Description: Just something I wrote this morning, as I thought about why do I write and enjoy it. What am I trying to accomplish by this?
"A Lame Mans Terms" -------------------------------------------
Letters are an implement.
Making words in a sentance
Taking you for a ride till the meaning ascends.
A painter without paint.
Like a mime without hands.
I 'm giving you a piece of me
to help you better understand.
Every thought of mine.
Within each rhyme.
Only me trying to release
what you have inside.
Meaning isn't always atop the surface.
The deepest cuts aren't the ones that hurt worst.
Sometimes answers are just below.
Below that place we really don't want to go.
Then when you least expect it.
Someone goes and erects it.
Takes your once happy song.
Brings out feelings you haven't felt for so long.
No matter simple or complex.
A wise man once said "We don't wear our expresions on our chest".
This is quite the same.
From a man. A man a little lame.
Not lame like a cripple.
But lame as in simple.
Easy to understand.
Every child, woman and man.
All I did was set the stage,
for you are the star,
of each and every page....
I think of this piece as very much personally about you, Lame and that's not a bad thing. This is the kind of piece that would go well at a reading. I think there are some thoughts that extend into repetition of ideas just to keep a rhyme pattern established. If take those ideas and say exactly what you mean, you'll find an internal rhyme very naturally that works quite well. You might want to play with it, a bit. I do like the last four lines, you have a genuine intent to communicate in a simple way, and I'm fond of that idea too. Thanks for sharing this one, peace,
Indeed... Though not exactly what every poet is thinking when they write a piece... I do agree that a very select few lines are forced and that kinda does mess up and almost perfect flow.... Otherwise an incredibly good writing and oh so true... A lame man??? Nay, i say you are incredibly adept at writing... Great Job. .Caleb.
yes, this is a personal reportage and this is fine. i might aswell get the sh-it out of the way first and then give you some input on your thoughts. firstly you have a few typo's: sentence in line 2 you need and apostrophe before the 't' in 'till expressions in line 21. and then i would suggest the following for punctuation. you have chosen to use one line sentences, but i feel this prohibits the movement of the piece, and very often you do not actually have one line sentences even though you have made them so, so here it is, as i see it:
'Letters are an implement[ ] [m]aking words in a sentence[,] [t]aking you for a ride 'till the meaning ascends[:] [a] painter without paint['] [l]ike a mime without hands. I 'm giving you a piece of me to help you better understand[ ] [e]very thought of mine[ ] [w]ithin each rhyme[;] [o]nly me trying to release what you have inside. Meaning isn't always atop the surface[;] The deepest cuts aren't the ones that hurt [the most]. Sometimes answers are just below[,] [b]elow that place we really don't want to go. Then when you least expect it[ ] [s]omeone goes and erects it. Takes your once happy song [and] [b]rings out feelings you haven't felt for so long. No matter [how] simple or complex [a] wise man once said "We don't wear our expressions on our chest[.'] This is quite the same[ ] From a man[,] A man a little lame[-] [n]ot lame like a cripple[,] [b]ut lame as in simple [and] [e]asy to understand[:] Every child, woman and man. All I did was set the stage, for you are the star[ ] of each and every page[.]'
and that is what i see. it reads a little less like a rap song or something like that.
and as for what you are saying, well yes you make it clear and in your way. you tell it how it is, a little raw and uncut with no frills or kidology, just there. and there is something alluring about this method. and something personal. your use of writing as a tool is interesting and i guess we all do it for different reasons. and these are yours. take care on1eday.co.uk
Don't you just hate it when people want to punctuate you ;). A self portrait in words? I dont see many of those. Funny you just commented on my piece "Writer's Block" and oddly enough, although it doesnt compare with this one, there seems to be a little bit of overlapping ideas in the two. Thanks for the support by the way and I think this one is fine just the way it is. To change a thing in it would be to change yourself.
Submission Name: "A Lame Mans Terms"
