Description: Another love poem of sorts. Although this one is not particularly happy. More along the lines of memories of better times. When you read it, please keep in mind that it starts in her memories, and then jumps forward in time to the present tense. Also, at the end she is seeing one thing, and everyone else is see just normality.
Dancing in the Rain -------------------------------------------
She remembers
She remembers sitting below the stars
The time she had spent with him
Kissing
Stargazing
It was all the same.
When the night was never-ending
And the hours could blur together
With them regaining consciousness
As dawn swept over them
Together they’d watch the sunrise
She remembers the rainfall
She’d been so depressed that night
Since she couldn’t go out into the darkness
Just to be with him
But he had come up with a solution:
Together they had gone outside
Despite the rain
Together they had sung and danced
The entire night
As if they hadn’t had a care
She leans up against the windowsill
Wishing he were here with her
So she wouldn’t feel so dead in her heart
The time passes
And the pitter patter is soothing
Calming her to the point where her pain
Has subsided to a dull ache
His decisiveness
That was the one thing that she loved the most about him
She can’t take the pain any longer.
She walks outside
Lying on her back
In the center of the road
Not caring whether or not any cars came through.
To her, there was no pain besides her own
No one else suffering besides her
To her, the cars could only help, not harm
And she looks up at the clouds covering the moon
Remembering their last time
They had been cuddling
Her head on his shoulder
And he had been whispering in her ear
Sweet little nothings
Not important to anyone but her
And perhaps him
She had looked up at the moon and sighed
Thinking of the perfection of the moment
Never once thinking that he might soon be gone
Still the rain continues to pour down on her
She feels sticky, as though she had spilled juice
And looks up at the rain
Choking as she realizes it’s red
Unnaturally red
Blood red
Her clothes have been stained
And the puddles are bloody
Too much like a murder
Except everyone around her is alive
Right?
Her neighbor’s car’s windshield wipers are going full blast
Trying to remove the blood from his car
So that he can leave
Calmly she watches the horrors around her evolve
Until she feels as though she is growing faint
She looks down
And discovers a gaping wound
Too dizzy to sit up
Too dizzy to think
Too dizzy to care
She blacks out
Another neighbor calmly starts his car
Turns on his windshield wipers so that he can see past the rain
And leaves for work
Oh my god! This is so sad yet I could feel the pain the writer was experiencing.
And she looks up at the clouds covering the moon Remembering their last time
They had been cuddling Her head on his shoulder And he had been whispering in her ear Sweet little nothings Not important to anyone but her And perhaps him She had looked up at the moon and sighed Thinking of the perfection of the moment Never once thinking that he might soon be gone
Still the rain continues to pour down on her She feels sticky, as though she had spilled juice And looks up at the rain Choking as she realizes it’s red Unnaturally red Blood red
That stanza is so cold lil mama. Man you are one hell of a writer. The metaphor in these stanza's. You need to persue a freelance writing career. I suggest you join the writer's digest book club and also subscribe to writer's digest. They can help you improve on the things I can't see.
Calmly she watches the horrors around her evolve Until she feels as though she is growing faint She looks down And discovers a gaping wound Too dizzy to sit up Too dizzy to think Too dizzy to care She blacks out
I am in love with this stanza. Zylli! If somewhere in your life you feel like your writing is not contest material I beg you to proofread it over and over again. Sit yourself into it as a reader as you do when you write.
oh my this is eerie and very sad. i dont know but i think she might have mortally wounded herself "the gaping wound" and "the raining blood" and he is going about his life while she blacks out and most likely will die. i guess it could be something else. but this is a great write nonetheless and still awfully sad.
well I found this grotesquely comic, rather than tragic
*evil grin* does that make me sadistic?
Anyway, I think it's hard to take it seriously. I don't know if you intended it to be taken seriously. If so, it doesn't really work, for me... firstly the way you describe love is ok, but it's a parade of clichés (stargazing, sweet little nothings, the moon etc.); if you want to really get people to engage with the poem you've got to capture love in a way that really fits what you're getting at but also surprises people a little; because this girl's feelings are expressed in a fairly run-of-the-mill way, her suicide comes off as fairly run-of-the-mill teenage angst and not the shocking, gut-wrenching tragedy of a heartbroken girl's death, you see what I mean?
But I do think, as black humour, it works very well... I like the twist of the neighbour setting off for work at the end. Take care
there's a good sense of unity in this poem without sounding overtly repetitive. theres a sense of flitting in and out of reality here which i appreciated. it recalls the heady thrill of love rising from the dissipated fumes of lust once the energy has burnt out. the only thing is...the reminiscing is all good and fine but i think you could've built up the character's morose frame of mind earlier in the poem. its suddenly sprung upon us in the third stanza. there could be more of a sense of sad nostalgia in the first couple of stanzas. i love the bitter sweet irony you inject into the poem with His decisiveness
That was the one thing that she loved the most about him
as a passing thought before she goes out into the night and meets her death. again, i would've liked for the reader to have had a suggestion of that earlier in the poem to make it more real. the ending was startling though, and sudden. it forces you to contemplate the selfishness of one's actions, from the girl that decides to take her life not caring about anything but the need to cease the turmoil she feels, to the neighbour whose life goes on whilst another extinguishes. nicely done. you have the outline of an interesting story here.
If you didnt explain the past and present thing in the description this poem could have been very etchy. I would suggest maybe adding just a little break between the stanzas that change, or a few more lines so a reader would be able to understand that the story is no taking place in the future. Thatst just an idea to get everything organized correctly.
For the poem itself everything was quite nice. Sad and simple story, but everything made sense. The words were simple and the story was easily seen in my head, but did she die in the end? Was she hit by a car by laying in the middle of the road by a neighbor? Thats what i saw by it anyways, and that was a little extreme laying in the middle of the road. Ha unless of course the middle of the road symblozied something. Eh i just keep ranting, you did a swell job :) Have a good one
I understand the message; maybe not as sure as far a metaphors are conerned. The ideas in the piece made me want to wade in rippling thought wrought from your key-boarding house. anyway i'm more intrested in word play fluidity and lines littered with aliteration. I'd did find something of interest in this though, the er as in perfect is carried for a few lines and I enjoyed that i thought it made it more musical; made the piece flow better. I also appreciated the three different o sounds in this line"Never once thinking that he might soon be gone" i think this is salvagable, but I feel it needs work. Good idea. peace
Submission Name: Dancing in the Rain
