Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: FAKEdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jassal
    ASL Info:    20/m/india
    Elite Ratio:    3.41 - 57/37/6
    Words: 796
    Class/Type: Story/Serious
    Total Views: 281
    Average Vote:    2.0000
    Bytes: 4022



    Description:
       i have always liked to read sci fi. This is my try at it. Hope you like it. Please give your honest comments and insults


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFAKEdots
    -------------------------------------------


    .
    Fake
    Times had changed and with it the friendship of nature’s apex- man, and machines apex- robot, had grown stronger. Childless couples would adopt robots, and robots would take positions earlier reserved for humans. Both of them were so alike that no one could tell the difference…….
    Mr. Thomson also loved robots, one of the many reasons, and the foremost was that they were the cause of his many bank accounts and their ever-flowing contents. Mr. Thomson had always striven for perfection, his Mechmen Inc the source of his income was no exception .He ruled the robot marked and manufactured the best robots. All competition was left eons behind, thanks to Mr. Thomson’s genius.
    Mr. Thomson smiled as he got up (5:30 sharp, as always). He looked out of his room’s window; the sun had just risen making his garden look green with life. His smile broadened, life was so good! His latest venture of robot doctors had paid very handsomely. The robot doctor’s diagnoses was so accurate, and their hand so steady in surgery, that in two years time people were so willing to give their lives in the cold hands of metal-intelligence, that human doctors had nearly been eradicated. Mr. Thomson had made a packet, all the worlds hospitals had paid him for their share of doctors. Mr. Thomson at the eve of his success wanted to fulfill his dream, that of a robot psychiatrist .All he had to do was to convince the board of directors. He decided to call on them that very day.
    At 9:00 Am sharp Mr. Thomson entered his office, in his signature charcoal gray suit with a blue tie that had the logo of Mechmen Inc. embroidered on it. The board was already there in his office waiting for him. As he entered, they rose, murmured their greetings and got down to business. Mr. Thomson argued that men who were so logical must be logically built, thus a robot could easily handle them. The board was apprehensive , they felt that humans were not so simple and that a robot could never understand them. Being the owner Mr. Thomson could have easily forced the directors to change their decision, but Mr. Thomson was a man of principles. He wanted the board to see the light in a logical fashion and not solely by force. The meeting ended by the fixing of a later date, on which Mr. Thomson prove his point by the means of live examples and studies.
    Mr. Thomson had no time to waste. The same evening he dressed up in his casuals and went to the nearest drug –bar. Inside he saw a lone man with an aura of a lost soul, he went upto him and sat by him. The man was hesitant but one shot of his favorite payed for by Mr. Thomson helped soften him a little. Mr. Thomson asked him a few questions,the man eagerly answered hoping that his help to Mr. Thomson would yield more free shots.
    Mr. Thomson asked the man “why do you take this stuff?”
    Thinking sympathy would get him more shots the man replied “ if I don’t take my shots, my hands smells up, my head aches so much that I’m sure I’d die…”
    Mr. Thomson was disturbed, but he continued ”do you know that this substance will ultimately lead to your death? “
    “ Yes I know, I die I little to live another day” smiling the man answered.
    Mr. Thomson’s head was spinning, he closed his eyes and thought drugs cause death but not taking them also causes death. He dies to live. He dies to live he……..him mind was spinning faster and faster….
    Mr. Thomson’s body slumped onto the table. The man suspecting something disappeared into the night.
    When bar owner saw the figure slumped on the table, he quickly called the ambulance ,the doctor declared Mr. Thomson dead. But no one could tell the cause of his death, there was no mark on his body, no injuries and Mr. Thomson looked very fit. No one could understand the smell of burning silicon chips that came from the corpse.







    Submitted on 2005-02-22 10:10:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I have to say the ending is definatly one where if it were a movie...everyone would be dying to leave until they saw it. very interesting end. good twist- can tell that you like sci_Fi. some parts in the begin were a little dry...if you know what I mean...maybe if you added some more words that either tell what Mr.Thompson is thinking or what he is feeling. also you could go into the life of the robots and humans coinciding a bit more...maybe make a problem arise between them and then go to the drug-bar scene? just a suggestion. I enjoyed this story very much in the larger scheme. good write! also the title- tho good for the story- might be part of the reason not so many people looked at it at first...it didn't really speak out to me without the story.
    good write!
    Peace
    | Posted on 2005-10-02 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the ending ~ we are such a paradox that he just couldn't "compute". I thought it was good for a short story - it had some good elements that could be expanded upon but I was drawn in and stayed till the end.
    Keep on with the stories! Love,Peace,Joy! tif
    | Posted on 2005-09-29 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Ha. A twist of an ending. That's where it is all worthwhile. But ending aside, there is a lot of room for improvment on the rest of the piece.

    I noticed a few obvious structural errors going through. I really do not want to get into grammar right now and I think it is better if you find them for yourselves. A writer can usually get by with a few, but read the piece aloud to yourself and I'm sure you'll stumble at a few areas. This is the best way to find them. And be sure to read it a few times afterwards. A writer can be blind to his mistakes if he knows what he means. But don't stress too much over the grammar because in terms of content, there are areas you need to focus more attention.

    Although the overall concept was good, you executed it dryly. It's showing a story to a reader vs telling a story to a reader. Most of the ideas in here were told to us. Mr. Thomson did this, Mr. Thomson did that. Show us more description and feeling. What lacked here was an overall tone and feeling. I want to see the men of the meeting. I want to see the emotion of the presentation. But when I say description and feeling, don't go overboard. Avoid flowery writing (flowery is a terrible word, if you catch the point). Just give us more of a mood and setting and a sharper perspective through character.

    Finally, one thing I felt you didn't capitalize on enough was the idea of a robot psychiatrist. Coming away, that was the whole question/theme of the story. Present more ideas on the subject. Give some clearer arguments and counter-arguments. This is where the entire story is centered and to where you should center the reader.

    Overall, this is a fantastic and fascinating idea. It is a classic sci-fi question of humanity. It's an idea like this that makes for a great story. But you missed the mark. Try rewriting this (you'd better) with some of the messages above in mind. A writer tells a story from his heart, but tells a good story in his edit.

    I will check for a rewrite later.
    | Posted on 2005-09-27 00:00:00 | by Eggman | [ Reply to This ]
      So he himself was fake... interesting, evidently the conversation also had a role in his death. With his confusion, which he took as understanding it made his whole world colapse.
    The robot who thought he was human.. wasn't
    This does remind me of some certain movies,

    My mind is spinning right now because of thew fact that I cannot remember the name of them.
    There was one with a boy, who was to replace another boy in a family, but it got out of had and it ended with the robot boy dying aswell.

    The other is of course " I Robot"

    The story does definately have some originality to it...the fact that there are human couples adopting robots. And robot doctors performing procedures in which a real man or woman would do. And of course the thought of creating a robot psychiatrist. But that right there would of course give the whole story away in the end because in no way would a human have a robot try to tell them how to live their life, or take care of their children and so on.

    There also is alot of chiche parts, try to stick to the originality and you have a good story...a real good story, different is good, monotnous isn't when it comes to writing.

    Keep going with your Sci-Fi ambitions, if you enjoy it and it raises your eye brows, that is awesome.

    >>>>brax
    | Posted on 2005-09-25 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good I thought. I found it interesting even though the sci fi is not really my thing. That is just me though. Not sure I would do anything to it unless you were making this chapter number one of a book. Keep on writing. God Bless, Dawn
    | Posted on 2005-09-27 00:00:00 | by Dawnyd | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.