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    dots Submission Name: What Shall You Dodots

    Author: edthepoet
    ASL Info:    47-m-Pa
    Elite Ratio:    4.72 - 1476/991/125
    Words: 175
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1373
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1076


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhat Shall You Dodots

    What Shall You Do

    As I stand before you with a naked mind
    One that is unadulterated and pure
    wanting to learn all about life

    Not just the world we see and touch
    Rather the powerful world of emotions
    that so many seem to run and hide from
    or chase so hard they cry in their track

    What shall you instill into my mind first?
    Love, fear, compassion or survival techniques

    Can you feed me emotions?
    Without contaminating me with your past

    When will I hear your first lie?

    Which is the real truth?
    The spiritual word or the endless race to neverland?

    On what day do I dance with my own mind?

    Will you truly ever let that happen?

    Welcome to my naked mind mom and dad
    please handle with care, for someday
    I will have to answer these questions and more

    Edward K. Deputy

    Submitted on 2005-03-10 07:28:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Wow. This one is inspiring-something that ought to be given as part of the birth package from the hospital-complete with the free diaper and the three-pak of babywipes. As one who is hoping to be a parent before long, this is a good reminder of the fragility of what we will raise. Thanks for your words.
    | Posted on 2005-03-31 00:00:00 | by Athalia | [ Reply to This ]
      I read this at first as if addressing a new lover and only towards the end realised that it was meant from a child to his/her partents. I think it works both ways really as it has an unspoken honesty and plea for acceptance and guidance. It's extremely well written and poignant.
    | Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      here again you pick some interesting ways to deal with emotions and the learning we all have to go through in life.

    i think the rhetoric works here because you answer/address the questions you ask at the end of your piece, thus tieing it all in together.

    again this is a little raw.
    written as it would be said in your
    and it works here moreso than in the other i just commented on, but could be reigned in a little.
    for example you start the piece with as i stand before you,,,but do not tie it into aything, or at least there is no apparent link until at least line 8.

    i think that the questions that you raise are pertinent enough to warrant more descriptions and explanations.
    you could turn this rhetorical piece into an epic poem if you wanted to describing events that all your questions raise and really pull on our emotional heart strings.
    you have scratched the surface here in terms of what you could have done even though you have covered everything on a hypothetical level.

    so that could be a sort of challenge.

    if you keep pumping these ideas out you are going to have enough work and inspration for your life and mine,
    and this is something that will bode you very well.

    and you can keep it up because it is inspiring me too

    take care ed
    | Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
    I am not a parent, but as a child (of sorts) I can relate to this theme.
    I understand how hard it must be, to be a father (or mother).
    You poem accurately conveys the difficulties in guiding a child along the right path.
    my favorite line,
    "When will I hear your first lie?"
    No matter how good a parent you are, there will be one point in time when you feel you have to lie to your child.
    The only thing wrong with this poem,...
    it had to end....I try to follow the critique rules....but lets face it sometimes there is nothing wrong.
    | Posted on 2005-03-11 00:00:00 | by Rubi_Roja | [ Reply to This ]
      That is so wonderful and you could'nt of found a more wonderful time(in my mind) to post this. I think this is beautiful and real, you have an extrodnary mind that always gives me things to think about.
    I loved it
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Forgiven | [ Reply to This ]
      When will I hear your first lie?

    It's going to happen and that's a reality. I like how you introduced the subjects of the poem in the last stanza.

    Can you feed me emotions?
    Without contaminating me with your past

    I loved these lines. So often parents try to correct their own mistakes through their children. They just don't realize that we have to live for ourselves. Good write.

    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by xtremegentleman | [ Reply to This ]
      OMG Ed, this is so real it's scary. These questions you ask, we as parents ask ourselves.
    Such as: What shall I say
    Should I lie to protect them
    How do I teach them, without
    being prejudicial.
    When your children mature and become adults only then can you find out if you were on the right track. Installing a strong faith and belief in morality, I felt, was primary. Then you have to sit back and see what humanity can sometimes twist what you've tried to instill in them, but somehow they survive. This writing has stirred up so much emotion with me, I must definately put it on my favorites. Thank you so much for this insightful poem of love.
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! Makes me nervous as a parent. We all hope we're raising them right, but there's never a guarantee. Maybe you should title this 'Handle with Care'. Anyway, good job here.
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      You used a great concept from the standpoint of innocence and impression to convey the human condition. This really hit all the high notes.

    Well done.
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      Can you feed me emotions?
    Without contaminating me with your past

    Wow...can you feed me emotions...without contaminating me with your past...

    Well, I can try! lol

    Lovely. This is one that I feel so much from. Raising a child on my own you never think about the day that your child will come at you with a different attitude on things. You always expect things to be "perfect".

    Very well put together!

    | Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      it's not often that reading a list of questions can excite something other than annoyance that the answers haven't been provided by the writer.
    In thispiece of course you are asking the eternal questions and we don't expect you to answer them for us - so that's alright then.
    No it's not.
    Because it makes us uncomfortable and inadequate and questioning of ourselves in the interim.
    I like the use of strong words both emotionally and verbally.
    Contaminate. It's a strong word and considering that this is what big people do to little people requires a degree of candour with oneself. Am I a contaminant? If so, benign or otherwise?
    It's of a narrative style that lines us up and reads like the desiderata - except this didn't make me rush off to bring my dinner up...
    Quite the opposite.
    Quite the apposite.
    | Posted on 2005-03-16 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]

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