Description: An old poem i readdressed applying some rewording and formatting advice i recieved a while back.
In raw -------------------------------------------
We're all hiding from
the light of the sun
since we can't become
what they're expecting from us
but here in the gray
we can stop feeding their mind
Will kiss each other in raw
with no mask to hide behind
so that's were i'll meet you l
lovely
and i'll live right with you
scars and all
bring your whole with you
to toss into the fire
and i'll burn right with you
scars and all
we'll sit around in the gray
and pass the sword and the cross
then pierce ourselves to the core
and bleed our all
that's we're i'll meet you
lovely
and i'll bleed right with you
scars and all
bring your whole with you
to toss into the fire
and i'll burn right with you
scars and all
This is brilliant - so lyrical and rhythmic. Is it a song because the repetition would lend itself to the folk tradition? Or is it a Harlemsque poem? Either way, it's good. While the first six lines are relevant in a philosophical sense - they are good background - I think they detract from the ability to be in the moment by giving it to much context. Also the best lines by far are:
Will kiss each other in raw with no mask to hide behind
And they would provide a far stronger opening. If you wrote:
Will kiss each other in raw with no mask to hide behind
so that's were i'll meet you l lovely and i'll live right with you scars and all bring your whole with you to toss into the fire and i'll burn right with you scars and all
we'll sit around in the gray and pass the sword and the cross then pierce ourselves to the core and bleed our all
that's we're i'll meet you lovely and i'll bleed right with you scars and all bring your whole with you to toss into the fire and i'll burn right with you scars and all
I remember alot of people saying dumb stuff about this poem the first time you presented it to us. But I really liked it then and I still like it now. I like the rhyme you have here too, I probly said that already if I commented on it before. It's different from alot of your other stuff. Good work once again. Except for a few typing errors here and there.
Submission Name: In raw
