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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Scream and a Pouncedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 76
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 864
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 446



    Description:
       I don't know why you'd walk on a man, but I like the image.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Scream and a Pouncedots
    -------------------------------------------


    She walked as if the earth
    were a sleeping man
    with perfect skin
    whom she didn't want to wake or mar,
    so she moved with her toes down and heels up
    as gently as dew sliding down a flower petal,
    quiet enough not to wake ants,
    lightly enough not to break the spines of dried leaves,
    but she knew that her life was a single scream and a pounce
    spread over the entirety of her years.




    Submitted on 2005-03-03 21:21:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "With her toes down and heels up"
    I don't know why but I just like the way you worded that. haha ;) So yeah, this piece. That is an interesting idea of walking on a man. I love your use of comparisions. I mean who would have thought of walking on the earth as if it were a man? Only cuddledumplin! It's sort of a crazy/beautiful concept. (Crazy in a good way :D ) I like the second comparision of dew sliding down on flower petals too. That brings me to the lovely summer mornings when I wake up early, which is rare, and look out the window and still see the dew from the night on our pear trees outside my window. It brings great imagery into the piece. The ending was nice because it symbolized that even though she walks timidly, her life is more sporatic and on edge *I thought anyway because of the pounce and scream thing*. There again is the crazy/beautiful idea. I'm really glad you posted this one. :) Great job!
    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-03-03 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      This is cool Amy, a succinct description of someone who hides feelings, a powderkeg (genuinely feminine if she's wearing makeup) who walks so softly, no one ever knows she's unsatisfied. I would crave a scream and a pounce if my life were that way now. I think this is a tendency most young women have to fight. We are largely stereotyped by someone else's needs and traditons. I don't agree with women being totally radical either, please preserve your feminine side, just don't let it make you lay down and roll over. (no ideas folks, it's just a metaphor of submission.) Great job,
    thanks for sharing,
    Hugs and healing, hope you feel better dear one,

    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-03-04 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      As gently as dew sliding down a flower petal

    that is just a great visual. makes me want to reach out and touch that petal and feel the dew.

    this speaks of someone trying not to make waves, trying to just "fit in" and be the good girl who doesn't cause a disturbance. but inside, she is holding in that scream and wanting to just break out of herself. it is sad and speaks to a lot of women. this is powerful and just reeks of resignation, altho the scream is there and could be released in the right circumstance.

    powerful, Amy. good to see you writing again. i also hope your back is better.
    | Posted on 2005-03-04 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice imagery, Is it a big cat or a woman, or both? (or neither, I'm such a dummy) Love the wordplay, and a great finish.
    | Posted on 2005-03-04 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Why walk as if the earth were a sleeping man? Because man - or men - have caused her life to become a scream and a pounce.
    At least,that's what I got from it. Good one!
    | Posted on 2005-03-04 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ]
      ah, well they say the meek shall inherit the earth right? Sounds like your character is very shy and meek and wants to be unnoticed, perhaps especially by men (hence the walking on him) though she Needs to scream and jump up and down. She just doesn't know how.

    Probably had a jerk of a dad who was always telling her where a "woman's place" was. Now she has a disrespect for herself and a fear or dislike for men...

    K...there I go again...reading way too much into your work. Sorry. But you're the one creating all these open-ended stories
    | Posted on 2005-03-04 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this trubute that I atribute to a cat. I like the walking on the earth as if a man with perfect skin that should not be marred. All the images were just wonderful. On another note we can only hope that Nan can open enough to be a daisy loving the sun and life and with a wide open heart. Lynn
    | Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by greensnake | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't see this as a picture of a meek and mild mousey person, but rather someone well aware of their strengths and purpose, who simply approaches life in a composed, compassionate manner. There are many who believe that more in life is accomplished, more learned and there is more satisfaction in following a quiet, caring, and thoughtful path. Sometimes this is a value instilled by one's family, culture, religion or sometimes it is adapted later in life for various reasons,
    She is so quiet and timid , and what beautiful imagery you use to show that;
    " As gently as dew sliding down a flower petal
    Quiet enough not to wake ants
    Lightly enough not to break the spines of dried leaves"

    Yet the the last two lines suggest to me that her outward demeanor was deliberately gentle, soft and innocuous, but she was aware that over her lifetime , her attitude/personality was just as effective as that of those who may be more agressive and less compassionate. I think the scream and the epounce is the basic primal survival instinct, and that even the most passive of creatures lives out their lives using this instinct ." One fish two fish, red fish blue fish, lots of big fish eat little fish, but little fish survive the eons just by being little fish, (Lord, I must sleep)Any way, I liked the title, the thoughtful places it leads, and the way you brought all the gentle sweet images to a steel magnolia conclusion.
    | Posted on 2005-03-06 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      I've fallen in love with this poem. I love every single word of it. It touched my soul! The imagery was wonderful and made me think of a ninja. I sensed strength as well as timidity in this poem.
    | Posted on 2005-03-06 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ]
      amy,
    where do i start?
    at the beginning?
    well that was over 400 days ago.

    we have had our fun.
    you know who i am.
    and i know who you are
    [at least here]
    you are about here
    [here]
































    and i am about here





    [here]

    and that is cool.
    but i still want to tell you what here
    [here]
    sees and what it has to say.
    i have probably read about 300 of your poems if i am to be conservative.
    a squillion if i am to be honest.
    and i would be unfair and wrong if i said i did not like or relate to many things you have written.
    you have some intersting ways of making analogies and you comment on many things. you have your friends here who like your work and some that write in a similar way, and that is also cool.
    you love this place and have many friends.
    you have a style that you have professed to be your own.

    i may be wasting my time here, but it is not a reason not to give it.
    but this is how i see it:
    [below]
    for over 400 days you have written exactly the same thing. you have written poetry with no punctuation [there may be an exception though i have not seen it]
    you have written in 'stream of consciousness'
    [there may be an exception though i have not seen it]
    you have written an average of about 9 lines if i am to be generous.
    [averages do not have exceptions]

    and this is what i have seen.
    for 400 days.

    is it not about time for a change?

    reasons you may not want to change:
    you are unimaginative
    you think you have a winning formula
    you are scared
    [you know people like it and you want to be accepted]
    you do not know how
    you fear rejection
    your writing is therapy and you need to post
    you need the attention
    it works for you.

    reasons you may want to change:
    to challenge yourself
    to give your words more meaning
    to give your words more direction
    to give your emotions more foundation
    to challenge yourself
    to get out of a rut
    to get out of a 400 day rut
    to reach more people
    to reach people you have not reached before
    to be original
    to break a habbit
    to break a style that is not a style it is just a fabrication of your mind
    to reward yourself
    to assume more intelligence of the reader
    to control the reader
    to give more to the reader
    to shut me up.


    i defy you to try something new.
    i challenge you directly.
    right here
    right now.

    you may think i do not know much about you but you give us a lot of yourself here.
    and if i thought you were not a 'good' writer [whatever that is] then i would not be here.
    i think your work would dramatically improve if you moved it forward.
    it does not matter who you write for.
    if you write for yourself, you [we] should all still want to improve.
    if you write for therapy, you [we] should still want to improve.
    if you write to get published then you [we] have to improve.

    your words just fade into the horizon because they all look and feel the same.
    and to go back to what i said before, you write some evocative things and you are wasting the knowledge you have by putting them in the same box all the time.
    timeaftertimeaftertime.

    im sure i had more to say.

    tell me to eat me.
    its nothing i have not heard before.

    bring your words to life.
    you have the perfect opportunity because everyone knows what you do and so you have the element of surprise on your side.
    and that should not be underestimated.

    and this comment is proof. i have not even commented on the words you have written because i can not see them for looking at the same thing.

    you are totally in your comfort zone.
    and that is the most dangerous place to be.

    so dont forget that up there:
    i challenge you again.

    do it amy.
    i dare you.
    i double dare you.

    runrunasfarasyoucancatchmeifyoucancan

    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-03-06 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      slowly, slowly, barely moving, ever so gingerly, touch, touch, breathe... this was so pretty... i'm not used to reading poetry that during the reading of it, i find myself holding my breath! the descriptions in this were very crisp, and it somehow transports the reader to being very very small, and moving so carefully over miles and miles of flesh and flowers and dripping wet vines... very awesome visual... thanks for the read. *md*
    | Posted on 2005-03-07 00:00:00 | by MerryDeath | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the way you verbally tiptoe through this poem. Great use of language and contrasting the quiet with 'scream' was terrific. I'm wondering if you might want to break up those two longer lines, but that's a very minor thing (and up to you). Excellent piece. :-)
    | Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]


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