Paradise Found by spoken

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Submission Name: Paradise Found dots

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Author:	spoken
ASL Info:	24/m/Atl
Elite Ratio:	5.4 - 153/192/54
Words:	255

Class/Type:	Story/Love
Total Views:	325
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1498

Description:
Work of fiction. Just trying my hand at something new. Wish i was better at naming my works.

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Paradise Found dots

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He was up before the sun that morning.
Hands clasped behind his head, staring up into the darkness of an unlit room.

Listening to the sound of a shower running in the adjacent bathroom; and to the music of early birds nesting just outside the window.

As he listened, as he lay there, he was reliving last night in his mind.
The taste of sweat.
Pounding hearts, swelling lungs, enveloping heat.
Curious hands exploring welcoming flesh.
Never before had their passion been so intense. Not in the year that they had been together.
It was like they had given themselves to one another for the first time, all over again.
It was even better than that.
Heaven, he was certain, could not be more perfect than his life was right now.
All but one thing…

The sound of the running shower ceased. Moments later his lover, towel wrapped around his waist, hair still dripping wet: “Good morning, boo. You slept like a baby last night."

He responded, “I think it’s time.”

“Time for what?”

He sat himself up, removing the blanket from his undressed body, than sat on the edge of the bed.

With outstretched arms he called his lover towards him, held his body close to his face, kissed him on the stomach.

Then, looking up into his eyes, he let out a long, heavy sigh: “It’s time to tell my father the truth.”

Submitted on 2005-03-09 17:02:19 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||

Now isn't that a fun little piece.
These last three posts of yours hold a very distinct style. They are incredibly short but convey power and state clearly a message.
Now, what made this writing so good is the way you give us the setting. You give everything to us one step at a time and there are no unecessary details. You don't lead us through the story by the hand but let us wander through it on our own. And then we stumble upon the end and...
Well, that was fantastic ending.

These past were very short, so the next step is to writew something longer, with more substance. You have the ability to create a specific mood and emotion but that becomes more difficult as soon as you develop something more specific.
If you do a longer piece you may have to alter your style a bit. The structure will have to flow a bit smoother and the images will have to come through more... lazily? Relax them a little, that's all.

Will you take the challange? I want to see what sort of characters you will develop and what new scenes you can give us. A longer work will allow you to be more personal, but the real trick is to stay disconnected.

As far as this writing goes, your language was very simple but poetic. The sentences focus on one description at a time, which makes it easy reading. Mistakes are not obvious and there is nothing to distract from the point. It was solid.

And don't worry much on the name. Not yet, at least.
| Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Eggman | [ Reply to This ]
  hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaaha- I didnt see that coming. Now thats the kind of originality I trry to mimic. Originality and the use of less used topics is the key to this. Anyway I think you misspelled "flesh" in the 3rd stanza, other than that I really dug it, it was done "most excelent " with the descriptions of the rooms /coming out of the shower/window all of it . I definatly did not have any oproblem with painting a picture in my head. You are a "most excelent artist" Thanks for the good one ~L.t
| Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
  The concept of paradise being found in true love and total committment is a good one. Ironically, in this story, there is a switch at the end where this newfound joy may potentially be wounded by the sharp disapproval of a beloved father.

As the author admits, "Paradise Found" may therefore be a poor title in such a light. Perhaps a better title would be in the vein of, "On the Borders of Paradise" or, maybe better, "Within a Passion's Reach".

Similarly, I dislike the use of the word, "love" in the following sentence:
"Never before had their love been so intense."

I think that "passion" would fit better since this particular love seems to be in the context of physical love, not a deeper poetic kind.

I should say though this line comes right after a particular well-worded sentence:
"Pounding hearts, swelling lungs, enveloping heat.
Curious hands exploring welcoming fleash."
Looks like something from a novel. Well done. However, I'm sure you would rewrite the word "fleash" as "flesh"...

My challenge to you is this though: can you go beyond the theme of paradise being found in the "I love you" committment--a thought which can be so easily be vain and over-used. Given, it carries a bit more weight in this case because it precedes the telling of "my father the truth", so it's not a completely naive "I love you", for it may soon earn a sound rejection; however, so it is with many other lovers in different socially controversial situations that still have no more an obvious committment other than physical passions followed by a verbal "I love you".

If there is real passion in this story beyond something grossly physical, that should be conveyed, otherwise it's just the stuff of pop-culture with a homosexual bent to it.

Thanks for submitting! Paints the picture quite deftly and eloquently. Good writing.
| Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by sammysheep | [ Reply to This ]
  Just wondering, have you ever read the poem "Paradise Lost"? Its a fairly old poem, or something, but its really good, I was expecting this to somewhat parrallel Paradise Lost. Oh well... It was alright, but no Paradise lost :(.
| Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by DuxRox911 | [ Reply to This ]

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