poem I believe it is vital to stick to one medium; give us either light or dark. On one hand you can provide vivid visual images and color that relate to your topic (light) or you can feed us heart and emotion and make us feel what you do (dark). Do you dig it?
Alright then. I think that's all I can dish out for now. Heck, what does Eggman know about poetry, anywho? Anyways, give this a complete engine overhaul and have specific visual and theme in mind. Give it some proper posture. Oh, and rethink your title. And send me one of those scarfs.