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    dots Submission Name: Discarded (Revised)dots

    Author: sugar-n-spice
    Elite Ratio:    4.43 - 55/49/8
    Words: 67
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 914
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 553

       This is a reworked version of the earlier poem. Thanks to larrysgirl for providing suggestions and guidance.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDiscarded (Revised)dots

    Keeping the warmth
    of long-gone laughter
    close to my heart
    so the coldness
    of your stare
    cannot hurt me.

    Wishing you would
    shed that hateful smile
    and return the dreams
    that you've stolen.

    You are no longer
    imporant enough
    to regulate
    the highs and
    the lows.

    The gatekeeper's
    chair is vacant
    the key and lock
    have been changed

    Your status 'uninvited'
    as before.

    Submitted on 2005-02-27 11:35:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      wow..i liked this a lot...its tragic and empty for me..i loved the ending to death, it was so blunt and it just ended this poem off very nicely...just another love that has long passed and dissapeared...

    "Wishing you would
    shed that hateful smile
    and return the dreams
    that you've stolen."

    I loved these lines..i guess because i could relate..i hate it when people steal my dreams!..lol..yea but love is a very beautiful feeling..yet it can turn on you and bite you back...so anyhows i loved this piece..you have a lot of talent friend..keep up the great work!!
    | Posted on 2006-04-03 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      This is beautiful and tragic at the same time. It seems to border on the relaying of another mundane love affair that has gone stale but you portray it ever so eloquently and save it from becoming just another poem about love gone bad. I particularly enjoyed the ending and the lines:
    "Your status 'uninvited'
    as before."
    wraps it up neatly for me.
    Great write!
    | Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes. The last two lines tie it off neatly. Your writing is succinct and crisp. You are at your best when you are skipping like a stone across the water . . . an image here . . . a ripple there, when taken as a whole, the effect shows a craft few here possess. Yes, I know I'm gushing again, but I can't help it. Don't let them water you down with literalisms and ideas about "how you can make this better" because your voice is already stronger than the majority of "poets" out there. Most haven't a clue. Still, one good thing is it made you go back and see what you could do to improve this piece (which, did need something, it was lacking your usual zing). So, they got it right this time . . . and the end result is, don't mess with it, it's fini!
    | Posted on 2005-03-02 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]

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