Carbon Copy by Kalidoscopeeyes

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Submission Name: Carbon Copy dots

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Author:	Kalidoscopeeyes
ASL Info:	18/f
Elite Ratio:	3.64 - 122/151/29
Words:	88

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	283
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	613

Description:
This is to my mom's best friend, whom I think is my twin just thirty years older.

I don't know if I like it. I might end up changing it and the punctuation needs some work. This is just a very rough copy.

Carbon Copy dots

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Twins separated somewhere in the stars,
One on a thirty-year delay,
The other so willing to help her get there.
With words. stories. trips. laughs. memories.
Connection.
Whether it's rummaging through books to find a treasure
Or visiting the ghost towns of Pennsylvania,
Chinese eyes meet ocean blue,
Curiousity meets discovery,
A surreal moment in time is born,
The Pooh-and-Piglet system goes on.

Camaraderie knows no age.
You're not just another "Miss" to me;
You are my carbon copy.

Submitted on 2005-03-09 11:34:04 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  what was it about again? i forgot? . . . . i'm trying to remember, wait it is coming to me . . . . nope. sorry, i lost my attention.
| Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought this was written really well for a first draft. Seems as though you two have definately bonded. I'm sure you've noticed a lot of writers use no punctuation whatsoever.
I think it's important if you want the next word to really stand out. So it's pretty much personal preference. I liked the theme of this
poem. You actually could emiminate the word "with" in the fourth line, it would kind of accentuate the list. If you do that, use a semi-colon after the last word in the third line.
Read it aloud to yourself, that should help you decide where you need the punctuation.
Good job though, keep it up.,
Carol
| Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought this was wonderful!

Not only was it original but I loved the way you presented it. Yes there are some flops in puncuation but you already knew that.

I would take all the periods out of the 4th line and try commas instead.

It's clear to see how much you admire this woman and it's touching to know that she takes the time to connect with her thirty year delayed twin. ;)

be blessed
BD
| Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]

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