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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Loss of a Goddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Eloen
    ASL Info:    17/No/Boxville
    Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 35/46/16
    Words: 178
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 284
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 955



    Description:
       Part of a larger whole. Take of it what you will. I hope you will take something.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLoss of a Goddots
    -------------------------------------------


    "Where is it?" I asked, looking at Joe's shaved head, at his still bright eyes.

    "Here," he said, and pointed in his odd way, touching his middle finger to his chest, right next to his heart. "I haveta go now, they need me inside."

    Joe walked to the wide double doors of the hospital as they opened like the jaws of a giant to greet him. The drops of rain slammed against the top of the awning with a new intensity, as if they sensed that our leader wasn't with us anymore. As the doors started to close, Joe turned and looked at us. We stood, entranced by his face, his shaved head reflecting the artificial hospital light. Right before the jaws finally shut, Joe grinned. And winked.

    So we sit here, night after night, the original seven of us. Once, once we had a god to follow, a god to lead us to adventure. Now we can only sit, sit and hope for his return.




    Submitted on 2005-03-05 17:37:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I can't saymuch about the 'story line' since i suppose what the author wanted was some thinking from the readers.
    The imagery and its use are fine but the theme must have been a bit clear, though it does wonders to the number of interpretations the brief scene would get.
    Is it a piece from the author's full fledged story?
    | Posted on 2005-12-25 00:00:00 | by Devrath | [ Reply to This ]
      ..and I return, empty-handed.

    If there were any allegories within the story, I found no culprit with the clues in hand. One thinks to Christianity, then Snow White, yet comes to no veritable conclusions. If you'd tell me what it was actually about I might learn more, as it appears you have a message to give, which I admire.

    Onto the work itself, there's nothing "wrong" with it. Youhatehonesty wasn't in the right state of mind to properly address the work, and I'm guessing the point was that there was no before and after. The trouble with "snapshot" pieces is that they either require an encyclopedia of background information or uncanny knowledge of the author's private life. So a before and after might help, as an author's note, or something. I also noted a significant reluctance to present the smaller details; it's almost Elizabethan in its general descriptions of hairdo, eyes, a hospital, then something like rain in metaphorical detail. For what it is, it works, but if you could put more clues or hints into the story it would make that much more sense to the rest of us ignoramuses. Do tell me what you had in mind, won't you?
    | Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ]
      I like what you have, it's interesting. I hate to sound overly ignorant but then again I probably am. When you say that this prose is part of a whole, will this continue to unfold in other works, and if so is this in the beginning of the longer story or more in the middle. Anyway, let's get to the feedback factor. Hm. One of the reasons I like this, even though it doesn't tell a whole story it makes you think. It's open enough to allow people like me and others to draw our own conclusions and, using your great imagary, we can add more scenes and think about what is it about these people that drew them together, why exactly is their "leader" in the hospital and is this more of a clan relationship (that's what I thought of when you used the word "god" to describe him). Even if that isn't what you meant by this, that's just one of the posible conclussions to draw. Very good job though, quiet original - I look forward to reading more of your work.
    -Ashley
    | Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by shivaree | [ Reply to This ]



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