I wouldn.t change the style, what the reader needs to do is read it aloud, slowly, real slowly. It's great!
Stanza 1 is good, a poignant comment on the world's devotion to self (vanity)
Stanza 2. "We are silhouettes on dust" what a fabulous image! Beautiful line! I'm interpreting the "Jargon of Night" to be the doom and gloom and negative everything that seems to pervade the populace nowadays.
Stanza 3. A poke at the promiscuity that is prevalent today, well put!
Stanza 4. The Revelation, or benediction, to absolve everyone. I'd lose the second lot of "we are" not necessary, and interrupts the easy flow by making the line too long. Nice finish.
Overall, very, very good, but I think most people on this site have no interest in commenting on anything religious. I give it five stars. Be happy, Graeme
I truly feel that the subject matter is originally expressed, and paints a picture of humankind that i think is at times controversial. I normally enjoy classic four line stanzas, but quite honestly I feel that this particular poem could blossom out of it's pretty little bud if you were inclined to attempt a re-write with a more freestyle format. I guess I just sensed some of the words might have been forced. Overall, i really enjoyed your poem, and I hope that you keep writing, because you definitely have talent. God bless!