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    dots Submission Name: Mercy's Gatedots

    Author: Crutch
    ASL Info:    65/M/Ar.
    Elite Ratio:    7.58 - 44/27/12
    Words: 159
    Class/Type: Poetry/Religious
    Total Views: 1250
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1040


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMercy's Gatedots

    Fates lost children by the side of the road,
    Blind leading blind with their heavy load;
    Hopeless captives bound to the trace,
    Love's lost fatalities of disgrace.

    Here beside this dividing wood I stand,
    A weight of words at my command;
    When witness is called, I'm ready to start,
    From Duty's firm conviction of heart.

    No dust-covered finger to enlighten the mind
    Of youngest and oldest to the most sublime;
    Stones of controversy, contention and conceit
    By Self, stockpiled all around my feet.

    Here beneath this killing tree I stand
    A transfixed gaze on a bleeding man;
    When blame starts to form, I'll join right in
    By Adam's selfish nature of sin.

    Fanatics and strawmen telling tales of fishes
    Line one path with crosses and falsified wishes;
    But the true path is marked by a faithful line;
    And through Mercy's gate morning does shine.

    Submitted on 2005-03-09 21:20:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      L1: Should be Fate’s, n’est pas? L4: I think the meter might be improved with: “Love’s fatalities lost in disgrace”. Or does this change your meaning too far? Let me know. L10: “of youngest, oldest, lofty and low”. Yes...I know it doesn’t rhyme with “mind”, but neither does “sublime” actually. Perhaps changing the latter word is called for.
    I found your meaning fairly easy to understand. Your efforts to rhyme and hold to a rhythm aren’t entirely successful, although I certainly give you kudos for the effort - better than so much of the rambling I read on this site. I’m not sure of your process, but I suspect you’re putting the rhyme first, and the message 2nd. In any case, not a bad write at all, but needs polishing into a voice a bit more natural-sounding.
    | Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with any point of view, I just read those possible interpretations into it and would have liked a little more finality to this... like knowing what you wrote it for (it comes across as if you just expressed a though without a purpose, but that could just be the way I saw it). Alright, evangelistic pieces are a sales job, Features? Advantages? Benefits? Get the prospect to comment and commit! So is it? Self contemplation is fine, but not something that invites others in and is often best stored in that bottom drawer and drooled over when we get old. Are you having a look at your navel and wondering where the fluff came from? Could be, but I doubt this would have been your intent. A counter statement would state an opposing view, sketch an alternate possibility and provoke thought, though not necessarily committed to the view expressed. If so, it lacks sufficient substance to identify what it is compared against. does that make clear what I was thinking when commenting? You needn't agree though, the piece deserves more comment to see where others though the same or differently...and deserves it too. Forced rhyme? Here's what I mean actually:

    "But the true path is marked by a faithful line;
    And through Mercy's gate morning does shine. "

    People don't talk that way, you changed word order to suit the rhyme scheme, and you can do better than that. Oh, and the Latin is legalese (sorry about that, I always forget that others do not necessarily share frames of reference) for listening to both parties in a dispute, it is a principle of legal fairness.

    Second last stanza, this is confusing (the first two lines are good because of visual content):

    "When blame starts to form, I'll join right in
    By Adam's selfish nature of sin."

    How does this fit? It seems somehow to tag with:

    "Stones of controversy, contention and conceit
    By Self, stockpiled all around my feet."

    which is also misplaced. Maybe I'm just being difficult though. I've written worse (much, though I dare not admit that too openly, heh, heh!)
    | Posted on 2005-03-11 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      What exactly is the point of view of your speaker? If this is evangelistic, then make the point and close the sale. If it is self-contemplative, stick it in your navel and smoke it. If it is a counter statement, the principle of "audi in alteram partem" should apply, so state the case more clearly. as far as the composition is concerned, the rhyme is mostly good, but comes across slightly forced on occasion (I don't need to tell you where, you'll know because you bent the words to fit there - maybe this is what detracted from the clarity). There is one thing the eastern religions have that I like and that is the gong. Why? Well, it never makes the crystaline sound of a bell. It reverberates with undertones, and yet there is only one overtone which is the dominant tonal quality ascribed to it. Some good images in here, I like the possibilities in the killing tree and the multiplicity of its possible applications. I think this could do with a bit of spit and polish if you're brave enough.
    | Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]

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