In your description, you say you are concerned about structure and clarity. I think you've done well enough with your clarity (except for a word or two), but in a couple of places, the rhythm stumbles, if that's what you mean by structure.
If you are interested in a critique of the mechanics of the poem, then continue reading. If you're only interested in general thoughts, then let me say I enjoyed this and you can stop reading.
Still with me?
And rapidly make mention of a wounded mind
Try leaving out "make" and "of" in this line. It helps the flow.
And the same for this line.
And lay claim to a heart full of despondency,
Leave out "full" to help the rhythm.
For emotions grown cold and conscience chard.
I think you mean "charred" here. "Chard" is a vegetable.
And this just kind of fell apart:
Breath on the mirror is profuse evidence of A Spirit's strong will and a flesh not spent.
Your rhythm is way off and you lost your rhyme. I thought about writing a sample, but you've done well enough on your own. You don't need me to rewrite it.
The cards now dealt must yet be played, and all our prayers won't make a heart a spade.
These are fabulous lines, but they read awkwardly. Sometimes, the 'sound' of a word will throw a line off, even if the syllables are right. I think the problem lies in the word "won't" with its strong sound. Or maybe it's the combination of 'won't make' - the two strong sounds right together. What I mean is, with two heavy words together, they both must be stressed throwing off the rhythm.
I hope you found this helpful and I didn't overstep any bounds. mae
That last line is the one that makes this piece amazing to me. In life, I have chosen several time to walk a path different from the one that is in God's perfect will for my life. It always results in unpleasant consequences that are difficult to understand sometimes, but I am learning each day to look for the signs that a decision i am about to make is the exact one He wants. I have been amazed at some of the things i would get myself into if I hadn't really prayed about it...and the things i DID gat myself into because i really thought i had it all set, and relied on my intelligence instead of on the Everlasting Arms. This is ultimately what this poem spoke to my heart...undeniable truth. Wonderful Job!
i... i... i love it... i mean that the rhyming made it better, but still... i love it... it gave me a feeling of ppl are naturally disgusting and such, especially at the part where u say pearls under the feet of swine... and i'm a great believer in ppl suck :P so, really, really, REALLY awesome. i'm rating it a 5
Very nice flow and imagary. The scattered pearls was a good comparison. My favorite part was - The pearls we scattered on the sands of time Lay trampled in dust at the feet of swine; The cards now dealt must yet be played, and all our prayers won't make a heart a spade.
Excellent. The last stanza really tied it up and made a good poem ever better. Nice work! XOXO - Omni