Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: DOES THAT COMPLETE YOUR ORDER?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xtremegentleman
    ASL Info:    22/m/FL
    Elite Ratio:    3.57 - 595/778/82
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1668
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1373



    Description:
       Placing an order for the perfect woman. The ending is an urban truth. Some of you won't understand the ending. If you don't, contact me. I'll break it down for you.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDOES THAT COMPLETE YOUR ORDER?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Five foot three
    Thin but thick
    Totes her luggage in the back
    Does that thing with her lips

    Long hair, light skinned
    Real hair of course
    A sense of humor on the side
    A true love for the Lord

    A conservative thinker
    Hold the disdain and pride
    Let me get a social drinker
    Own place, own ride

    Non smoker, motivator
    Submissive and sweet
    (Important!) Loves to cook
    But hates to eat

    Never jealous, always kind
    A friend to the gym
    Hold the baby daddy drama
    Never mind him

    More brains than body
    But lacking in neither
    Always hungry for knowledge
    Listens to the preacher

    A stay at home kind of chick
    Not drawn to the clubs
    A Mama lion like Nyla
    Taking care of her cubs

    Hold the nagging, extra sweet
    A side order of passion
    Never plans to make love
    When it happens it happens

    Now that completes my order
    That'll do it for me
    Won't be bringing nothing back
    I've got all that I need

    ...Huh? Method of payment?
    Thought love was free--
    --"Well you can't get the burger
    If you don't have the cheese"




    Submitted on 2005-02-25 18:01:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Lol that waqs funny. But there are different meanings to that last phrase. I understand it but I want to know how you understand it. It's cool to know that there's poeple out htere who have got their priorities straight ( more or less). As much as it is to know that there's someone who wants someone so much like me. But out of curiosity, why so short? (that's my height and I'm only 14)
    | Posted on 2005-03-17 00:00:00 | by dead,yetalive | [ Reply to This ]
      oh wow i love this. you remind me somewhat of langston hughes. i typically despise poetry that rhymes because it often sounds fake and as if the writer is tryin too hard but you've written something very nice here. but it seems you tripped up in the last few stanzas like you were running out of ideas. just let the words flow. don't worry about rhyming.
    | Posted on 2005-02-25 00:00:00 | by narcolepsy | [ Reply to This ]
      lol, um, WORD! seriously awesome. if only it were that easy! me, my order would be "please have a pulse". seriously though, this flowed well, wasnt' too flowery, had consistent rhyme scheme...you've done well again
    | Posted on 2005-02-25 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      well hell X you are just spittin them out today!

    I will admit though the flow was interupted for me with this stanza


    Hold the nagging, extra sweet
    A side order of passion
    Never plans to make love
    When it happens it happens

    I had a smile on my face until I got here then I kinda did a HUH? then I re read it a second time and was like okay yea it does have the same flow as the rest.
    I'm not sure how to tweak it so that it flows the first time...and lol it might have just been me who thought this. :)

    this was (number 12 below) one ORIGIN AL! piece!
    | Posted on 2005-02-25 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this. I loved this poetry. I was reading it, it was actually kinda sounding like a song when I read it. Very much details. This had a sucessful flow. I don't care what the other people might've wrote. I thought it was really good.
    It must be a very amazing girl
    Good luck
    | Posted on 2005-02-25 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      Five foot three.. not five foot five??? SorryI was thinking of puffy's... why she hs to cook but not like to eat?and we women do not nag if you men didn't give us something to nag about... I like that you know that you gotta have something to bring to the table.... hope to read more..........
    | Posted on 2005-02-26 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]
      Yo this shyt is hot and i like the twist in the end,,, guess u didnt specify in the order that u aint want a money grabbing [censored]...
    But seriously brother , this piece is amazing man.
    Man, i see this girl that u painted right in front of me...

    I like this stanza.

    "A conservative thinker
    Hold the disdain and pride
    Let me get a social drinker
    Own place, own ride"
    | Posted on 2005-02-27 00:00:00 | by ariesmind | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall that was funny...yeah cute...but thats the way the world works. If you want a girl that's so puuuurfect toting the luggage in the back, long hair, looking all perfect, cooks but doesn't eat...I'm gettin sooo angry...then yuh have to pay for that bull[censored]. Plus if your tooting for black pride why the hell is being light skinned a plus in your puuurfect book. It shouldn't matter.Next...your order looks like yuh looking for a pretty personal assistant and if your hiring yuh have to pay. It's all superficial and if yuh want superficial yuh get superficial!TRUE? Overall it was witty but...I'm probably just in a funky mood...:)
    | Posted on 2005-02-27 00:00:00 | by rytrsbloc | [ Reply to This ]
      Not to sound weird, but when I read it to myself, I couldn't help but rap...Was that an effect you were going for? The syntax is spectacular...just a peppy sort of rhythm that makes you wanna keep reading! Great job!
    | Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by Deadly Sauce | [ Reply to This ]
      Boi! Just gotta say this. I was thinking of me when you're spinning dat [censored]! Lol, but sry, I'm five foot one. and I love to eat. Well sorry, but I don't plan on making love until after I'm married. I'm hispanic, so I'm medium toned skinned. LOL! All this stuff came out awesome, and the rhyming...wow! And oh jeez, I have a true love for the Lord! Well, why didn't you just say, you're looking for Amy! lol
    well, this was a fun piece. I hope someone fills your order, and it would be me, but I'm guessing you're not nto fourteen year olds lol!
    | Posted on 2005-03-02 00:00:00 | by Chicool2 | [ Reply to This ]
      Five foot three
    Thin but thick...

    Long hair, light skinned
    Real hair of course

    Submissive and sweet!

    Listen, what the [censored] is this that yuh post on an intellectual site. How old are you? How can you say this [censored]? You are a black African man, and respectfully you need to know yourself and your fellow black women. These characteristics listed are not of black women, don't lie to yourself, say what you really mean and what you really want. Brother you need to go back to Africa. I think that a society saturated with images of women with long flowing hair, cowering under the wings of this big macho men has clouded your vision and turned you into a shallow, superficial, one-dimensional individual. I hope that all in all this was Just a poem and truly there is some depth in your existence. DOES THAT COMPLETE YOUR ORDER?
    | Posted on 2005-03-02 00:00:00 | by african_skin | [ Reply to This ]
      ma gurl bbaaadd yuh up...for a LOCKS MAN yuh tinking kinda shallow still but a spoke to already so a wont talk to yuh again...
    | Posted on 2005-03-02 00:00:00 | by rytrsbloc | [ Reply to This ]
      Why the hell is everyone getting pissed over what he made this person look like? I think that's really stupid is that all of you are [censored]ing about that and not commenting on the poem.
    Great job, I loved the ending, it reminds me of a few people I know in life. I hope you write more soon!
    | Posted on 2005-03-02 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]
      dayum dayum dayum.
    why the bullshyt?

    In case you didnt notice, this page is the canvas for Mr x.
    Who cares what his preference in women are, and of course there are alot of black women who fit that description...

    i know many sisters that fit that description.

    we are here to support our fellow writers (specially my brothers and sisters)

    and believe me, this brutha right here, is headed for big things. And if you checked out his writings, you would see he has many dimensions, and more depth than most of us..
    And my nigga here dont lack in tha intelligence part either...

    peace.
    | Posted on 2005-03-03 00:00:00 | by ariesmind | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    48248

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry