Description: A re-submit taking into consideration some editing tips given to me from the friednly people at elite skills. Trying to perfect the flow without taking away from it. Looking for some legitmate feedback. BE open honest harsh. But sugar coat it for me please (i'm sensitive (lol))
The Way -------------------------------------------
Allow me to drag you from
your soul
and show you a new place to call
your home
Because some where above us
they're judging lives
but i've found
a dark place to hide.
I'll treat you to danger
and twisted nights
with drugs kissed by poison
for violent highs
The girls there where nothing
but crooked smiles
and I'd bet they'll love your style.
Carry no precaution with you tonight
cast all your burdens to the side
There's free love and free drugs for us to try
and the freedom to live
or the choice to die
Somewhere outside
evil awaits our young minds
so sit back and relax
while i drive
I'm dieing of bordom and so depressed
so i'll follow you blindly till nothings left
But if I don't make it back alive
remember how i loved YOU
till death
I really like this poem, but I think some punctuation would help. Here, I'll just put my suggestions in little [ ]...
Allow me to drag you from your soul[,] and show you a new place to call your home[.] Because some where above us [T]hey're judging lives[,] [B]ut [I]'ve found a dark place to hide.
I'll treat you to danger[,] and twisted nights with drugs kissed by poison for violent highs[.] The girls there [wear] nothing but crooked smiles[,] and I'd bet they'll love your style.
Carry no precaution with you tonight[,] [C]ast all your burdens to the side[.] There's free love and free drugs for us to try[,] and the freedom to live[-] or the choice to die[.]
Somewhere outside[,] [E]vil awaits our young minds[.] [S]o[,] sit back and relax while [I] drive[.]
I'm [dying] of bordom and so depressed[,] [S]o [I]'ll follow you blindly ['til] nothings left[.] But if I don't make it back alive[,] [R]emember how [I] loved YOU ['Til] death[.]
When reading this poem, personally, I feel the last stanza takes away from the piece. I would be perfectly content with it being taken out. It just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of it.
Hope this helps a little! It was a very nice read. ^_^
I like the beginning, how you cut the lines up. You should do that for the rest of the poem too. It adds some spice, pizzazz. Did I just say pizzazz?? Wow that's gay. But, it works, whatever Yeah, so I think maybe it should be like this:
Carry no precaution with you tonight cast all your burdens to the side There's free love and free drugs for us to try and the freedom to live or the choice to die
Somewhere outside evil awaits our young minds so sit back and relax while i drive
Ok maybe that's a bit too much... But you did an excellent job with the beginning, like I said. All the drugs and free love is very Woodstock, Hippy-ish. PEACE!
Submission Name: The Way
Yeah, so I think maybe it should be like this: