Sonnet by jer

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Submission Name: Sonnet dots

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Author:	jer
ASL Info:	29/M/Detroit
Elite Ratio:	5.08 - 283/238/34
Words:	115

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	350
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	670

Description:
I'm sure it's bad form, but this is from the forum. There was a challenge to write differently and this is what I came up with, an Elizabethan Sonnet... and I'm not entirely unhappy with it, so I want to keep it. :)

Sonnet

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When flowering buds of relationship
meet the brutal rigors of time’s decay,
love’s tenderness from my heart you will rip
not even for a moment will you stay.
And while all of my newfound tenderness
will crash unheeded on your virgin shore,
I will not sob, missing your sweet caress
even though you have left me wanting more.
I’ve faith in gentle time’s healing powers
more so than ever I have found in you,
so dark depression will not waste my hours
maddeningly pining away for you.
The darkest dawn is breaking before me,
Misty morning dew has washed my soul clean.

Submitted on 2005-03-10 05:59:55 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  "Hi Jer--other than the requirement of 14 lines (of which you met) I can't say exactly what a sonnet is. What I do know is you strung together a series of visions which make for a good poem. The wording is good as well as the flow. Keep doing it and thanks for the read....Mugs....
| Posted on 2006-07-13 00:00:00 | by mugsy | [ Reply to This ]
  I imagine this must have taken a long time to write and I comend the effort. It paid off well. Here are my fave lines..."while all of my newfound tenderness
will crash unheeded on your virgin shore, "
this seems very romantic for some reason...
"The darkest dawn is breaking before me,
Misty morning dew has washed my soul clean."
I could ending..I got closure from it.
one thing sounds awkward...more so than ever I have found in you, though I don't know how I would fix it.
Rubi
| Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by Rubi_Roja | [ Reply to This ]
  Can't really comment on the form, because when it comes to that I am such a free spirit and technically I don't know exactly how it should be structured. That aside...this was beautiful. It sure evoked that time period for me and had romance without being trite or overly sweet. I love your last line and all in all I think this is quite sublime. Isn't it amazing some of the things we can get out of writing exercises? I am actually reading a really great book right now called Wild Mind...about how to get to that raw part of your mind where your conscious mind that tells you that everything you write sucks is silent and it is just authentic. Of course off the top of my head I can't think of the authors last name. Her first name is Natalie and she wrote the well known bood Writing Down the Bones. It's worth checking out- there are a wealth of great writing exercises in it. I enjoyed this... Magnolia
| Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
  I am not good with form poems. too lazy to learn them I suppose, so I don't know if it's true to form or not, but it's definitely a deeply emotional poem. and that's good. surprised that you kept all that inside for so long, but glad you let it out. nice job. and yes, do keep it.
| Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Jer ;0)

I have read your poem a couple of times, I like the idea and the work you have put into this poem, but I am finding it hard to keep the pace reading it. I think if you removed some of the words, you might get a better flow and even make it more interesting.

FX (not a very good example, but at least I did try) ;0)

Flowering buds of relationships
meet brutal rigors of time’s decay
love’s tenderness from my heart rips
not for a moment you will stay

Keep writing ;0)

KNS
| Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]

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