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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Of Better Daysdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rounin
    ASL Info:    17/f/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 122/113/21
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Misc/Happy
    Total Views: 1285
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 682



    Description:
       I wrote this nearly a year ago, and I credit it to being my very first serious piece of writing. Thanks to the one who got me started. :) I just dug it up last night, and still it hits me... they were good days.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOf Better Daysdots
    -------------------------------------------


    curled up and alone
    a serene mind
    a tranquil spirit
    I gently rest my head
    and sigh.
    Eyes begin to close
    and a calm yearning seeps in.
    A sunbeam falls on my face
    I draw in a breath of morning
    But faint desire keeps me drowsy.
    I stray out of thought and time,
    not finding even one solid thought to grasp-
    it's only a sea of nothing, a sea of everything.
    Only a flicker of a shadow
    brings my presence back into existence.
    A shiver escapes me
    The tears will not come.
    I toss the present behind me
    and follow your shadow.
    If only I could catch you.




    Submitted on 2005-02-23 12:52:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This just made me feel like curling up, closing my eyes with some Enya playing in the background and letting myself drift away like you do in the poem. The ending is so swift and beautiful, something that gives the poem a more distinct face.

    I toss the present behind me
    and follow your shadow.
    If only I could catch you.

    I would very much like to understand who you are talking to, but I think you meant it to stay vague like this, so that each could identify themselves with it. Such a sensation cannot be lost. I usually find myself caught up in the madness and stress of this life that I force my mind to release everything it grips onto so tightly and let my mind float away. It brings such relief!

    Loved it, dear! Very good job! Don't ever forget those days!

    drika
    | Posted on 2005-04-25 00:00:00 | by silverdrika | [ Reply to This ]
      That semi-world of neither asleep nor awake beckons. The birthing day brings dread and cerebral fog -- no shapes, no sharpness, only crushing burden. But the semi-world holds a dark glass, and through it you glimpse where there was content and some happiness in the be-fore. Is that the "shadow"? Can you ever go back? Can it be found again?

    This piece is haunting, a bit out of control. Reminds me of that moment when you realize you must become something -- time has washed you into a new reality -- but you're not prepared, and you're not willing. It's the threshhold each person must cross -- for some it seems to come easily -- but for you it will be excruciating. Somewhere, underneath it all, there's a mournful wail, "Why me?".

    Not sure I got that right, but to me this is a powerful piece -- huge symbolism of life in that waking moment -- and you haven't discovered how to deal with it yet.

    bent
    | Posted on 2005-02-23 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]
      this was a quite peaceful poem with a subtle love for a person you couldn't tell your love about.

    Its was very good poem ,especially for being your first attempt at something serious.
    | Posted on 2005-02-23 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Very peaceful however not very original. Excellent for the first piece of serious literature. It is very relaxing...

    CUrled up and alone.

    I love that. I would like to see more imagery and word play in this one.
    | Posted on 2005-02-23 00:00:00 | by xtremegentleman | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem brings out some sort of sad calmness, something bittersweet, which i like very much, i always like this feeling. I especially liked the end "If only I could catch you", everything eventually turns to love, the longing for someone. Nice work!
    | Posted on 2005-02-23 00:00:00 | by AutumnLeaves | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece is very well written and flows nicely and is sadly romantic. There wasn't anything I didn't like about it. It's fun and educational to pull up pieces of old and see where you started and where you're at now! Great job! Love, Peace, Joy!
    | Posted on 2005-02-23 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the adjustments, but I'm kinda a sucker for the originals, what can I say?

    It's great either way. Such memories, and how reluctant you were to propose it the inital time...brings me back. The struggles back then, the pressure to bring you out but not break you... Seems like I'd never get to where I am today.

    The first comment that was posted I totally disagreed with, but that's alright, poetry should be like an ink blot to each person that reads it. It takes talent to write that way and I envy you for that. I envy you for more than that but that's a whole nother story =P. Keep it up, pro.
    | Posted on 2005-02-24 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nicely done. I liked the flow and imagery of this poem. Calm and relaxing. Easy to visualize while reading it. How often do we do that? Just kind of sitting there thinking about absolutely nothing. Good job. Enjoyable.
    | Posted on 2005-02-28 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]


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