Gliding through electrons
on cloudless cold city nights
I break the wake
emitted by fluorescent lights
as the universe rolls
forward in frames
like the corner
of a picture book
Static but active
have no need
they simply exist
like the light, but as well
with the flick
of a switch
I read the title, and thought, what kind of person would write about kicking a cat. (Which is moronic since I'm studying about Schroedinger at the moment)
Then you started to talk about electrons, and I honestly thought it was going to be pure boring scientific babble.
But oh, no, I was surprised.
The skill in while imagery was mixed into all the scientific parts is honestly surprising. Most times people would end up sounding cheesy or too literal, but this is perfect.
And underlying it all is a reminder, in scientific words, but in literary imagination, that the world can just one day up and go "Bang." and the lights will go off without any warning, and any reason, other than the fact that it can and that's how it goes.
I do like the title... Kicking the unseen, the unknowable... perhaps the dead... gives it an existance. On to critique. The meter of the second line throws me off when I read it.. when I speak it to myself. I think all the line needs a a bit of syntax revision. Maybe "On those cold and cloudness city nights." In the last stanza, the line that jumps out at me is line 7. It's added length seem s to be very weak in the writing and whwn all the other lines around it are so short and to the point... it really sticks out as a bit off. I think All you'd need to do there is cut it into two lines. It would give the stanza continuity.
THE GOOD: Love this, will have to read everthing you have out there. I'm a fan of scientific themes myself and whatever Buffaloman says do it more.
Religon is in its death throws, and it was a death-laden subject from the start, the truth is always sexy whatever the fools of fashion may tell us.
THE BAD: But I rave and my doctor has told me to stop that. Even gave me a wack of Thorazine to boot!
THE UGLY: Use some puncuation, damn you. This drives me nuts when people of tallent descide to eschew little things like how the language works. It's a pet peeve of mine and I've been told it's petty by some but I stand by it. I if I were U which I guess would force you to be me sorry about that one and thus neither of us would know the people we know or when to go to works or indeed where or in fact how to doso; would do it like thus:
Gliding through electrons on cloudless cold city nights, I break the wake of particle-waves emitted by fluorescent lights as the universe rolls forward in frames like the corner of a picture book; flipping.
Static but active, these frames have no need of predecessor or justification. They simply exist like the light, but as well could end with the flick of a switch:
this poem contains a certain blend of science and i have to say that while it is refreshing, i would not use that twist too much. i di not understand the title at all, but maybe i am not supposed to understand it. it was alright, but i have seen better.
This is a very creative poem and you have put a bit of a spin on some scientific stuff! I dont read too much about chemistry and physics around here so this one is definitely refreshing and very cleverly done. And I like the "click" at the end too, very nice touch to finish off this most interesting poem. I must admit this is not at all what I expected when I saw the title...I was thinking...hmmm...ok...he kicked someone's cat! hahahaha! Nice poem. Take care.
I just love poetry that makes you think! Very good, Chris, I feel I can see what you set out to achieve here, and I can see that you succeeded admirably, and in words it doesn't need a quantum physicist (which I was in another life) to interpret. Bloody good, probably too short, it certainly deserves more. well done Be Happy Graeme
this is actually really really interesting. i have never read here at elite any poems along these lines. from that perspective alone that is awesome to come up with new ideas that have rarely been tounched on. (coming from both a science and art educational background i was intrigued!)
I know that I read this years ago and it was you that wrote it and I understand why it's here again. Divine reinvention; a need beyond words to offer up a meaning... The description is useful (unusually) because it tells us that we're reading something written by someone who is not a complete f.uckwit. And the pom is a lecture, given in a benign way but a lecture nonetheless and its in-built cadence and energy excite an equal and opposite reaction. I like it for one view of the hinterland. For a view of a far horizon. Careful with that axe Eugene. Or that razor Mr Occam... Take it easy. K