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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pretty Uglydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: majinkenshinamv
    ASL Info:    20/M/Vegas
    Elite Ratio:    7.28 - 70/50/13
    Words: 760
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/
    Total Views: 781
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3126



    Description:
        Where to begin with this one... I don't really like it much at all, the way it is. But I can't seem to find any way to make it what I need it to be. I'm pretty much putting this up here for bashing, so I can figure out what the hell I want with this and where I want it to go. It's very complex, and I want to simplify it, but I don't want to lose meaning or value. Also it's a big portrayal of common-place thoughts in my head, and they are very complex to me as well, so I almost don't want to simplify it. I'm looking for anything you've got. What do you think this is about? What does it feel like to you?

    I would GREATLY appreciate ANY feedback you've got. Give me the bad, the brutal, the best. I'm looking to improve on this one, so be straight as an arrow to the heart. Thanks for your time.

    (The title is using pretty as an adjective, not an adverb, so it's more of an oxy-moron than a modification of Ugliness)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPretty Uglydots
    -------------------------------------------


    The focus of the room sharpens.
    The darkness is interrupted.

    "Motions of a ceiling fan are the accused"

    A gleaming finish of its blades,
    refracting what little light penetrates the room.

    "Spaces between the door and its frame
    are the perpetrators"

    Refusing to be restrained by its makerís perfect prison, the blinds follow the example set.

    "But I have no place to judge the
    offenders"

    Sheís in the same predicament,
    only her efforts are not as steady.

    "They are so sporadic it's as if they never
    occured"

    She awakens with a violent gasp for air,
    as if her last conscious thought was being stripped of breath.

    "Stripped of my natural born right"

    Sheets drenched in perspiration,
    the terror forced out of her unprepared vessel.

    "Forced out like liquid anxiety"

    A distinct feeling of consternation follows.
    One that will haunt her to the day she departs.

    "Departing a fragile sanity imposed on my
    unwilling container"

    Shadows move across a symmetrical prison,
    resembling predators circling prey in the wild.

    "They danced as if they belonged to that fire"

    False reality brings a constant flow of emotion,
    as she realizes the damage that has been forever inflicted.

    "A realization I'm blessed with to a
    sickening redundancy"

    The definitive difference between now and then...
    the shadows donít smile in perverted satisfaction this time.

    "Satisfied by pre-meditated indulgence
    before they pounce"

    She loved this creature, and it nearly destroyed her,
    Throwing her down stairs of deformity and obtuse angles.

    "I was ensured to encounter every
    dislodged shard"

    The intent wasnít just self-gratification.
    It was unforgettably embedded scars upon the victim as well.

    "No knowledge belonged to either of us
    about the true scars that would follow"

    The real pain and suffering was self-inflicted.
    She...no...we would continue to love this mutant in a society of freaks.

    "..."

    We understood the fault.
    We knew who to place the blame upon.
    So why do we still care for this instrument of our instability?

    ("I care because it is me")




    Submitted on 2005-02-27 15:53:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, good poetry means diff. things to diff. people, & I didn't see rape in this. I read in the dialogue a schizophrenic woman having a tenuous conversation w/the other self, the creature. Being just aware enough to know it was within yet separate. Being accuser, tho not judge, & feeling at the same time guilty. Whatever your intent, intriguing set up. On to the actual images...I LOVED that! Thot I was the only weird child that ever obsessed on angles & light, slicing light into predatory shadows. Those descriptions all really appealed to me because you animated them & used them well to set mood. Very well done there. I also liked the pause in the dialogue towards the end...unusual & effective. Poets don't often think of spaces-they fill them up with words.
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by CleoCollier | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, you've started with a very ambitious concept, but I don't feel, after reading it, that the poem lives up to the hype. From your description, I thought this was going to be highly metaphorical, almost allegorical, in nature. No such luck. Rather than leading us around the event with poetic language spoken by these multiple characters, you blurt it right out. Rape. No mystery, no intrigue, no poetry.

    From there on, I pretty much lost interest. It's like someone telling you the punchline of a joke before the teller is finished. It's not funny any more and you really don't need to hear it.

    And your thing with the parentheses, the narrators, was only confusing and excess verbage, in my opinion. I read it the first time, reading all that, then I read the poem again, out loud, withOUT all the parenthetical stuff and it flowed nicely and made sense.

    On the whole, I think you've set yourself a very high mark to achieve and have fallen short. I would suggest describing your character's feelings more and disclosing less until nearer the end. And stick with one narrator. I really didn't know where one left and another began or where everything merged into one - or whatever that was.

    Actually, when I read the poem without all the parenthetical phrases and I forgot all the stuff about the narrator, I enjoyed it ever so much more. Sorry. mae.
    | Posted on 2005-02-27 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      You know when we do take a look at and inside of ourselves it often gets "pretty ugly" thats a fact. Most of us tend to avoid such a subject. I like what you did with the description, on everything around you/her/ whoever gets more intense like the ceiling fan (thats good) and the light shinning through the room. very vivid.
    Yet I holds no place to judge the
    offenders)
    this line I think there is something wrong. I'm sure you can figure that out. It's only a typo
    After the first couple of stanzas the piece takes on a whole other personality, a little confusing, but sometimes that doesn't take a whole lot for myself. Like the woman has some of the same issues but in a different way but not as avoided.
    then at the end it seems that you are the same person wich is interesting, I can see how these people would almost be drawn to each other. Opposites do attract but so do those that are exactly the same. This piece reminds me of the movie, I forget the name but oh maybe it was swamp thing or something like that, where this dipicable monster fell in love with this hot chick but that only made him nlook deeper into himself, wich wasn't a pretty site given his past. As well she did the same and started looking inside herself and she found things to be not as pretty as they were on the outside as they were inside. Self realization is a tough topic, its not hard to write about because we all have lots of thoughts and opinions but to extract something that we can learn from to improve ourselves is a whole other matter entirely. Th8is is cool maybe a little tweaking herer and there I dont want to be all that specific because it seems this is very personal but I hope I was at least a little help~L.t
    | Posted on 2005-02-27 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      Everytime I attempt to change this piece of Sh!t I hate it even more. I could put it into a story format, but I always do that and I want something new. I am going to leave it up just incase anyone can help me figure out how to propose this idea better. Thanks for taking time.
    | Posted on 2005-02-27 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]


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