Description: I took the commetns that I received for the original and too them into consideration for the revision. Anyone have any ideas on where I went wrong this time???
And to set the matter straight for anyone in the future who reads this, the person is not me. I simply used an artistic voice. Just thought I'd let ya'll know that.
Black (revised) -------------------------------------------
Here I am
All dressed in black
Standing at your side
The faithful one
Never to let you down
Everyone expects me
To say that I did it
But I didn't do it
Someone else got to you first
I will never forget the days
That you drank
Beat the crap out of me
The nights that I said no
But still you violated me
Embedded in my mind
It should have been me
Nobody would have blamed me
They would have said
That you deserved it
You went to buy smokes
But the only smoke that was seen
Was from the barrel of his gun
Even after all that you did to me
I still loved you
I can remember the man
That I fell in love with
But that is not
Who you are anymore
Now you are just
Another body in a box
You will be buried in a line
Of other boxes of bodies
The black memories
Will follow me forever
But I will find a yellow guy
To bring happiness back to me
I am followed by a black shadow
One that will never disappear
I drag a ball and chain
Wherever I go
Amazing how we can write lots of things that can be known as black. Everytime i read something that has that word in it, i remind myself of the thing i wrote "Black Mirror" Although it deals nothing with what you wrote afterall, the guy was dead i think all those guys should drop dead. It would be so much easier for us females, not that i am saying you went through that but still those that do should just either walk away or wished their husbands to be dead. I liked it. Plain and simple. Clear to read, no hidden meaning, straight up. Nice. Keep writing. Peace...Irina
I'm posting this without reading the other comments. I found this to be very literal. So many people use little enigmas and hidden meanings in their poetry, and it's nice to see something that's just there; open and easy to read and follow. For one to lament over a dead abusive lover, to long for him still, boggles my mind in a way. I would have liked to read a little more about what Makes you miss him. What was so good about him? It seems confusing in a way. But it was very well written.
This is pretty cool. I like how you said everybody expected you to say that you did it. But someone else got to you first. Only thing i didn't get was the "yellow man" you will find to bring happiness back. "NO body would have blamed me/ they would have said/that you deserved it" I liked that part too. That's real gritty, like maybe you thought about doing it. How you manged to find happiness with a man that supposedly smoke, drank heavily, and sexually abused you I will never understand. But i guess that's just me being a reasonable minded male. Hopefully that "ball and chain" you drag won't get in the way of you giving all of yourself into a healthy relationship.
This is a poem that I don't know how to critique. If this is about you, I am so sorry. Your boyfriend raped you and then another friend kills him- dUDE WHOA!- Anyway I liked the yellow man line thats pretty good but thats about all on this~L.t
this is a very strange poem- i like it! it's very dark and slightly sadistic! i really enjoyed this line- it was very realistic and original: 'Now you are just/Another body in a box You will be buried in a line/Of other boxes of bodies' very fu<king nice. so literal. i am fond of the 'yellow guy' part- it's kinda cute- in a weird way... i suggest taking 'steve's' out of it- the name makes the reader feel too distanced from the subject- i liked that line better without the name as in Black the original. just my opinion. thanks for the read- very nice. *md*
Submission Name: Black (revised)
