Willing Captive by Magnolia

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Submission Name: Willing Captive dots

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Author:	Magnolia
ASL Info:	31/ F
Elite Ratio:	6.14 - 402/377/27
Words:	117

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	294
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	939

Description:
I have made some changes, taking out alot of descriptions, I can get pretty carried away with the imagery sometimes...a gift and a curse, anyway,

I love jewelry, am held hostage at times. I want more, more...my checkbook weeps. Magnolia

Willing Captive dots

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Swirling
moon drops
of opalescent delight
pulse over flesh
keeping time with my lovesick sonata.

The Tourmaline embers,
a delicacy of desire,
watching like a sultan
over riches hoarded.

My ligaments ensnared,
frozen in Angelite,
a laughing madame
never satiated,
ever wanting for more.

Begging to be stripped
of pungency,
the Lemon Chrysoprase
rolls between puckered lips,
an appeasement
for my childlike tantrums.

Perched amidst the quarry
is a rising Sunstone
melting Obsidian
into metallic tears,
moistening my breasts,
a stream of conscious obsession.

Jet lies among these
sinister as a starless night,
a cavern
of selfish reminders,
restitution that someday must come.

Submitted on 2005-02-27 12:36:45 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  well now ,weren't you blessed to have one of the best poet and commenter to post something about your work,oneday. I consider him to be my mentor when writing, Now I don't always agree with everything he says,but most of the time he giving great advice.

I thought it was a very clever poem to mixed your love of jewelry with sensuality,bravo

What I admire the most about this poem is that you convey sensualism somehow through gemstone,which I think is so very hard to do.

Sitting here thinking to myself, wow she really pulled it off.

very good write
| Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
  "moistening my breasts-ahhhhhhh hehe ahhhe
you said breasts
and moistening -nice
I like wet breasts (in fact that givess me an idea)
mags that was nice a little too "POETRY " for me but hell what do I know -I got the feeling while reading this you wouldn't mind being taken hostage by about 2 dozen brad pitts or and held for ransom but no one paid it but you didnt care cause you were handled over and over through every second of ewvery day -you pretended not to like it but I know the real truth.
Thanks by the way for the comments on my stuff. I hope this is enough of a thank you -My ratio has [lummeted. I didnt expect the reaction i got to my latest ones. Remember I was supposed to be suffering from writers block whatever the hell that oids see ya
ps Ill get to your pm shortley its really not at all -that big or important
lamemansterms-btw look at my journal-I hope shmuzzelle doesnt get mad
]
| Posted on 2005-05-05 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
  I quite like the gemstone images. This is very vivid. Some people might not know or be able to say some of the words, but that is what dictionaries are for. I'm not sure that the title does this justice, but I can't think of any suggestions either.

The Tourmaline embers,
a delicacy of desire,
watching like a sultan
over riches hoarded.

That's a really beautiful way to describe arousal. I also don't think you need to capitalize the names of the gems; I know you're being figurative, but unless you mean them as personified, I don't see the need for the capitals. Really, I could just say how clever the imagery is over and over. I don't want to fawn too much, so I'll just say how much I like this.

I'm trying to catch up on your work, so I'll likely read one every day or two until I have.
| Posted on 2005-04-07 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  Oooh, very nice. I love the imagery in this one. Highly sensual. My favorite part has to be: "Perched amidst the quarry/is a rising Sunstone/melting Obsidian/into metallic tears,/moistening my breasts,/a stream of conscious obsession". Very evocative, gives the reader just enough to get a picture in our minds that we can build from. Lovely.
| Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]
  All in all, a very interesting piece. I do like the constant comparisons to gemestones and earthly creations. I did not like
"never satiated,
ever wanting for more"
that sentence seems written improperly and doesn't flow off my tongue. But I'm not positive there is any error with it so if you know it's right don't mind my comment there.
I really liked this line "a stream of conscious obsession." Good discription without going too in depth with the vocabulary aspects. That's the one thing that really stops me from totally enjoying every bit of this work; that you use a constant barrage of words describing words and I, personally, think it's a little too complex. More than anything it's just not my style and there isn't really anything "wrong" with it, I just don't like to see things THAT complex.

It made me think and that's what counts. I look forward to your next one. .]V[,ajin
| Posted on 2005-02-27 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]
  ugh first impression is ugh. srry but i think you may have went a little over board with the description. of it all. seems as though you're almost describing your body/someone elses, but the hints are so vague that i can't tell. but hey, i'm not all that smart.

later
skilless

| Posted on 2005-02-27 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
  Made some changes here, it was way too wordy and full of images to begin with- I was sure of that to begin with, took it down a notch, ...Magnolia
| Posted on 2005-02-27 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this poem. You achieved a very sensuous effect with intoxivatingly rich language. It's wonderful, isn't it, how certain categories of vocabulary such as spices and jewels are so evocative with romantic words coming from all ends of the earth. I think you set out to achieve a certain result and you succeeded. This is a chocolate liqueur of a poem to salivate over.
| Posted on 2005-02-27 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
  this is very sensuous. i have an affinity for gems as well, more stones and crystals really than jewelry. i am fascinated by their different properties. you've written a beautiful piece on something as simple as the love of stones. i loved the opening stanza the best. sexy, really.
| Posted on 2005-02-27 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  to be honest, if you had not called i would not have answered.
and this is nothing personal, because i am glad you did.

