Raining and warm by Josh

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Submission Name: Raining and warm dots

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Author:	Josh
ASL Info:	17/nh
Elite Ratio:	5.61 - 276/226/30
Words:	260

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	373
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1691

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Raining and warm dots

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Pretty little thing you are
hot coffee stains on my shirt and your
sunny day weather report smile,
still lay and wonder
boring and wanton
killing time, and wasting good looks
take a shortcut through the woods, while most
take the road less traveled-
wishing for another day to open up and explore.
now i suppose, its raining and warm, what better night and light to be.
Wow, its been some time eh?
You'd say tomato, but I'd say tomorrow
Cold ice cream on my palate, and my chest congested from a slight cold.
Disillusionment is more beautiful as the grass gets greener
wild eyes and peering minds,
almost as the first time.

But we have a bit of a history don't we?
The beach over the hill, you can see the fence on the dunes
The cold salty air blows your long blonde hair
right into your face.
Its more beautifully written then any could capture
but still it wouldn't make a single difference
as beauty always comes in small doses.
Listening always overcomes talking, and soon I'm basking in your personality.
Its smart without the feeling of snotness, and it's energetic without tethers.
Its new and historic
Small plastic spoons, and cold ice cream
What a week is what I'd say
seashells and windy laughs
I'm tired but content,
much like sleeping on a day when you can't afford to, waking to the bright afternoon sun peeping through the shades.
So tonight I sleep well
Content with a momentary brain freeze.

Submitted on 2005-03-08 18:40:13 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I thought this was a very good poem but that it might need some tweaking. first of all, what's the focus? the weather girl? you having a history with her or someone else? or just your thoughts while you were watching tv? I was a little confused. but the writing I liked. except for snotness which should be snottiness and 'what better night and light to be' made no sense to me. I think if you focus on something specific like the 'raining and warm' and then try to relate it to your myriad thoughts somehow and come up with an ending to tie it all together, you will have one hell of a poem here. as it stands, I'm seeing you sitting on the couch in your bvd's eating ice cream with a plastic spoon watching the weather and fantasizing about the weather girl. which might have been your intent, but I think you can turn this piece of writing into an even more pleasant experience. oh-and please don't be offended by my opinions. although I am learning to be a writer, I don't know it all.
| Posted on 2005-05-15 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  Its about time we heard from you. I love it when it rains, I can explain it, but I awlays feel content yet a little excited. I really liked this, your wording is beautiful. you know what...thats it. I am adding it to my favorites.
my favorite parts were the quick little things that added but sounded like they were just thrown in for fun, like...
content with a momentary brain freeze.
write soon,
Kacey
| Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Lachesis | [ Reply to This ]
  the line: "still lay and wonder" confuses me. i'm not sure what is laying and why. perhaps clarify or delete altogether?

after that line it opens up and becomes one of those sing-song conversations you have at someone rather than with them, as they cannot get a word in edgewise for fear of stopping the music, interrupting that something more that's between words and lyrics, as they are different creatures of a different spot. there's so much here that tastes beautiful, that smells like the dear familiar, that i fall backward onto with blind faith, knowing the feeling of the feather down quilt that will catch me. lovely. thanks for sharing. =]

~Blue
| Posted on 2005-03-28 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
  A very warm sounding poem. I enjoyed it quite a bit, needless to say you have a great deal of talent. It was actually your poetry that got me to write a few more free verse poetry.

"Its more beautifully written then any could capture
but still it wouldn't make a single difference
as beauty always comes in small doses"

< My personal favorite part of the poem. It speaks truth and just...well, you wrote it, you would be able to describe it better than I. Anyways, loved it, like everthing else you've written.
| Posted on 2005-03-24 00:00:00 | by impassive sky | [ Reply to This ]
  totally took your advice and revised it. figured id post it here so people knew i revised it too. And the little thingy at the bottom wont let me post this comment unless i add a lot more words so thats what im doing, wasting away the english language to fill up a spot on my own poem.
| Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Josh | [ Reply to This ]
  I’ve always thought that stream of consciousness writing goes wonderfully with the poetic form, and I feel like writing a long critique (c’est à dire: I’m procrastinating), so here we go...

<Pretty little thing you are> I love the way this starts out. It drew me right in.

