Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Scattered Pearlsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Crutch
    ASL Info:    65/M/Ar.
    Elite Ratio:    7.58 - 44/27/12
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1104
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 881



    Description:
       Conserned about structure and clarity of thought image.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsScattered Pearlsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tracks in the sand mark a line of remorse
    For a life derailed from a chosen course.
    As we plead for exclusion with sweet sublime
    And rapidly make mention of a wounded mind,

    As we seek for exception with spurious plea,
    And lay claim to a heart full of despondency,
    The sigh in our voice shows a careless regard
    For emotions grown cold and conscience chard.

    Don't sing me soft anthems of desolate scorn
    Nor lip sync curses of the day you were born;
    Breath on the mirror is profuse evidence of
    A Spirit's strong will and a flesh not spent.

    The pearls we scattered on the sands of time
    Lay trampled in dust at the feet of swine;
    The cards now dealt must yet be played, and
    all our prayers won't make a heart a spade.






    Submitted on 2005-03-06 15:35:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey, Carl,

    In your description, you say you are concerned about structure and clarity. I think you've done well enough with your clarity (except for a word or two), but in a couple of places, the rhythm stumbles, if that's what you mean by structure.

    If you are interested in a critique of the mechanics of the poem, then continue reading. If you're only interested in general thoughts, then let me say I enjoyed this and you can stop reading.

    Still with me?

    And rapidly make mention of a wounded mind

    Try leaving out "make" and "of" in this line. It helps the flow.

    And the same for this line.

    And lay claim to a heart full of despondency,

    Leave out "full" to help the rhythm.

    For emotions grown cold and conscience chard.

    I think you mean "charred" here. "Chard" is a vegetable.

    And this just kind of fell apart:

    Breath on the mirror is profuse evidence of
    A Spirit's strong will and a flesh not spent.

    Your rhythm is way off and you lost your rhyme. I thought about writing a sample, but you've done well enough on your own. You don't need me to rewrite it.

    The cards now dealt must yet be played, and
    all our prayers won't make a heart a spade.

    These are fabulous lines, but they read awkwardly. Sometimes, the 'sound' of a word will throw a line off, even if the syllables are right. I think the problem lies in the word "won't" with its strong sound. Or maybe it's the combination of 'won't make' - the two strong sounds right together. What I mean is, with two heavy words together, they both must be stressed throwing off the rhythm.

    I hope you found this helpful and I didn't overstep any bounds. mae
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      That last line is the one that makes this piece amazing to me. In life, I have chosen several time to walk a path different from the one that is in God's perfect will for my life. It always results in unpleasant consequences that are difficult to understand sometimes, but I am learning each day to look for the signs that a decision i am about to make is the exact one He wants. I have been amazed at some of the things i would get myself into if I hadn't really prayed about it...and the things i DID gat myself into because i really thought i had it all set, and relied on my intelligence instead of on the Everlasting Arms. This is ultimately what this poem spoke to my heart...undeniable truth.
    Wonderful Job!
    | Posted on 2005-03-15 00:00:00 | by bluemayskye | [ Reply to This ]
      In other words, "reap what you sow" Very nice, I thought of a drug addict (tracks) If you get time, please read my "the sparrow" Your last line reminded me of it. Good job, nice rhyme.
    | Posted on 2005-03-06 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      i... i... i love it... i mean that the rhyming made it better, but still... i love it... it gave me a feeling of ppl are naturally disgusting and such, especially at the part where u say pearls under the feet of swine... and i'm a great believer in ppl suck :P so, really, really, REALLY awesome. i'm rating it a 5
    | Posted on 2005-03-06 00:00:00 | by sailorliones | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice flow and imagary. The scattered pearls was a good comparison. My favorite part was -
    The pearls we scattered on the sands of time
    Lay trampled in dust at the feet of swine;
    The cards now dealt must yet be played, and
    all our prayers won't make a heart a spade.

    Excellent. The last stanza really tied it up and made a good poem ever better. Nice work!
    XOXO - Omni
    | Posted on 2005-03-07 00:00:00 | by omnipotent | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    49353

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry