Description: This is one that I wrote for my daughter Savanna...it is my newest. These are pieces of memories from when she was still a small child. I know there are probably some things that could use tweaking, but I have spent alot of time on it already and I just needed to get it out. I would appreciate any feedback.
Reverie on a Beach -------------------------------------------
A periwinkle seashell
gathered in the gauze
of my skirts
as we comb this blinding beach
a tin pail in your tiny grip
A laughing eyed child
cheeks kissed crimson by the sun
delicately painted coral toes
peaking through the
toasted grains of sand
as we build our mystical castle
A snapshot of two dainty figures
ginger hair entwined like fishnets
and joined deeper
than this sunlit sea we skim
with our paper boats
A succulent burst of a tangerine
the juice slightly stinging
our sunburned lips
as we whisper of make-believe things
under the emerald eaves
of a fairy's cottage
A cricket lullaby at dusk
the luminous moon, soon laughing
over painted clouds
as we count the falling stars
sprinkling the dunes in majesty
A single wisp of an eyelash
rescued from your dewy cheek
a wish for the young woman
you will soon become;
a beacon of radiant light
leading me home
in the memories of your youth
Wow great poem from you, this is what i am expected from poem, you know hard to be understand, you have a good collection of vocabulary, you also have a good explanation on your poem, you rockz, keep the good job
Wee it seems you have enough feed back now that you could choke if not carefull. I really liked this piece and it is a simple poem with simple words but it is so descriptive, You did a good job of painting the picture for us of the little girl and a I guess woman but you know what not oncer in the pieece do you say if you are either person there are a few refrernces to them both but never persdonal enough to distinguish wether they are you or not [interesting] i lioke that, The beach you did well with this uis basically a wonderfull day at the beach kind of recaoturing childhood memories living vicariously through the liittle girl-who could be you and the older person could be you aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh I think I see good one really likied it very much ~L.t
this is really beautiful, and i can't understand why no one has commented. it is very whimsical and fresh and speaks of your love for your daughter. you painted a gorgeous picture of the two of you on the beach. i wouldn't change a thing about this. it is sweet and tender and filled with love.
Very vivid imagery of all sorts, sights, tastes, smells and sounds. I think you might look at altering the syntax because each part is presented the same way, and I feel like it tires as it drags on. For example, instead of this:
A periwinkle seashell gathered in the gauze of my skirts as we comb this blinding beach a tin pail in your tiny grip
Shift some elements to this:
As we comb this blinding beach with a tin pail in your tiny grip a periwinkle seashell gathers in the gauze of my skirts.
Of course you would probably tinker a bit more with it, but just switch the order a bit rather than have each stanza start with "A..."
I think a lot of people might not have commented because it does have somewhat of a tedious feeling to it, but more than that they might not be able to relate and they don't want to insult something that is as genuine as a poem for your daughter.
I think it's very descriptive, and I enjoyed the use of vocabulary. I think I agree mostly with what Sandburg said, except the way he/she switched around your first stanza. But we all have our own way of doing things.
It's very honest, and the thing I like the most is how you compare your daughter on a equal level with you consistantly throughout the whole thing. It's refreshing how you are doing everything together, and that you are realizing how time will fly and she'll be a grown woman before you know it. Timeless I'd say. I love kids, none of my own and I plan on waiting quite a while for them. I'd only have them with a certain someone, so we'll see if that ever happens. But it's always awesome to see people talk/write about their own, so I can just imagine what it'll be like. Thanks for posting.
This is wonderful, I think that all of the pieces listed you have put in the prose category, this one I would definitely change. It depends on how you break lines as to whether or not you've written poetry or prose. I love the images, I can see your girl and enjoy the feel of your love, it's a beautiful balance you maintain, because having too much information for the mind destroys the soulful feel of the piece. I think this is wonderful and I'm feeling proud that you identify with my work, that's a lovely compliment. Thanks for sharing this sweet write, peace,
there is definitely many similarities in this piece to the last and your mosrecent that i have just commented on. it is interesting to see the same style, the same structure, similar use of words and such. i would say that most of the things that i said before would apply here in my opinion. you have a structure that you have set yourself that does not really fit the loose, airy and dreamy way that you write your words, and again you have removed all the punctuation except for two things which conceptually does not make any sense. halfway house. and the houses stick out like the taj mahal in the bronx. i would agree with dave in that you could change how you start your stanzas. i think if this were intentional and as a device to provoke something then it would be fine, but i am not sure that i see this, and so i think a little rewording may give your piece more dynamics. with this style it is hard for us to move on becasue we are always coming back to the same point. like circles. and your words have more forward movement.
so i dont want to repeat myself in saying all the things i have said before.
again your words are evocative and emotional. very very feminine and maternal. you convey well the nature in which there is love for this child without directly saying it, and this is an effective poetic device. you use nature as i would expect you to, and any poet who is alike, because this is where you are at your element if you will pardon the pun. i would say that the fine line between what is emotive and what is cliché has been overstepped slightly here. the following images/phrases for me are not original enough: 'the luminous moon' and 'over painted clouds,' and 'count the falling stars,' and they all happen to fall in one stanza. but again this is just my opinion and i know that you re ok with me saying this. i also have a problem with one analogy: 'peaking through the toasted grains of sand as we build our mystical castle' i am not sure how you would peek through grains of toasted sand. you would have to be a microorganism to have the ability to see through grains of sand, and whereas i think toasted is nice and the image is nice, i think you need to change grains to something that you would have to look past, like the sandcastle itself. and i guess that is just being picky.
again you procrastinate here. you are all floppy airy light and fairy whimsical and impulsive and i think you could be a little more detailed, accurate and intelligent with it, but you do create pictures and colours with your words, as you did beofre, and this proves me that the last was no fluke on that front. it also proves to me a lot about your person, re-inforcing the things you told me, and showing the differences between me and you. and this is fine. and dandy. i really can see the long floral skirts and the sandy feet and the straggly hair and the laughter. i will never fully understand the maternal [unless i get a sex change, and that operation would be too much of a task for the doctors ;-)] [cough] but this shows me how it could/would be. too feminine for my own tastes? yes. good at what i think it is doing? yes. take care on1eday.co.uk
Seldom have I read a piece that, just using ordinary, everyday words, is so incredibly descriptive.
A periwinkle seashell/gathered in the gauze/of my skirts.
A laughing-eyed child/cheeks kissed crimson by the sun
A succulent burst of a tangerine/ the juice slightly stinging/our sunburned lips.
There are no words there that require a dictionary to decipher them, but I can picture with total clarity each scene they describe.
I came to check out your work after seeing what was written about your style in one of the writing challenges on the forum. I'm so very glad I did. This was a magnificent piece. As there always is, I'm sure I could find something that would bear changing, but why would I want to do that to such a lovely piece? Well, simply, I wouldn't. Thank you for sharing this sweet memory. mae