Untitled by Areinaka

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Untitled dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Areinaka
ASL Info:	19, F, Oregon, USA
Elite Ratio:	3.93 - 129/113/28
Words:	119

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	298
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	905

Description:
I love this piece. I was just writing down random stuff, but when I finished I realized it describes me perfectly. I feel so weak, I'm constantly runnig from my problems, and I am in constant pain. I always hide this though. I was in a really crappy mood while I wrote this poem. (If it wasn't obvious.) Please tell me what you think, what parts you like, what parts you don't like. And please, don't tell me I should cheer up, write happier stuff... I've tried. It never works. Thanks for reading it, and please critique it.

Untitled dots

-------------------------------------------

Retreating back into the Darkness.
Exactly.
Retreating.
Running away.
I always do.
Goodbye.
Retreat, run away from your problems.
It's the only way, I promise.
It may not solve them.
It spare you pain, though.
Not much, but agony is lethal in large doses.
Agony.
Pain.
Pain is my ecstasy.
I say that to be stronger.
But I'm still weak.
I always have been.
I always will be.
What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.
Well, I'm not dead yet.
And I'm still weak.
Torture.
I go through it everyday.
The torture of not knowing.
The torture of hate.
And Anger.
Deadly Anger.
Unstoppable Anger.
Leave me be,
Don't get close,
You'll be hurt by my
Hate.

Submitted on 2005-03-03 13:12:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  actually, i disagree with spoken. even though it sounds like another 'teen augest', as spoken put it, the style comes through. the poem flowed through wonderfully, and it has a voice, like speacenik said.
| Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by Dragonslayer | [ Reply to This ]
  The reason why I don't like this poem is because it sounds like some old "poor me" rant from some hopless perons. Someone who's presence alone would really put a damper on my life. Some sad little "teen angest" $h!t, like you're a half second away from shooting up a high school.

At the same time though, it conveys very well the emotions that you set out to convey. Some dark. empty painfulness, hate and anger. It just doesn't tell me who this hate and anger is direted towards and why. I did enjoy the format and the flow, however.

Still, the overall concept is there.
| Posted on 2005-03-03 00:00:00 | by spoken | [ Reply to This ]
  Spoken is right, this is well-formatted. Some lines are actually really brilliant as you say:

agony is lethal in large doses.

Unstoppable Anger.

Both of these are so fresh. There is so much of the confessional poem in this yet, much of it also borders on the overly- familair,

Running away.
I always do.
Goodbye.

But I'm still weak.
I always have been.
I always will be.

As you say this is a summary of you and as that it's very good. Yet, even so, it could be improved by leaving out some lines and swapping others round and breaking it into verses. A better layout might be:

Retreating back into the Darkness.
Exactly.
Retreating.
Run away from your problems.
It's the only way, I promise.

It'll spare you pain.
Not much, but agony is lethal in large doses.
Agony.
Pain.

Pain is my ecstasy.
I say that to be stronger.
But I'm still weak.

What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.
Well, I'm not dead yet.
And I'm still weak.

The torture of not knowing.
The torture of hate.
I go through it everyday
And Anger.
Unstoppable Anger.

This leaves out many of the lines I felt were overly-familair but of course this is only my opinion and I wouldn't want to change your style. There is an emotive voice in much of this.

There
| Posted on 2005-03-03 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.