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Author: Rubi_Roja
ASL Info:    20/F/
Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 185 /164 /29
Words: 173
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1084
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1096


Some things I think sound better when simplified...
Tell me your opinions, maybe you think otherwise
and for all of you who commented on this piece before I edited it...
it was my EYES... not I LOL..silly me


Carefully, I pick up the fragments of myself,
Falling in love is easy,
Falling out of love has stretched me thin,
My hands they ache from not touching you,
My feet are confused of which direction to go,
My smile is weak from trying to cover up this unhappiness,
You’ll never see me fall apart.

Carefully, I pick up the fragments of our relationship,
Forgetting the bad times is easy,
Forgetting the good times is impossible,
My days without you are so filled with darkness,
My body is left cold from only wanting you,
My voice is tired from repeating the words I am fine,
You’ll never see me crumble,

Carefully, I pick up the fragments of a broken friendship,
Dwelling on the past is easy,
Dwelling on mistakes is self consuming,
My eyes haven’t yet learned to stop crying in the night,
My lungs feel so short of air from missing you so much,
My world has slipped into the shadows without you,
You’ll never see me in pieces.

Submitted on 2005-03-08 12:12:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  I really love the meaning and the fragmented theme of your poem, there are many great lines within this poem. You can turn this from being very good to a masterpiece by not writing direct sentences, meaning this, don't start off with repetetive words. Barring that,it still so rock,because I can feel your true emotions jump off the screen.
| Posted on 2005-03-11 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
  Ooh, ooh, there's a 12 item guide below to critique... lemme see:

1. Okay

2. Umm... okay

3. Sad. More? Okay. I could feel the pain and the sense of loss. I went through this when my marriage broke up, and I thought that lines like "My smile is weak from trying to cover up this unhappiness" were brilliant descriptions of what is really going on.

4. Umm... because it was well written and evoked my memory of the events I describe above? I'm not enjoying this guide so far...

5. Oh, I covered that in 3... but another part is: "My voice is tired from repeating the words I am fine," what a great line... how true, how true

6. The only distraction I found was "My haven’t " in the last stanza... I think it should be "I haven't"

7. Nothing. The clarity of this poem is unblurred. :)

Yeah, okay, this is just annoying and long winded. I've grown tired of these silly questions... ES, Your questions have sickened me... Bring me the bucket.

Okay, foolishness aside (finally), I really enjoyed this piece... it resonated with me hardcore.
| Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]
  this is very pretty yet very sad... i know that longing all to well. its very hard missing someone you where in love with. i love the way you wrote this poem also, just the way every sentence starts the same in each stanza. beautiful work it realy is. fall apart, crumble, pieces. realy this work is awesome. take care and rock on =P
| Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by snacky fish | [ Reply to This ]
  this was a great piece the images leave you standing alone when i read it very nice well spoken Thanx for previous comments on my posts
| Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
  "My body is left cold from only wanting you,"
this line feels awkward on the toungue..perhaps try "wanting only you"
The opening could also be a bit stronger> You start with fragments and then change the image to a thin completeness two lines down. Perhaps work with the imagery in line 3 and make it dovetail into the rest a bit more smoothly.
| Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
  I like your format i think it was well done. I think many people could understand this well, i belive many have gone through what you have written. But on the last stanza, 4th line, should that be I?

My haven’t yet learned to stop crying in the night,

Otherwise this is a great read and you're right some things are better left simple...
| Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by Jakirina | [ Reply to This ]

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