Stuck by Deadly Sauce

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Submission Name: Stuck dots

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Author:	Deadly Sauce
ASL Info:	18--lady--NY
Elite Ratio:	2.69 - 59/77/31
Words:	74

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	348
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	499

Description:
I tried my hand at a similar meter to that of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven." Each line has 8 syllables, and keeps a fairly consistant rhythm...as well as an ABAB CDCD etc, rhyming scheme. Let me know whatcha think!

Stuck

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Stand between pistol and bullseye
Immobile flesh too scared to move
Pain grows, starts to intensify
Why remain? What is there to prove?
On my feet I stand, unnerving
Awaiting fate’s most cruel hand,
Mind is racing, thoughts are swerving
The plans unfolding must be grand.
For long they take, slow-motion death
Ache of demise develops fast
I cringe, I fall, take my last breath
Doom falls, and life is gone at last.

Submitted on 2005-03-08 16:28:33 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I like this peice, it's very good in the context of how you where trying to write. It takes an emense amount of talent to stick to such strict guidlines and still do a great job. My only Critique is that "bullseye" is two seprate words. but it is still very good...
| Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Darkest Flaw | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this peice, it's very good in the context of how you where trying to write. It takes an emense amount of talent to stick to such strict guidlines and still do a great job. My only Critique is that "bullseye" is two seprate words. but it is still very good...
| Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Darkest Flaw | [ Reply to This ]
  this is pretty neat. I don't really care for 'death' poems, but I guess that's the rage. the only thing I think I would change is your use of fall twice. the poem flows really well and the images are good too. keep up the great work!
| Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  I like it..I think the whole 8 syllable thing is pretty cool. I like the rhyming..it didn't really stand out. I liked that. I didn't see any typos and you kept it interesting. The only thing about it is...well I'm not sure what it is..but it didn't really grab me..suck me in and really grab my attention. other than that it was good. I don't think there is any thing that you can do to it...maybe it's not the poem and it's just me...I'll come back and read it agian when I am less tired. But I think you did a good job..I know it would take me forever and a day to get all the lines to have the same amount of syllables and make it rhyme!
| Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by MyKemicalfailur | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this poem but I feel it needs just a little bit of work. When it starts off you get the feeling you writing about someone who's drunk, intoxicated or high. Then it gets to the end and it all makes more sence. I still enjoyed this poem it just needs...something.
| Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by Bronzebird19 | [ Reply to This ]

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