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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Red sock burnsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ellisa
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400/415/125
    Words: 149
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1422
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 968



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRed sock burnsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Alisha stripped down quick
    And stepped in
    Steeped in hot water
    Too hot, red sock
    Up to her ankles burnt
    Hair tied up to escape
    Those bubbles that hiss when you move

    Tonight she didn’t want to wash her hair

    Fingers move in the mirror
    Feet leave steam-prints
    On cool white tiles
    As she smoothes skin
    In lavender scented cream
    And sweeps the little make-up
    That she stole across her face

    She took a razor from her father’s drawer

    Nipped and cut, here and there
    Young blood swelling out
    Her pale legs never felt so smooth
    She had never felt so good
    Trying to push tiny breasts
    into a bra she bought
    and putting on the clothes she chose

    Ally Marr had asked her out to play

    This was the day











    Submitted on 2005-03-07 13:17:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is probably the first poem on a while that just said "love me". i really loved it. the way it didnt need any weird words or difficult patterns, it just was and is and is loved. it's flowing and a bit story-like, and very cleverly tells about young girls wanting to be women. goodgood. i dont know...i somehow got a little icky feeling at the middlepart, i first thought she would cut her with the razor(thank god not).

    //And sweeps the little make-up
    That she stole across her face//

    this was somehow very adorable line. my english isnt perfect, but i got the picture that she had probably stolen a little bit of makeup from her mother? whatever it means, i love it. i dont know about "amazing" or "brilliant" but the piece in itself, the something it's saying, the story, that's something i love. better than purple lipstick on midsummer's night.
    | Posted on 2005-03-23 00:00:00 | by _taateli_ | [ Reply to This ]
      "Too hot, red sock"
    My favourite line.
    I think that this is a refreshing change from the usual 'growing up' poems. It's very self-contained, and one of those poems that I just have to agree with. The way I've interpretted it, is that children, especially girls, are growing up too fast, and isn't it awful? I got this mainly because you used a semantic field of youth throughout the poem, but concentrated it in the last stanza. One thing I ddin't like was that the last two lines rhymed, which for me, made it sound cliché. I actually hate rhyming couplets and think that they are absolute [censored]es to use.
    I like the way you describe her putting on make-up as "stole across her face" It made me think taht it was very unnatural that this young girl was weraing make-up, but also that her mother/father doesn't approve because she has to hide it?
    I liked the line "nipped and cut" because it seems like a pun to me. The obvious meaning is that she 'nicked' her legs, but by using nipped, you reminded me of the show nip/tuck, nipped and cut? Is it just me?
    Back to my favourite line though, "Too hot, red sock" i thought that this was a lovely and original description; I could imagine it very clearly because its something that i've done so many times.
    Overall very nice, except those bedamned rhyming couplets.
    | Posted on 2005-03-07 00:00:00 | by Fifi | [ Reply to This ]
      This made me think of my daughter-just 10 and already begging me to let her shave her legs...playing in my bras, stealing my makeup. What a great way you have woven all of this together in such a tidy way. I like your title, and I thought your topic so creative... however,
    "Feet leave steam-printed feet"
    this line seemed redundant to me though,...
    "She had never felt so good"...I also felt like this line could be alot stronger, something more than "good"...something more descriptive.
    All that aside, I enjoyed this and thought it was reminiscent of a Judy Blume excerpt. I like Judy Blume so that is not meant in a bad way. hee.
    Hope some of this helps...Magnolia
    | Posted on 2005-03-07 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow I actually got it.. At first I am like what the heck was going on.. But now I totally understand. I wasn't really like this. Not to gross you out, I started young wearing bras.. No if your thinking I am fat.. No none of that stuff. But I never really tried on my moms make up. But yes I can relate to the shaving the legs thing. At one point I "needed" to shave my legs or so I thought.. I don't want to go into details. Girls just want to grow up so fast.. Nowadays.. I mean I think I grew somehow a little to fast.. I don't.
    Loved the poem girl...
    I'll look for more of your writes in the future.
    Can't wait to look forward of reading them..


    much love to ya hun
    stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-03-07 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Magnolia about the feet leave steam-printed feet. I think "feet leave steam imprints" is fine. Fingers move in the mirror. Are you speaking of drawing in the fogged mirror? I think you need to develop this a bit more too. I'm sorry, I'm only harping on the points that need attention, but it is a great piece and it seems that many relate strongly to it, so you've got a winner here. I'm sure after you mull it over, it'll all come out in the wash.
    *wink*
    | Posted on 2005-03-07 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Tell you mate, could spend a good while reading that one! It's on the favourites already.

    It reminded me of my wife at first, when we'd sit and blether from the edge of the bath. Your poem gets quite disturbing at the end and am not entirely sure as to how sinister I should read into it. No doubt I'll comment again once I've read it a wee while...
    | Posted on 2005-03-07 00:00:00 | by Sanny | [ Reply to This ]


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