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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You Can't Stand Next to Herdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rounin
    ASL Info:    17/f/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 122/113/21
    Words: 216
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Longing
    Total Views: 840
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1390



    Description:
       We've been friends for a few years, and still he surprises me.

    I don't mean this to be a great piece of writing, I just had something on my mind, and wanted to say it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou Can't Stand Next to Herdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You tell her you love her-
    she loves you too.
    You're together for years
    And I'm happy for you, my friend.

    But I hear of your fights often,
    It's complicated, you say.
    It makes me sad for you
    when you forget.

    Still, you stay together.
    Sheís everything to you, you say.
    You spend so much time with her.
    I wonder why you donít look happier.

    It becomes too much, I guess.
    You finally leave her.
    But just as quick, you reforge your love.
    You realized, didnít you?

    You canít live without her.
    Iím happy for you, my friend.

    But itís not enough.
    You surprise me
    when you say itís not fair
    All because you canít stand next to her in the choir.

    Oh, my friend.
    I thought you had more sense.
    Did you learn nothing?
    Do you remember when you did not have her at all?

    Sheís probably going home with you tonight
    And here you are banging your fists on the walls
    Just because you have to wait
    a few minutes.

    Think of those
    who never even see each other
    who are holding on across hundreds of miles
    And just a mere thought brings a smile.

    They wish they were as lucky as you, my friend.




    Submitted on 2005-03-01 13:07:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You mean to tell me this guy got upset because he couldn't stand next to his girl in the choir? Was it because someone else was standing next to her? Talk about immaturity...WOW!

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
    | Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by xtremegentleman | [ Reply to This ]
      This guy is vvveeeerrrrryyyy serious! Dang, hope she never decides to walk on him...no telling what he'll do. Outside her window, throwing rocks. Puttin flowers on her car. Letters in her locker. Always following her around town in a car about 50 feet behind. He needs to get a grip! Someone needs to just walk up to him...slap him...and lock him up in a white room with white padded walls and no sharp corners until he chills out! DANG!

    The way you put this poem was great. You got your story across and made the emotion. Great job!

    Alicia
    | Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very matter-of-fact and to the point, not shrouded in metaphor, not vague. It sounds to me like you can speak your mind with much more ease than I (see 'but I can write'). I really feel like you sat down and banged this one out because you had to say it right now. I'm not sure where that places it as poetry, but it certainly is strong communication.

    I do think maybe it's too long. It reads like a relationship history, rather than making your point. To me that weakens it. I think you could say what you're feeling, and make it more powerful by cutting out the history, and rearranging the lines something like this:


    Oh, my friend.
    I thought you had more sense.
    You surprise me
    when you say itís not fair
    All because you canít stand next to her in the choir.

    Think of those
    who never even see each other
    who are holding on across hundreds of miles
    And just a thought brings a smile.
    They wish they were as lucky as you, my friend.


    Maybe that's not the effect you're going after, though. Anyhow, I love reading your work. :-)
    bent
    | Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, I liked the message you gave about how he shouldnt be upset just because he couldnt stand next to her. He was lost without her and now seems to clingy probably because he doesnt want to lose her again for he already knows what that is like and he doesnt like that feeling, ya know? Good job in getting that point across...I liked this write. Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      It seems that he needs her. Like he has to feed off her. If he isn't with her.. He gets mad.. Thats the part i don't get. He isn't happy with her.. But when she was in choir he couldn't stand next to her. So he got mad.. He must be kinda wacked in the head. I had to read this twice. To fully understand it. It was quite confusing. In a way.. But I understand your only wanting to help your friend. That is good.

    Stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds like too many people I know. Can't say I can relate to him...I haven't ever really been in that state. And of course I can't relate to you either =P. Significance is an amazing thing. Maybe someday he'll figure it out, and if not, perhaps he'll have to lose it all...even more drastically than the last time, to realize what he had. Personally I think it's what he thinks he had, and he just builds up his love to a degree that is only in his head. Lot's of us have done it before. Who knows whose doing it now. But to savor every moment... even the imaginary ones... that is to, at the very least, appreciate what you have. It's hard to take something like that away.

    I like this, simple, not really complex, and straight to the point. I'd rather read someones formatted thoughts than some technical portrayal of emotions trying to mimic rules that some long dead person made up and said "this is a poem." It's intriguing to say the least, and just as he surprises you still... You always surprise me, yet i'm never dissapointed.
    | Posted on 2005-03-02 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]
      I also wanted to add that it seems that most the people commenting on this are pointing out what a crazy individual this is and how he needs to straighten out and all of that type of reply. I think you are all missing a big point, and that is that this is all a certain context that this writing is taken out of. I understand you are relating but you are passing a lot of judgement on just a few words about a person. Everyone has their quirks and this could just be his. I don't think it's so much expressing that this individual is immature or an ungrateful individual. More so it seems to me it's a reflection of how someone you are friends with can be a lot what you wouldn't expect. Just like the description implies "and still he surprises me." Obviously this isn't some horrible individual, but a friend who makes some mammoth mistakes. To me that is what this piece is portraying, but who knows I could be WAY off. I just wanted to add that before anyone else comments on the obvious. And the title is odd... haha.
    | Posted on 2005-03-02 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]


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