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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: "16"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 273
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1150
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1545



    Description:
       just some teenage memory[not angst] but simply thoughts of how much easier it was back then-no hassles or bills or obligations or anything just you and your chick and she was everything.

    *****[this is a song]******


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"16"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm sorry for coming all over your back as you slept,
    orgasms have been few and far between since you left
    let's do it
    like when we were young
    and everything was your so fine
    Just like my pretty baby
    before it got so crazy
    Squashing all my dreams
    Things were just easier when we were 16.

    Then I turned 20
    that's when you left me
    and since then the world just rejects me
    and every place i go
    no one wants to know
    me or even want to show me
    what's right
    or what it's even like
    it all seems like one big bad dream
    things are crazy when your np longer a teen

    Remember I bled all over the place
    and disgraced my face
    all over town
    everybody knew me as
    the biggest loser around
    because that's what you told them
    that you didn't want to see me again
    that you never liked me
    said you were drunk every time you fucked me

    Now I cant take it
    drunk and deflated
    I'm laying in the park
    in the dark
    where you said
    we'd never part
    I know you don't feel the same
    you cringe when you hear my name
    Our teenage lust
    soon became disgust
    It was so us
    we were so perfect in every way
    why cant you just want me
    the way you did when we were 16

    L A M E M A N S T E R M S




    Submitted on 2005-03-09 22:43:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey nice one here. You gave me a list of couple to check out so im goin through them. I like how this was written and how it flowed. It also had a good layed out story to it. It's a sad poem and I dont think it lost any power anywhere in it. I haven't experienced this exactly but I know how it sorta feels. Thought nothing waas wrong at all then all of the sudden my ex doesn't feel ready to date though we've been dating. Oh well now she's pregnant and been 5 months since we talked. But finally I found out why and after a few painkillers I got over her. good poem. -james
    | Posted on 2005-09-10 00:00:00 | by musclebound350 | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know... I hate reading other comments before I comment, because I feel like I'm responding to them, even when I'm not.

    I don't think this lost power toward the end, I feel like it was strong start to finish. Powerful and evocative... it captured the bewilderment and hurt of the brutal end of a childhood relationship perfectly. I can certainly empathize. Great stuff!
    | Posted on 2005-04-01 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]
      dude, i never knew that u had a sweet side. compare this to "rubber lover" and u'll get where i'm comming from. things really rn't that easier when u'r a teenare. i'm still one, and it seems to me that life is just as hard when u'r an adult. sure, i don't have as many bills as u to pay, but right now i have to worry about my grades for university, and how my relationships are with other people. man, it's so hard to date someone when u don't know who u r. u should remember that. i love how u tried to euphemize how fast and how much the world is changing. i was talking with my grandma last week and she brought up about how times were simpler when she was growing up. true engough, she grew up in the 20's, but that was also in the middle of the depression and the war. she talked about how when she was a kid, they were able to go out and play whenever they wanted and practically wherever. things were just so different. i almost envy her becuase because things were so simple then. the other thing that comes ti mind when i read this is how sometimes when really bad things happen, people somtimes think back to when they were younger to find solice in those simpler times. hte one thing that i do know is that this world sux. i don't even want to think about what our kids are going to have to deal with.
    ~Jess
    | Posted on 2005-03-20 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, this was quite tender for you Mike. That is a side I like to see. Even thought the first line was shocking. Gasp! I go back in my mind to the love that I had when I was 16 too. That time will always be magical, and I don't care what anyone says, there is never a comparison to the way you feel about love at that time. We haven't become bitter or jaded and anything and everything is possible. I felt this one. Mags
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      This has a very true ring to it, in that i can identify with it. Im not sure about the repetiton of '16' and you'd say 'we'd never part' rather than 'apart'. The poem itself was fairly well written in that it does give a clear picture of the nature of the relationship. I totally identify with the idea of regreting a relationship long after its over. nice
    ellisa
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by ellisa | [ Reply to This ]
      Right off the bat I have to say that although I quickly recovered and realized the "seriousness" in this song, the first two lines cracked me up.

    Okay so...well anyone who has read my "Unruly Puppet" knows that I am not completely against the use of vulgarities and curses in my writing. I think they should be well placed, if that is possible, and powerful.
    So I guess, in the face of that, I have to disagree with the others. The first time you used the "F word", I got from it a double meaning, "F*ing crazy" automatically made me think back to being 16 and how sex crazed me and all my friends were, even those of us who hadnt actually HAD sex yet. Again, actually, the second use of the word, alluded to a double meaning too. "said you were drunk every time you [censored]ed me", basically what I got from this was that you felt she f*ed you over, not just the literal act of f*ing. In fact, if you added a comma or split the line it would read "said you were drunk every time...you [censored]ed me" Just a thought.

    I think drunk and deflated was my favorite part because it gave a great image.

    Okay I have been rambling so that is enough for me. Thanks for sharing.

    Nurple
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by pinurplepassion | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with first comment, I personally don't enjoy cursing unless it's really called for, it cheapens it. It started off great, got my heart pounding, and it was really strong in the second and third stanzas, there were some strong images. The last few lines were okay, would have been nice if the ending was as strong as the start. Like I said it got my heart racing, so thats enough to do it for me.
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Levon | [ Reply to This ]
      you always learn the hard way that no matter the age, rejection of your love (which in turn is a rejection of yourself) always hurts like it did the first time. i see it's been a long time since you were 16, but i guess you never forget the ache of the scars when you unearth a memento of the times when there was more than coldness between you. what is it about 16 year old girls that at that lush and tender age they have a knife collection that any bushman worth his kill count would envy? i like the rhythm of this, how it went smooth and then off kilter, mirroring the song topic, as it were. great stuff, thanks for sharing. =]

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      I found it quite hard to continue after the next to last word in line eight,stanza one.
    I don't know why but such words are too realistic and too personal in nature for any further enjoyment in continuing to read. To have left the word out would have had let me choose what was transpiring.
    The last two lines in the poem goes wll with what I have said in another reply recently. When someone has taken away one's precious personal possession with the possessor's ascent there is no more respect
    for that person thusly, if there was love,then there ain't none no more because trust and admiration has flown out the door.
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]


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