Description: Thinking or lengthening this...any suggestions. I know this needs a good edit but not really sure which way to go with it. Is the alliteration annoying or does it add to the hypnotic rythm?
Silently I sit,
Rocked by the rapturous rhythms
Wrought by ocean waves
Considering the calculations
Of politically minded people
Whose anxious ambitions
Stamp striations through the
Pleasant patterns of life.
Soothing sunlight smoothes the worry
Perversely pilfering the heat
from the sanctimonious subject.
Its rays rendering a contentment
Universally usurping all unpleasantness
Until I wander through another wrinkle
Of thoughtless thoughts.
Here I silently sit
Contemplating the continuity of the waves
Waxing over whatever snippet washes
through a meandering mind--
My miniscule offering
To the obliquity of oblivion that is the ocean.
Second verse: I envy you your ability to feel nonchalant about it all. The "perversely pilfering" (I loved that) surreptitiousness of a little bit of sunshine. Leaving you free to enjoy the meandering obliquities of mind.
Third verse: For real, the totally tangential "oblivion that is the ocean." can definitely make one feel as a mere snippet.
I disagree with Soloman Disease...This is poem about thinking... about thoughts swirling around in your head...the message is clear for all to read... your 'colourful' sentences work well... in describing the ever changing thoughts in the human brain... It is an original piece... I can't really find anything wrong with it...but I wouldn't make it longer...I think three stanza's work well. Rubi
This piece reminds me of Transcendental Meditation, which is where you focus on something that has no meaning to you, say a word in a foreign language, and therefore, since you don't know what the word means, the thoughts sort of slip through your mind and you think of essentially nothing...it works somehow. Anyways this poem reminds me of that, because you gave me the idea that you were sort of thinking of everything and nothing in particular...well I rambled. peace.
ridiculous. that's the word that comes to mind. you don't even know what you're saying. you're so wrapped up in making every sentence colorful that you forgot about what you were trying to say. just ridiculously inane.