<hot coffee stains on my shirt and your
sunny day weather report smile,
still lay and wonder
boring and wanton
killing time, and wasting good looks> This could have run like a shopping list but it doesn’t, because you juxtaposed images that create a vivid image in my mind, at least.

<take a shortcut through the woods, while most
take the road less traveled-> Nice allusion, especially since you twisted it around for your own purposes.

<wishing for another day to open up and explore.> I think the lines that precede this have so much impact, that this line deducts from them. Personal opinion, of course.

<But for now i suppose, its raining and warm, what better night and light to be.> I would reword this line, maybe as “Now, it’s raining and warm/what a better night and light to be” and perhaps have it in its own stanza.

<Wow, its been some time eh?
You'd say tomato, but I'd say tomorrow> Interesting. Not sure I understand it, but I can see you’ve twisted the cliché much like you used the allusion.

<Cold ice cream on my palate, and my chest congested from a slight cold.> I think the “cold” seems redundant here. Ice cream is usually cold while it’s still ice cream, isn’t it? I mean, once it’s warm, it’s sugared milk.

<Disillusionment is more beautiful as the grass gets greener
wild eyes and peering minds,
almost as the first time.> I like; nice way to end the stanza.

<But we have a bit of a history don't we?
The beach over the hill, you can see the fence on the dunes
The cold salty air blows your long blonde hair
right into your face.> I like the use of a question, which you answer just by the imagery you use in the poem. I’m not sure I like the last line in this selection, it contrasts too much with the flowing imagery before it.

<Its more beautifully written then any could capture> Than any what could capture?

<but still, it wouldn't make a single difference.> Superfluous, I think.

<Beauty always comes in small doses> Interesting.

<if you really think about it.> The reader will think about it. Not sure if you need to *tell* the reader to think about it.

<Listening always overcomes talking, and soon I'm basking in your personality.> I think conversation is the most important part of a relationship, don’t you?

<Its smart without the feeling of snotness, and it's energetic without tethers.> Don’t like the first part, like the second part. Maybe the words “smart” and “snootiness” need to be altered, so that you can retain the parallel structure (which I like, by the way).

<Its new and historic
Small plastic spoons, and cold ice cream> I like that you continued the ice cream motif. See, here I don’t think it’s redundant because you don’t use “cold” twice in one line...

<What a week is what I'd say
seashells and windy laughs
I'm tired but content,
much like sleeping on a day when you can't afford to, waking to the bright afternoon sun peeping through the shades.> I’d break the line after “afford to,”.
<So tonight I sleep well, and from here on out i suppose. I'll be back I know, but for now im content with a momentary brain freeze.> I think you could make this thought more concise. Perhaps, “So tonight I sleep well/content with a momentary brain freeze.”

Overall, I read it three times, which means I liked it enough to read it three times. I think I like this the most of your poems (that I’ve read so far).

*amrita*
| Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by creativeentity | [ Reply to This ]
  I love spontaneous comments! and needless to say I loved this as well! Great thoughts put onto paper/the screen. Im glad that you are able to put your thoughts onto paper and make it flow like you made this flow. Wow! sounds like this was one of the highllights of your life. Well to be balanced, I have to say some negative things as well. Some words seem out of place like the icescream on your pallate, that is good and imaginative but even though most people know what a pallate is, some people will find it bizarre. You say tomatö I say tommorow, also seems kind of out of place. I know this is spontaneous but if you want to make it better, look over it and try to make the sentences more cohesive with each other. Or you could just start a new stanza every single time there is a new thought, or you could reduce the amounts of fresh new ideas and stick to some of the same things. I enjoyed that piece and I hope that you continue in this positive way!
Peace,
J.C. Prescott
| Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by jcpdandalice | [ Reply to This ]
  ..now THAT was interesting... It totally reminded me of the movie
Eternal Sunshine Of a Spotless Mind... Of course i could have gotton that title COMPLETLY wrong... It would just figure hehe.
If you haven't seen it. You should check it out. Pretty nifty.

It sounds more like you're just stating facts than actually writting a poem...
Maybe a sonnet? Edgar Allen Poe did several. Ones about science and such.

So i'm not exactly sure what it is you'er going for. But overal the view was really good. At times hard to follow, and others sounded like a rant of some sort.

But its different so snaps for you dude!
| Posted on 2005-03-08 00:00:00 | by Twilight_Dreame | [ Reply to This ]

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