I commented on this once before you edited it, and recently I've been going back and rereading some of the poems on my favorites list, and I have to say that the rewrite really did a lot for this piece. The imagery is a lot more vivid, and you still managed to keep the same level of emotion in it while making the piece even more concise. I like it though, speaking even more so as a lover of darkness and the night, and of staying up all night just to watch the stars.
this is a clear, concise and extremely sweet poem. In a single sentance you manage to capture the magic of an entire evening. Your title is also perfect for the poem, mentioninh the word mother, which the rest of the poem richly describes. ~VanillaLeaves
beautiful poem about the moon. I love the moon but every month when it's full, it keeps me awake or wakes me in the middle of the night. I don't know why. possibly something to do with astrology. too complicated I'm sure. but your poem is simple and loving and warm.
Aw, I LOVE this. For some odd reason, I like it when someone begins a poem in medius res (with an and for example). I also like poems about the moon in general. I love the idea of the moon as a mother.
she sprinkled the earth in sugar dusted kisses,
That's a nice was to speak of dew (at least that's what you mean). It also makes me think of that old Echo and the Bunnymen song "Lips Like Sugar."
gently crept across the night sky and kept watch until morning.
She's like a security guard for the whole planet. I liked the minimalism in this poem. It's also very sweet.
I've been meaning to stop by your page for a while but have simply been too busy. I'm glad I did, though
This is lovely, really it is. Sugar-dusted kisses... I just see all these sparkling, twinkling kisses busting through the sky when I read that. But I agree with what the others are saying; you could make this longer, I did like what Silvs said about a picture book. See, kids don't "get" minimalist poetry, and when you're on to a good thing, they want more and more and more and more! And you have such a way, in these descriptions, that I simply cannot see why it should be left, because we are your greedy ES-children, and by hot diggity, we're hungry! Don't listen to me. Too much caffeine, too much sugar, not enough sleep. (your journal suggests that you know what I mean...) Anyway, I did enjoy this read. I liked that she watches over the stars and sleeping children til morning comes... Night shift, eh? Take care... Lea
This is very sweet, and I can imagine the moon putting her little stars to bed at night. For the love of your child, it's very beautiful and speaks well to her. To know that the moon is watching over us at night is a calming and real etude, very well done. Thanks for sharing this one, peace and blisses,
Short and concise, and I love it for that. I'm one of those people that absolutely adores the night, and that could practically be my theme poem. It's beautiful the way you describe all of that. Thank you for sharing this poem, for I adore it.
It's neatly done and there are ticks in all the boxes and it is what you say it is: the end of the day for a child. I like it for that. I would like it even more if there were more though: why not 'Mother Moon and Sister Sun' or somesuch and give us the daytime too? A contrast if you will and an opportunity to open our anoraks at the neck... I'll tell you what I like about the moon: something flying across it - it's like whatever it is is escaping into another dimension. Whatever. Later, K
I do like how short it is, there is something very appealing about seeing a shortly written piece right off. When I identify that I'll let you know. In the mean time...I liked this for it's complexity in a describing a simplistic event. I like the analogy's you've insinuated and I'm sure your daughter will appreciate this a lot some day, if not already. Love the work, look forward to more. ]V[ajin
this is like a newspaper cutting that fell out of a scrapbook or photoalbum to remind you of something of years gone by, or when the [a] child is grown up. i think it is sweet. it is soft. it does what you and it says it does. it is organised and written well and it moves down the page with tenderlightfeet.
but it is not enough.
it is good to stick by her pillow to say goodnight and such, but not enough in my opinion for poetry. and this is the thing. you have created such a plcae to start so it would be such a waste if you did not complete it. you need to make it into a piece that you do not know yet. keith has a good suggestion, or you could just continue on more of the same; describe more of this, and of the child that it relates to.
it is easy to write something here and then just post it. especially if it is 'nice.' but some of us are hungry and demanding. [some are not]
so your challenge should you wish to accept it! finish it. make it. this is the perfect start, the perfect middle or the perfect end, so it is not a mammoth task to give it the rest that it deserves.
Say hey! This is very nice. After I read it a couple of times, I wondered if you have a tense shift to fiddle with at the end. Look at this edit and see if you agree or not, I could be all wet.
And when she had put the stars to bed, she sprinkled the earth in sugar dusted kisses, gently crept across the night sky and kept watch until morning.
(made "keeping" which is present tense, "Kept" which is past tense like the rest that precedes it.)
This is a very beautiful poem indeed. Descriptive, one can actually picture it as you read. I enjoy reading this type of poetry and think we need more of this kind on this site. I especially like the way the moon gently creeps across the sky until morning. I'll be reading more of your posts for sure. Carol
very sweet. i could see the moon tucking the stars into their beds in the sky and keeping watch over them. beautiful little write for your daughter. like a little fairy tale. sweet..
I read this before you edited it, and I think it reads much better now. This is the second thing I have read tonight dedicated to a beloved child (Zandalee by greensnake was the other). These familial poems of love, tribute or those just written to amuse a child, are hard to critique because they are so personal in nature or because they are written in a tongue that children can understand. I liked this René, it is short and sweet, and paints a pretty picture of a loving Mother Moon.The imagery is fresh and appealing to the child in everyone, –I especially liked "sugar dusted kisses",-all the ways you personify her show a loving maternal side that is appropriate to the title.
I think is a great idea that could be expanded a bit though; this part, the tucking in of the child and standing watch all night,is tender and imaginative and certainly fitting for a bedtime story, but it seems like the end of a story rather than the full deal.
I am not sure where to suggest to begin it though, perhaps in the morning when earths's children wake, she and the stars work and play all day, unseen in the bright sunshine. Perhaps this mother pulls the sea away from the shore so we can make sand castles,and hunt for the treasure she sprinkles on the beach. (then later tidies up by washing the shoreline clean, chasing us to higher ground while she hides more goodies and smoothes the sand out once more. She helps fishermen get the big ones, and is a wonderful gardener, helping Father Sun make flowers and delicious things to eat.This could even make a good picture book, your daughter could draw the pictures, and you pen the appropriate sections.
Or perhaps it shall remain as it is, and that's good too Very Nice, Sally
Submission Name: Mother Moon
