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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Nothing WakesYouUp LikeA Guardraildots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 330
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 894
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2039



    Description:
       Before everyone says haven't I seen this before; the answer is yes, but I wanted to see with the changes I made would it be better received. Thanks, all comments welcome.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNothing WakesYouUp LikeA Guardraildots
    -------------------------------------------


    Life
    is like a carpool
    and its ever changing lanes.
    So many choices, no one goes it the same.
    Some without a liscence, others uninsured.
    Frustration vents and someone flips you the bird.
    There is no right way to go.
    It's about that last left you made,
    to keep with the flow.

    Some just cruisin, totally unconscious of time.
    Others losing it cause they spilled coffee on their tie.

    The radio is on.
    What freeway am I on?
    Is this where I get off?
    As another opportunity is lost.
    This happens every day.
    A rat race through the smog in L.A.

    Masterbation is senseless without ejaculation.
    Like directions needing corections to your destination.
    Everyone at times breaks down.
    You feel the pressure, every eye in the crowd.
    Horns honking, it gets frantic.
    but you learn how to handle it.

    Cursing and swerving, you're always learning.
    To controll the rage inside thats burning.
    Keep it steady and always be ready.
    The man next to you, wants to get through.
    Do you punch it down, and make him go around?
    Or are you courteous, and let him go first?.

    There are many cliché's within the words of each phrase.
    But more attention is needed to be paid these days.
    These areour lives and the times we drive;
    It's all about the desire to arriving alive.
    I am still learning what it's all about..
    But get on, get off, get in, and get out.
    Just about spells it out.

    Some are very tired.
    Some just shouldn't be drivers.
    There is no one way thats right.
    But there's nothing like a guardrail
    to wake you up in the middle of the night.

    Driving and life are quite the same.
    Go with the flow, but be ready to change.

    L A M E M A N S T E R M S




    Submitted on 2005-03-04 23:38:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Man, so many people try to follwo their friends, trying to take the easy way out of finding your own way. One of theses days, we are all going to crash and burn, and no one will be able to save us. Sorry for the negativity, but society kind of sucks and it's all going to fall apart. I would love if we could just paste this piece up on every billboard in every language arcoss the face of the earth because it just might knock the sense into someone.
    ~Jess
    | Posted on 2005-04-05 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      I really did like this. Wonderful comparison to life. When reading it, I really felt as though the line about masturbation was completely out of place with the rest of the poem. I think that if you want to keep that line (and it really is a good line) then I would suggest trying to find a way to better connect it with the rest of poem so that the entire thing flows as a whole, uninterrupted. But I really like the accuracy with the simile is portrayed. It makes one stop and think, and I actually did realize that that is surprisingly close to what my life is like. Well written poem.

    And no, I didn't read this one before; This was my first time reading it.
    | Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]
      Am I the first to comment? YAY!

    Okay sorry for the outburst of emotion. This was really great, couple of gramatical things, typos, etc, but i wont bog you down with those.

    Dont know why but i think this :
    "Do you punch it down, and make him go around?" Should just say 'round instead of around.

    "Go with the flow, but be ready to change." And this is perhaps the most meaningful line i have read all night.

    Wonderful write. Whats with the fixation on mastUrbation? Keep em coming.

    nurple
    | Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by pinurplepassion | [ Reply to This ]
      Unbiased review, hey?



    The poem's mixed metaphor of life is mildly euphonious, to say the least. Its sense of street rhythm (and probably rap) is commendable, but lacking and dutifully detrimental when compounded by spelling mistakes; creative rendition of the English langauge can be done, and done well; grammatical issues and confusing clauses tend to work in the opposite direction. I'd at least alter the grammar so it's correct in some dialect or another, instead of some sort of phalangial frenzy.
    Sure, life can be like driving down the freeway; the comparison to the carpool lane, however, meets less welcome, and would do better if there was more support than "changing lanes" and "decisions." The off-kilter rhyme sounds almost drunk and ecstatic, the throes of literary love or something similar. At these points the metaphor begins to tread upon thin ice; the cracking sounds cry out for bolster, and if more convincing defense was included the portion describing self-satisfaction might find a more appropriate niche to dwell in.

    The rhyme, unfortunately, while amusing, is without question more dross than jewelry. One would do better shaving off the slant, imperfect, and overdone rhymes, as the majority of the stanzas echo of free verse and not some form of control or eloquence. If there's no comparison to the greats, there need not be common ground, and T.S. Eliot would do better with this by his side than Shakespeare or Milton. Granted, shaking off the rhymes entirely might not be the author's wishes, but the amateur-ish quality it injects into the poem is likely not the desired result, either.

    As a poem, it's considerably lacking on the aspects of design, style, and concept, but as prose it would fare better; I might suggest re-tailoring it to fit the unrestrained meadows of literature where paragraphs and indentations take precedence, instead of wading the deep end of the poetic pool. This work is mired in its own devices, and the simple message therein feels encumbered by its weighty package. To put it simply, the poem could use shortening without any real harm done to its literary value.


    Sincerely,

    Eternity's Lyre
    | Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey buddy- read this one the first time and I do like that it seems to flow alot better in places that it did not before. Usually I want the rhythm to be a certain way, but with your topic of life on a freeway, it makes sense- changing lanes, stopping short, etc. So I like it this way. The only other thing was what others said about some grammatical stuff and typos, but whatever floats your boat...the main one for me was
    "It's all about the desire to arriving alive
    I feel it should be the desire of arriving alive or the desire in arriving alive. That being said, I always love your loose, what's happenin' attitude and I especially like the last line. Peace and Love- Mags
    | Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]


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