As Things Thaw by marysunshine

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Submission Name: As Things Thaw dots

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Author:	marysunshine
ASL Info:	30, Female,
Elite Ratio:	4.48 - 610/705/75
Words:	75

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	402
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	529

Description:
People and earth need to be warmed...I long for sunny spring.

As Things Thaw dots

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As things thaw
like the yard,
a steak,
your heart,
pockets mush and tenderize
at random-seeming intervals.

A zillion heating influences
like the sun,
warm kitchen,
my smile,
are working hard for movement
of crystals over blood and earth.

The spring desires grassy ground
to plant,
to grill,
to lay,
and the warming forces long to hear
the trickle of melted night and day.

Submitted on 2005-03-03 12:39:25 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Now this poem came off like a lazy day spent lounging around on a country porch, rocking or swinging in the sun . . . sipping lemonade. Feeling the breeze through your clothes. Charming. I feel so relaxed . . .
| Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this a lot. It's very simple, but I like ideas like that. This is very minimalistic too. It reminds me of slowly falling in love. Sometimes it's like you thaw one cell at a time to that person. It's also a great poem for this time of year. I just want spring to get here. We've had enough nice weather for the flowers to bloom, but it keeps getting cold and rainy.
| Posted on 2005-03-16 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. This is so fresh and original. You show a real flair for striking images and though the subject is the familiar, almost clichéd one, of falling in love, you take a different viewpoint and use images that make it unique. In this regard your line:

like the sun,

is disappointing because you can read it that the sun is 'a zillion heating influences' and that would be clichéd. If I am right what you mean is that it is one of the heating influences. I would write:

A zillion heating influences:
the sun,
warm kitchen,
my smile,

You probably used the 'like' because of its grammatical necessity to the final line

are working hard for movement

Yet, if you write:

work hard for movement

I think that's snappier.

The only other thing I'd criticise is:

random-seeming

Through your second-person persona we already feel that we seeing through the eyes of one person so the 'seeming' becomes redundant.

I love the lines:

As things thaw
like the yard,
a steak,
your heart,
pockets mush and tenderize

The spring desires grassy ground
to plant,
to grill,
to lay,
and the warming forces long to hear
the trickle of melted night and day.

I felt a real empathy both for the persona and the addressed. You are a really talented poet, keep up the excellent work.

| Posted on 2005-03-03 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
  I love the three-in-one simile you've got going. The whole thing is simple, sweet and straightforward. It feels refreshing. I sort of ground to a halt on a couple of words, though. As 'things' thaw; and pockets 'mush'. I'm just nagged to want different words for those -- don't know why, and can't think of obvious suggestions right off. Otherwise, "yay!", I loved reading this.
bent
| Posted on 2005-03-03 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]
  Grood evening, and how are we thys fyne day of the week?

You take some pretty basic things here- steak, kitchens, grills- and then mix in strange things lyke pocket mush, crystals over blood and melted night. It is a definitely unique style. Can’t say I’ve ever caught one of your posts before- and that was too badd for me- I’m going to have to look deeper under your rock...

Peace, love and uncanny burritos with plans of universal domination... ~Six~
| Posted on 2005-03-03 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]
  hey there lil' slap...I love the format you've got going here, I think it is unique...I am trying to pay more attention to structure than I ever have before and this struck me in a fresh way. I love the idea of the thaw of winter and can tell you are ready for spring."A zillion heating influences
like the sun,
warm kitchen,
my smile,
are working hard for movement
of crystals over blood and earth"
the flow of this was like buttah...It is short and crisp. "pockets mush and tenderize
at random-seeming intervals"...that was the only thing I would look at ...it wasn't as smooth as the rest of the piece. That being my only criticism, I always enjoy your work.
DJ Gramma
| Posted on 2005-03-04 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
  I could use a good thaw right about now. God I HATE winter! This little diddy is just what the doctor ordered.

There is a certain informal tone about this that I find endearing.

pockets mush and tenderize
at random-seeming intervals

and

A zillion heating influences

I love when you use that um...sarcastic...no..um...tongue-in-cheek...um...no...that voice of yours...I don't know exactly what to call it. I mean, you're clearly very well educated but you tend to choose an "everyman" kind of voice which I think is refreshing. It takes stuff like this that could be bordering on over-ambitious and brings it right down to earth...it really levels out your work and allows everybody to take something from it, almost covering up the layers of depth that those of us who want to can peel off and discover.

I love how your smile is one of the zillion warming influences. I also love that last line and all the complexities of it. It serves well to wrap the thought up while at the same time is rather open-ended, thus it lingers after we're done reading. This, to me, is what every last line should do.

Build off this Marianne...I think you've really done a great job here of recapturing your voice, and perhaps even doing so from a maturing perspective...I hope I'm making some sense here...
| Posted on 2005-03-06 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]

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