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    dots Submission Name: baking sodadots

    Author: shaman
    ASL Info:    32/m/Holland,MI
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 821/406/72
    Words: 554
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1967
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3314

       Blah blah blah! : P
    I had to modify my line breaks because I was rambling so if it doesn't flow well that's why; can't rely on this site to fit my words on one line, advice( even criticism ) is much appreciated. peace

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsbaking sodadots

    Augmented like the leaves; crumpled
    Under sheets of snow; softening the blow as
    I hit a root with my foot and fall head over heels
    For your orange peel layered coats.
    Though your curves are hidden
    I see them in Swirling sterling rings
    Singing psalms from your palms.
    Each calm embrace my prize;
    The chase temporarily halted,
    Exalted on iced asphalt.
    Could it be that sipping ginger tea is more than just a pastime?
    And why does my heart love another?
    Under cover all I want is to feel
    Your concealed pale skin
    Inch by inch across crumpled sheets;
    Pillows tossed onto the floor.
    What's more, before I knew your name I knew your game;
    Monopoly of the moment.
    An opponent in this game of chess;
    A pawn at dawn; such voluptuous breasts,
    I'm in checkmate before a move is made.
    So afraid and anxious interlacing our fingers
    The sensation lingers lyrically in my head.
    Deprived of you;
    A fledgling who grew feathers but has yet to fly, Contact like Prozac intensified.
    Happy sedated;
    You get the gist;
    your fists list longing in perfect dialect;
    Language of lovers.
    Magnifying plants
    Entranced to see that ants also dance the way we do;
    A universal poem,
    unchoreographed haiku.
    Giraffing your neck every time that I enter your sight line;
    A quick change of direction as if some introspection had embarrassed you;
    Made you select a new hue, un peau rouge.
    Each embrace displaces my soul.
    I overflow from my crown drowning out dreams
    Until streams of thought are undistinguishable from this moment.
    Alas in those eyes; those thighs, I find peace.
    Could it be that maybe we like MP3's are easily downloaded into songs?
    What's wrong with this moment?
    Even if thereís no future, this sutra might be all that matters.
    Splattered like paint, self restraint stains my apparel.
    A barrel in motion even if devotion is only to the now.
    Itís still devotion fully and completely;
    Reverse origami,
    Sheets of sleet spread ahead on lifeís path
    I feel the beat brake but choose to slide instead
    Into the intersection.
    Intersecting with you if only for a while would stencils smiles for miles in my eternity
    Donít play with fire they say ď you might get burnedĒ But a little heat is all that I yearn for in this Michigan winter.
    Reiterated thoughts of you splinter my mind.
    So tell me
    will you rhyme with me;
    expose prose to adipose tissue until the explodes and catches fire;
    a burning pyre,
    set ablaze by the friction of Nonfictional love?
    A hand in a glove, can I slide inside you; see the obscene yet serene solstice of your soul?
    Celestial daughter will you flow like water with me
    Or brush me off onto the floor like coke thatís been cut so many times that the only thing itís good for is brushing your teeth and then spiting into the sink?
    Think about it; I have been for almost two years.

    Submitted on 2005-03-08 08:35:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I see why you say it's one of your strongest... the ache in my heart is exposed with this.

    Giraffing your neck every time that I enter your sight line...

    Even if there's no future, this sutra might be all that matters...

    But a little heat is all I yearn for...


    I couldn't critique that if I tried the content got me all caught up! I love this!
    | Posted on 2006-10-09 00:00:00 | by kiddo13 | [ Reply to This ]
      Jesus ur CLOSE...close to some god-like thing that stirs me and makes me praise life, if i never meet a man like u its gonna be too late!

    (I don't blaspheme)
    You get the jest;
    your fists list longing in perfect dialect;THIS IS Even if thereís no future, this sutra might be all that matters.

    EVEN If you catch my drift, will u remember the intensity of your musings.I feel you.Blessxxxx
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by weepingwillow | [ Reply to This ]
      Whoa, there is a lot of material to deal with there. I'll start with the end and back up.
    I like how you got your title, cut so many times, brush your teeth and spit it down the sink.
    What about incorporating a second level of meaning, and you've been cut so many times you bleed down that sink. Evidence of gingivitis and the gloom of loneliness inside us.
    Or something else in or from that vein.
    Take care brother.
    | Posted on 2005-04-02 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this Dave, I would pick up some lines that I feel are best, but every one is best. Wow. This woman is all of it to you, and you would even risk your heart on a brief encounter if you could. That's so sweet, I can't imagine she wouldn't be crazy about you if she had the chance to be with you. The write is the most packed and yet so coherent I've seen from you in a long time. It's a fave, not returning this, I just am overwhelmed. Sweet Dave, allow her the splendor of your presence, you're taken by her, it's so obvious. This one is truly inspired. Good luck!
    love and peace,

    | Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      And as fickle letters of fate fall
    to the floor,
    spill splendidly towards
    the door
    chime the time
    and temps of
    this clime,
    I hear you bro.
    Long time,
    | Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      I should know better than to come to your page when I'm pressed for time. To conserve I will save the raving for another time and cut to the things that tripped me.

    Unless it has a significance I'm not seeing, I'm guessing that Swirling was meant to be the start of a line and thus the capitalization.

    pass time I think would be better as pastime

    Pillows tossed on to the floor could be onto to avoid some confusion

    You get the jest I think could be gist...not sure if it's what you meant, but it would play better off fists in the next line without losing meaning

    Alas in those eye; those thighs > I think eye should be eyes

    would stencils smiles for miles > It seems stencils should be singular

    expose prose to adipose tissue until the explodes and catches fire > the should be replaced with something...not sure what...it?

    I understand that for you it is more important how it sounds than how it looks, since your biggest audience will likely never see it. So, of course, you can easily disregard all of this and still get a great reaction out of this I'm sure.

    You are a master at the internal rhyme...assonance is your middle name. You're a genius at what you do, and this proves it.

    The last line threw me a bit. Are you saying you've been frozen in this moment for two years, or that you've been thinking about this moment (from the past) for two years, in other words, missing it?

    I'd love to hear from you on this.

    Sorry about the imbalance in time and space devoted to pointing out possible typos and that spent on lauding your work. But truly, for me to point out all I like about this piece would take far too long and be of little good to you.

    Been too long bro. Let me know if you've performed this piece yet and what reaction you got if you did.

    | Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]

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