this is very feminine.
and i am pretty sure that is what you were going for, or that you write in this way anyway.
looking at the circles you travel in here i would say this to be the case and can see what you like and the tastes of writing that you have.

i am glad that you could relate to the journal you read. it is nice when this happens, and it was nice of you to drop by your invivtation.
i could talk until i die about music.
and it would not be a waste of my life.
and i would love to chat to you about it.

what is difficult for me here is that i find it hard to appreciate really feminine words.
and i dont really know why.
i think it must be something subliminal.
it is the same for art.
and most things of this nature with the exception of music.
so this is as much a test for me as it is a critique for you.

the first reason is that there is so much out there that is like this. the majority of work in this site is feminine, the stereotype of poetry is very feminine, the majority of art in my city is very feminine and aimed at women who generally have the final word when it comes to buying art for their houses.
i have always been one to kind of move away from what is bring done in the search for both my own style and the desire to search for things that are different from the mainstream. there is another 50% of everything that we could be looking at. i would say that over the years this has built a wall between me and my appreciation for feminine work, i have found it to be an easy road for people to take, and much of the work that is poor is of this ilk, and not the other way around.

now this has little do with your piece but i think i wanted you to know so that you know where i am coming form so that you can take the following as it is intended and not in detriment to what you have written and how you are;
i could name a whole bunch of users who would love this because it is what they do. and how they do it.
but to be honest this is not my cup of tea for the aforementioned reasons.
and this is where i am trying to see a piece for what it is as well as how i see it, because they are two different things alltogether.

so onto your piece.
it is clear that you know how to write.
it is clear that you like to make analogies and that you imagine things to be a ceratin way and you are able to put these on paper.
your piece here is pretty well organised, though i never understand when people remove all the punctuation to leave just one comma. i have seen this quite a lot lately, and it makes that one comma stick out so far i thought it was an aeroplane.
and it is not as important as that in your piece, i think.
i would say that if you are going to remove all the punctuation, do it right and for the right reasons.
for example, if you are trying to create a mood of continuity or pressure or abstraction of some kind, then this can be an effective technique.
it reads well enough here for me but that is because i know where the punctuation should be and i am adding it myself as i am reading your work, and i should not have to do that. you have no full stops but you have a capital letter to start each stanza, but then not to start a new implied sentence.
you write in the following way in the following two stanzas:
'My ligaments ensnared
frozen in Angelite
a laughing madame
never satiated,
ever wanting for more'
and
'Jet lies among these
sinister as a starless night
a cavern
of selfish reminders
restitution that someday must come.'
you write them in such a way that they require punctuation and then you remove it. this is a mistake in my opinion. the words and lines should run onto each other and the changes should be clear one way or another by where you break your lines.
like the following, which work within your piece:
'The Tourmaline embers
a delicacy of desire
watching like a sultan
over riches hoarded'
and
'Perched amidst the quarry
is a rising Sunstone
melting Obsidian
into metallic tears
moistening my breasts
a stream of conscious obsession.'
because here you split the lines at the right places and you break hwere there are breaks in your srtucture.

so basically i think you have some antagonism in your punctuation and structure that could be sorted out.
and this is goes back to the feminism thing. i fond this a lot. it is like there is a licence to procarastinate in this area and just go as you feel and all that, but to me that is an excuse and not a reason. there should be a concept behind everything we do if we want to be taken seriously, and do things properly, and so the detail is very important.

but what you have overlooked here is also what is overlooked by many, and so it probably will not matter, and there is more than one opinion here.
i think you do make up for this in many ways in what you hae written. there is some good sh-it going on in here for what you are trying to do. your first stanza is a good one in terms of the words you have used. you evoke some pretty and colourful imagery, but again it is not to my taste because it lacks direction and force and impact and meaning and thought provocation. and i understand that it is not trying to, and so once again i am trying to look at it within yourself, but on a personal level i demand more. i want to be provoked. i want to have to think. you evoke my imagination with colours and as good as that is it is not enough for me.

but that is just me.
take care
on1eday.co.uk
| Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  I can understand why you like jewelry, elegant lady that you are, this I feel from your writing. Call me intuitive, if you like. This is cooly sensual, maybe no one else has said this, but it's a theme that strikes through in a subtle way. It is both your love for stones and how they make you feel, being adorned. OK that was the third read just now, no, I'm mistaken it's very sensual, with a mild touch of guilt. Not enough to keep you from being bedazzled by the shine and power of gems. Hey, Mag, you deserve it, I'm sure no one in your family is deprived. Love is the best we can give.
peace and love,

Nan
| Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]

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