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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Golden Boxdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ibelikeso
    ASL Info:    27/M/FL
    Elite Ratio:    4.99 - 119/106/24
    Words: 166
    Class/Type: Rant/What is
    Total Views: 1030
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 814



    Description:
       what do you see...? if you make a painting in your mind, of your life, what you want to have and what you think you could be.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGolden Boxdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I carry with me a small Golden Box. anywhere i go the little Box comes with me for a ride. i could never touch it, but i know i have it inside. and for years its been empty, then only thing is the feeling of lonelyness. it longs to know affection, to be filled, to feel wanted and nothing less. What is this mystery Box? that could be like a treasure. i could give it freely to any one that i choose, but they can never take it with them. so if they walk away, that Golden Box is something they will lose. once its been given and later on given back, i see all around it braking, it has begun to crack. so what happened to the Golden Box? some one was careless when they had it and i saw it being miss treated, as i stood a bit too far. because i trusted some one with my Golden Box... that is... my heart.




    Submitted on 2005-03-10 07:17:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with speacenik.

    Do not tell us in the end that it is your heart. It is pretty obvious through what you said, and saying it is your heart kind of blurts into our that we are too idiotic to know. Readers won't like that.

    Run spellcheck you have too many mistakes for such a small poem.
    lonelyness should be loneliness
    braking should be breaking
    some one is one word:someone
    miss treated too is one word: mistreated.

    You have a nice metaphoric image I like the way you made the heart a golden box. A precious container of feelings and love.

    Correct your submission, change the form, for it is too stacked that way.
    Use spaces, make stanzas.
    Treat your golden box with care... and you have a nice poem.

    Peace
    Viviane
    | Posted on 2005-05-27 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      There is a great sensitivity and rawness to this that engages the reader. The metaphor of a golden box for a heart is strong. Yet, as Ellisa says you rely to heavily on people not knowing it's a heart from the beginning. You could do with cutting down your poem. Perhaps write:

    i carry with me a small Golden Box. anywhere i go the little Box comes with me for a ride. i could never touch it, but i know i have it inside. and for years its been empty, the only thing is the feeling of loneliness. it longs to know affection, to be filled, to feel wanted. it could be like a treasure. i could give it freely to any one that i choose, but they can never take it with them. so if they walk away, that Golden Box is something they will lose. once its been given and later on given back, i see all around it breaking, it has begun to crack. some one was careless when they had it and i saw it being mistreated, as i stood a bit too far. because i trusted some one with my Golden Box.
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      This didnt really work as an indepth piece because it was obvious what the 'golden box' was all along. Nice image but i think you were relying too heavily that people would read literaly rather than looking past the image. What you said about the box not going with someone, im not sure thats true. When you 'give someone your heart' i love them, they get to take you anywhere they want
    ellisa
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by ellisa | [ Reply to This ]


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