Father Forgive by MyKemicalfailur

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Submission Name: Father Forgive dots

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Author:	MyKemicalfailur
Elite Ratio:	4.15 - 267/123/15
Words:	111

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	216
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	648

Description:
I was inspired...

Father Forgive dots

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Now I lay me down to sleep
Surrounded in blood I fall in a heap
Father if I die, my soul please keep
This one last time may have been to deep

In the morning if I do not wake
Father please, my sould do take
I watch the ceiling as I begin to shake
Father, all I wanted was a break

Peeled back flesh, I can see my bone
Father please, don't leave me alone
The consequenses; if I'd only known
Father please, just take me home

My fate, you see, is rather grim
The lights now going dim
Forgive me father, for I have sinned

Submitted on 2005-02-28 20:09:48 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I really love this.Its great that u took a prayer and out it into something like this.It helps ur poem alot.This is one of the best poems i think i have read.I may add it to my favorites.I alos like how u added stuff to the prayer.And its like u went too far and u kno u did and ur begging for fogiveness.And it takes alot to actually admit u were wrong or u are scared.Keep on writing this is great!
| Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by suicidal_chick | [ Reply to This ]
  hey you acidently posted on my WHO DO I TURN TO 3 times, so i have to just hit you back twice so i can keep up with the repuatoin sorry :'(
| Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by OrangeWithWhite | [ Reply to This ]
  hey you acidently posted on my WHO DO I TURN TO 3 times, so i have to just hit you back twice so i can keep up with the repuatoin sorry :'(
| Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by OrangeWithWhite | [ Reply to This ]
  Yeah, I know the feeling. The fear of Death being around the corner... no matter how beautiful s/he may appear... somehow, provokes you to recant your sins out of fear. Nothing like a little touch from Death to keep you real.

Now about the typos...

Father please, my sould do take
sould do-soul do

This one last time may have been to deep
to - too

Anyway, a fine expression of rehabilitated faith.

Keep writing.
| Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, interesting...a morbid version of an old child's prayer...the flow was pretty good but needs some work...maybe take a word out and replace it with a shorter one, or add words to verses that are too short...very interesting

-Sammy Sue
| Posted on 2005-04-07 00:00:00 | by SammySueYou | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this... i think that you have done a good job of using an old prayer to express feelings about such a deep and disturbing issue... i too used to cut.. and im tired of the ignorant remarks i find regarding this issue...perhaps if people understood it a little more we would all stop "complaining" LOL sorry good write...and im sure this one helped soothe the soul a little :)
| Posted on 2005-04-03 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
  The rhythm is awkward and dosn't flow well. Try to say what you want without excess words, that is always a challenge for me. You should proofread it again, I found a couple typos and grammar errors. It's a good idea though, keep working on it.
| Posted on 2005-02-28 00:00:00 | by Lunablue | [ Reply to This ]
  Other than the grammer, I thought the flow was rather nice. I enjoyed this very much. I have the upmost respect for this poem at the moment, but that doesn't mean I will remember it. Sometimes I feel if anything I write will ever be remembered. I like this though. You should keep on writing, I would love to read more.

Gradually,
Darin.

P.S. I love the name.
| Posted on 2005-02-28 00:00:00 | by bloodwing | [ Reply to This ]
  there is a typo.. and the lasts stanza need another line..its stands out from the rest..otherwise..the flow was nice..i loved the first stanza..it was ..i dunno..but i liked it..nice write
| Posted on 2005-02-28 00:00:00 | by FadedSilence | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey, I really liked this. You did a really good job writing this. This is how I think it will be when I'm about to die...iono, maybe not.

Kris
| Posted on 2006-07-13 00:00:00 | by Raindrops | [ Reply to This ]

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