At times we all find a place that gives us some kind of comfort. And not at all times does this so called room fit the definition of homey or tranquil.
In this you find peace in a place that you can call your own. It may seem to be a room that is full of depression and fear....but the depression and fear may be more of another's perspective rather then your own. For within those four walls you have discovered that what the walls speak is nothing more then what you have told them.
This was a rather deep piece. You could take it to more depth then just that of the ink.....you must step into the mind frame of the emotions.
You are proving something in this write. I didn't see anything wrong with how anything was captured in this piece. You gave it your own uniqueness.
I liked it...just as the walls...it kinda spoke to me.
OK yes it's kinda the same but I think you didn't realize one big difference. My 'heart' which is where I am hiding has no hope and I don't like it there because I'm afraid and the outside world is where I want to be because thats where the light it. Other than that little detail they're pretty much the same. I really like this poem though. On mine I was going for something, empty hollow and overall with as little emotion as possible. It might not make sense but you see when I'm locked in my room all alone I'm feeling hardly human and I think that our emotions and thoughts are what make us the most human. If that makes any sense at all to you. good write, theres not really much I would change in here. The whole thing about the room smelling of depression was really original and I haven't seen it many places before. I hope that you can come outside into reality and see it for what it could be rather than what it is.
i think im the only person who is probably going to point out that
I am the king of my castle
is seriously cliché. and as marysunshine said the [censored] rant in the middle is a little unnnessary. oh and was i supposed to get a pile of inuendo aswell?
anyway i think the structure of this poem is brillaint and i know the long lines are supposed ot represnet tlaking fast and being defnesuve but possibly you could shorten them a little becuase they really upset the flow of the poem. i like the wya the poem drops off at the end aswell. oh another question did you purposefully us eno grammer bar ... at times? im just asign really or asking you to aks yourself.
i think that the title suits th epoem, becuase your shelter smells of depression and fear so even there you srnt really safe and conent more just the hmm tyring to think how to phrase this, emm oh that you fit in witht he room. your safe beucase your cmaoflaged witht he rest fo your world. i htink the repetion is good aswlel, and i have completely forgottne where i started. anyway brillaint poem and i did like it depsite what the start of this comment may have seemed like. and someone had to bite the bullet and mention the inuendo. harri
well, this is interesting...I wonder why you want to stay in a room and feel safe in a room that smells of depression and fear. That kind of confused me...perhaps outside smells of depression and fear...it seems as if your room offers comfort and sanctuary...ya know?
I kinda like your little "f.uck you" rant in the middle...it gives you a fearful voice...almost as if you're being attacked and backed into a corner. I like the description of the shadows as well. It's a little disjointed, but that doesn't bother me so much since I think the emotion comes through better that way. Good.
I just wonder why this is called Unsheltered, when it seems as though your room is your shelter. It hides you from everything. But then you mention it smells of depression and fear, so maybe you're unsheltered from those feelings? I dunno, I wuz a bit confused by that. But I still really liked it, same as I liked it the first time around. Interesting thing to right about, very original.
Submission Name: Unsheltred
