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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Leroydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: C. Flava
    ASL Info:    19/M/ILLINOIS
    Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 87/117/28
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Me
    Total Views: 732
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 980



    Description:
       Ok basically this some of the "Faces" I go through also known as my inner demons I got the idea from a poet on the site hers was something about the inner child in us so I decided to make something with all of my 6 faces
    I hope you enjoy it. 1 love


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLeroydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm the personallity that you would love to hate
    I have no remorse and I feel no pain
    If you try to test me your asking for death
    I don't give a fuck who you is or were ya from
    Cause if you start it i'll finish it

    I never back down it's not in my nature
    I always have to prove myself to people who think there tough
    But doing so could result to you needing an undertaker

    I'm like a pitbull on a mission
    I aim for the throat and won't let go
    I love to see people torture it's what I do
    Like making you sit there while I run through your house and kill yo whole family slowly letting you hear there screams and there blood gushing all over the place.

    But let me say this one thing if you"EVER I MEAN EVER" wanna start some shit come let me know
    Cause please believe I have no problem comming out and puttin on little show.




    Submitted on 2005-03-06 12:11:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      first of all I read the other comments usually I don't+ but this is not a great write by any means I dont know why anyone would even tell you that, to me its not even fair BUT it does have a lot of feeling that I can dig BUT you start off ina sentance and I'm thinking that a big rhyme or punch line or something is coming and then,,,it doesnt like in the first stanza

    I'm the personallity that you would love to hate
    I have no remorse and I feel no pain
    [now this is fine]
    If you try to test me your asking for death
    I don't give a [censored] who you is or were ya from
    Cause if you start it i'll finish it
    [now thats what Im talking about this is what I would have done]
    If you try to test me your asking for death
    I don't give a [censored] who you is or were ya from
    started with a hand shake now my hands around your neck[rhymes with the 1st line]
    laying there in a bloody mess I told ya son-
    [then you could say something else if you want about the neighberhood thing and how is rep isnt cared about. I was born in Manhattan New York so I understand what it is to be part of a group of guys you run with. Maybe my rhymes arent the best exampe but I think you got my point.
    [now this line isn't right at all]
    I love to see people torture it's what I do
    [you either want to say]
    I torture people thats what I do
    or
    [now this one I like]
    I live to torture
    all you mother [censored]ers
    it's what I was born for
    [see that it didn't change anything and it has alittle rhyme that works in a poem and a rap.
    I think all your ideas are there they just need a littyle finese. know wHAT i MEAN? nOW ALL THIS IS JUST MY OPINION SO TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT AND IF YOU NEED SOME MORE HELP ASK ME i'LL BE GLAD TO HELP, btw i THINK YOU SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME OF CASPER- NOW DONT TAKE OFFENSE TO THIS LIKE SOME MIGHT BUT HERE IT IS
    "CASPER THE FRIENDLY NIGGER"
    HOWS THAT , PRETTY GOOD HUH? i'LL SEE YOU AROUND MAN LATER
    L.t
    | Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      OMG! Are you my ex-husband? LOL. The description of him is like you know him. Now the murder, murder, kill, kill stuff...He has not risen that far YET. The personality is down to a science..
    That's crazy dude.
    | Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by smalltown | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice job! I have a lot of positive comments and only a few negative critiques. So, I'll just get the nasty stuff over and done with. I noticed a few mechanical errors, though considering I make plenty of my own don't take this as being mean, just some suggestions. For example,

    "I don't give a [censored] who you is or were ya from"

    Instead of "is" (unless this is for poetic license, in which case I understand but I'll just tell you the normally gramaticalyl correct way) you should of used "are" and a few times I think you could of used a comma to help seperate a block sentence that just didn't sound right.

    But, you are very talented. Your poem didn't waver, it stayed strong and didn't back down at all from your position. I'm not much a fan for such dark poetry, so I can't really critique it 100% accurately, but as far as I can see this is a wonderful example.
    Good Job and Keep It Up
    - Ashley
    | Posted on 2005-03-06 00:00:00 | by shivaree | [ Reply to This ]


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