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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Chapter 1dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 338
    Class/Type: Story/Being a Teen
    Total Views: 799
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1774



    Description:
       I am experimenting with myself...comments not necessary but if you want you can let me know what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChapter 1dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Through metal bars,two thick pieces of glass and a wire cover I can see a distorted version of the outside world.
    I spent alot of time looking through the window in my room. I had to stand on my bed and strain my kneck to get to it.And even then al I could see were blurry objects. A blurr of blue, the sky, a blurr of green trees I suppose and sometimes orange bits that I assume were people.If I saw my world in distortion it was because of those windows.
    They made me reverse my role, I wasn't in a ward I was in the real world. Inside my walls were distinct shapes and detailed images. On the outside existed blurry people, blurry and unsure of themsleves, a complete parallel universe. We existed at the same time but in different realities. I thought I had the better end, or rather I convinced myself of this after a while. I was in denial and I am partially now. Was I ever really sick? I was sent there from drug abuse and a few scratches on my arm. My parents didn't have the time or the experience to take care of me...I was different, they couldn't understand how I could be unhappy with all their stupid money. But they wouldn't listen either. So at sixteen I was admitted to an insane institute and I was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder and I was fed pills( that I rarely took ) to keep me under control.
    My doctor said that I was uncooperative, and that I was forming a crush on him so I had to change doctors. My crush was on his son Adam, and when I began asking very personal questions about my doctor he did what he could to get rid of me. My crush was interferring with my recovery. My recovery they called it because they thought I was sick. But like I said...they were the blurry people.




    Submitted on 2005-03-09 14:01:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      you seem to have a pretty clear command over your style of writting. The whole paralles between you and the "blurry people" and how you had to reverse roles regarding the "Real world' and the "outside world" is very original and well thought out. THe whole idea of some rich white girl doing drugs and cutting herself and the parents who just dont seem to "get" their "different" little daughter seems kinda weak to me. Like you could have tried harder. But i guess being me, i just can't realte to that kinda, i guess you call it, teen angest, stuff. I feel like a less clichéd and more mature concept would work well for you because your style of writing seems to be on a higher level than your subject matter. It's like the plot doesn't deserve the narrorator's time. Then the whole crush on the "stupid ole" doctor's son is real teeny-bopper.

    How is it that every adult in this child's world is clueless?

    Again your style in fantastic, but this whole "girl trapped in a world where no one whoe needs to be able to understand her is able to" kinda limits your target audience.

    Nonetheless, i look forward to reading chapter two.

    I hope you realize that this is more good comment than bad. Because again, your style is on point.
    | Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by spoken | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW! DiD YOU JUST WRITE THIS? I can tell you right now that I can't wait to read chapter 2...This is really good...You''l go far with this..I can tell you write now!
    | Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by Thinkingofyou | [ Reply to This ]


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