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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "she"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 206
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1169
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 887



    Description:
       I don't know what this is? So enjoy the bash, this is so not me? right? who knows?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"she"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    You give me reasons not to leave
    You made me even want to believe in me
    You made me open my eyes to everything
    You made me hang on a little longer
    Said it would only make me stronger

    So I sing this song to her today;
    The days are clearer,
    I'm a believer, in every way
    she's the one I've been missing,
    She brings meaning to my every being

    So I say.........this out loud to her today.
    You know me better than I know me
    with you I'm not so ugly
    I'm not one of the undesirables anymore
    Thank you for not just letting me be
    I'm so much more than before
    ~~~~I'm more like you,
    ~~~~and so much less like me...

    L A M 3 M A N $ T 3 R M $




    Submitted on 2005-03-05 20:57:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow. This was good. I can see the transformatin of yourself in the poem. How you start of as yourself then slowly your molded into what she has created to her liking. In the beginning I can relate because thats how I felt about my ex. She kept me off drugs and got my mind off of the world for once and focused it on more important things. The more I go readin your list you gave me I keep getting more ideas of what to write about. Though I know I will probably forget later on. This was good. Short and simple. I think if I can fully understand it then it was put it Lamemansterms! good job. -james
    | Posted on 2005-09-10 00:00:00 | by musclebound350 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think underneath it all you are just a big softy Mike. I'm sure of it. It is nice to let that out from time to time. Chicks dig that. I think you could be a little more attached to your feelings in this piece, give your word choices a little more thought- if you did- this might touch HER deeper. oxxo Mags
    | Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      You describe exactly why this isn't working. You do have some good lines in the first stanza, ones that women like to hear, but then the sincerity leaves me. No this piece just isn't you and really that's the only reason it doesn't work. Now, if you, lameman, were writing a song, and this was a lyric from which you were detached, yes, it would fly. Don't be discouraged, I'll be back to read again, put your heart and soul in and I'll be there, even if I like women! Thanks for sharing,
    peace and love,

    nansofast
    | Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this poem, it's a nice little twist. It made it seem like a happy resolution was nere, and that things were a lot better. One of the things I enjoyed about your poem, which I'm not sure if you meant it to be like I interpreted, was the end.

    "Thank you for not just letting me be
    for making me more like you
    and so much less like me..."

    The reason that I found that so interesting was generally people try to use "I have found me" or they redefine themselves, in this it's like the person is just disregarding himself instead of reform - as though the person isn't just changing but is completly different. I hope that made sense to you. Forgive me, decongestant medicine makes me woozy. Anyway, wonderful job. And, though I know this is mentioned a lot to the point of it seeming meaningless, your poem DID have a really nice flow to it.

    Keep it up and good luck with future writings
    <3 Ashley
    | Posted on 2005-03-05 00:00:00 | by shivaree | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, LT, I don't know what you are like, so it makes no difference to me if this is like you or not. As far as your poem goes, I liked quite a bit your first stanza, but then it fell apart. The second stanza is generally a mess. You lost all form and focus. The first stanza, indeed the whole poem judging from the title is to be about her, the "She", but your second stanza abruptly shifts to you and not in a good way necessarily - gives you reasons not to drink? Statements like that are how you woo your lady? Good grief, man, you're a poet! Be poetic!

    The idea of your last stanza is good, but you never quite make it back to the same focus as the first stanza. I think you need to work on this some more - start by getting rid of the whole second stanza! mae
    | Posted on 2005-03-06 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      dude, you are definately a huggable teddy bear underneath that pervert exterior (sorry for the harshness, but that's what I can tell from here). This also sounds like it's about that girlfriend that you had before Valentines Day, but I could be mistaken. What happened with her anyway? I think that everyone is searching for that person who will change them into something better, however, we don't want to lose ourselves. It's like we want to evolve, but that there are certain things that we can't part with. Like, I want to grow up (yeah, I'm 17 and still hven't completely grown up) and move out, yet I still have the teddy bear that I got when I was a baby and it still sits on my be everyday. Do you get what I mean? This all makes sense to me, so maybe you can make sense out of it too. I've done that thing where you count on someone to help you, to help change all the bad things in your life. And I found out that it doesn't work. Because in the end I was still alone and miserable and still had the same problems. And I hate how people try to make me change. I hate it. Anyway, I guess that I have to go back to the fact of how well you described something that is basically one of the most primal human instincts ever. The feeling that you have to change to make someone like you. I loved it dude, and it hit real close to home.
    ~Jess
    | Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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