Description: I wrote this to be dfferent, I think I am a rare flavor of pudding.
"BE NICE TO YOUR WIFE" -------------------------------------------
Where's my dinner
you fuckin dumb bitch?
Do this and do that.
He thinks for me;
I think I'm fat.
Words so serrated;
Piece by piece,
I am degrated.
I can't take it!
Oh my god look at this room;
He's going to be home soon.
I shouldn't feel so confined.
In a house thats mine;
Just praying he won't find me this time.
Up and down he walks the floor.
Pelting his abuse
You stupid slut-you good for nothing whore!
There's no use in hiding;
But then I decided,
We're gonna stop fighting.
Sometimes when he's sleeping.
I think of ways to keep him from waking.
Different ways to end his life.
Karma for not being nice to his wife.
Then the day finally came.
To recipracate all this pain.
I stood with every bit of pride I had..
Taught to me by another mother fucker my Dad.
I pulled the gun, his gun,
I said I don't think so hun!
For all those days and nights,
I existed in fear for my life..
Well not any more.
That's not what a wife is for!
And as the hammer I cocked back;
Pleads of honey I didn't mean that.
I finally put fear in HIS eyes..
And as piss rolled down his thighs
Being pushed around just got old.
This marriage was enulled.
This wasn't something I planned,
It just went down this way.
Pre-meditated; not here.
Least that's what I say.
That night I wasn't making dinner,
Instead I squeezeed the trigger;
And only out of love; or lack of;
I blew the back of his fucking head off.
I spit on him as he took his last breaths.
I got flashes of me in my wedding dress.
Then I started cleaning up the house,
It was such a mess.....
Well, I'm glad I took your advice to read this 'poem' before it got retired... I feel a bit sentimental about my posts as well as they slip off the page... lost one already... damn. This poem portrays the shocking reality of more people than we care to admit and I think you've painted a brilliant and brutally honest picture of how someone can be forced into committing a murder as payback for all the horrifying years and sleepless nights... Extremely well written.
....uhm... i like this yet feel it is lacking in something. i'm not sure i agree with the comment that said the somewhat funny lines take away from it. I like those lines...i think it does make it seem less...serious. however, i think if you didn't make it seem a little less serious it would be...uh...too serious. this coming from a girl who once wrote a poem called Natural Born Killer. (after seeing the movie which i love) but this (unlike my poem) is about a very real situation that a lot of women find themselves in, so it has the ability to be really dark. i guess it just depends on what your going for. i think it just needs some rewording in my opinion, "this marriage has been enulled" for example. just certain lines felt....half done. i suppose this is why you said your retiring it....from the site or to it's grave ? hopefully just from the site, only for revising... right ? because i do like this and think it has a lot of potential to be one of those great poems you have on this site. off to post my comments on gimmie gimmie gimmie some more, i read it last night but my comments wouldn't post because i got logged out, i took too long...mainly because i was searching for my black flag- damaged Lp. i'll tell ya more about that later CC
This is crazy and twisted. It's not meant to be funney, i'm sure, but, certain lines ("That night I wasn't making dinner/instead I squeezeed the trigger" or "Different ways to end his life/Punishment for not being nice to his wife.") just took away from the seriousness because they were so, silly. Some parts seemed pretty forced too, in an attempt to maintain your rhyming pattern. You say in your discription that you wrote this to be different, but i dont' see howy you accomplished that. High shock value, i suppose, at the end there. Is there no personal attachment between you and this poem at all though i wonder? Funney thing is this probably really happened somewhere.
"As the hammer I cocked back; Pleads of honey I didn't mean that." I liked the concept behind this line a lot but I think it could be re-done a little more tidey and it would be perfect. That's actually what I think about most of this work. It's very good, very true, lots of emotion in it which can be hard when it's not through your eyes. That shows you can show some great empathy, which can't hurt. I think if you take some time on this, fix the spelling errors, and tidy it up a bit, it could be really amazing. It's already got a lot of potential, but it seems you haven't been over it repeatedly with the fine toothed comb yet. Keep em coming.