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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Like Drunkards in a Lakedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 69
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1009
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 434



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLike Drunkards in a Lakedots
    -------------------------------------------


    We fell in love like drunkards
    who lost their footing
    walking too close
    to the edge of a lake.
    Though it is shallow,
    we grasp at each other
    not bothering to try to get out
    or move to anything deeper.
    Perhaps we'll wake in the morning
    wet and cold on the shore.
    Perhaps the light will never come,
    and this will be the state of our lives
    forever.




    Submitted on 2005-03-10 10:51:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A good, thought-provoking write. I liked the way this one reads. It doesn't have a flow, but this style matches the content in the way it is written. Nice write.
    | Posted on 2005-05-23 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
      the subtlety of it was rather smart

    i don't think it's boring if you know how to read between the lines and allow the after taste of this piece to actually linger before you decide to spit it out.

    i still question that truth behind love... why it's skeleton is so irrational when it's carpenters are utterly concrete. i guess... there's pleasure in being drunk with someone and letting yourself go... kinda like reliquishing your control to each other.

    i agree with david's compliment with regards to your take on new love... everything else just doesn't seem to matter at the face of love because we are too human to deny ourselves the pleasure of holding on to it... or (perferrably not) leaving in dreams with it.
    | Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      so I'll be the grammar police...

    They fell in love
    Like drunkards
    Who had lost their footing
    Walking too close
    To the edge of a lake
    And though it was shallow
    They grasped at each other
    Not bothering to try to get out
    Or move to anything deeper
    Perhaps they'll wake in the morning
    Wet and cold on the shore
    Perhaps the light will never come
    And this will be the state of their lives
    Forever

    you can't have 2nd and 3rd person occupying the same space without some non-poetic grammatical and literary truisms and your insistent lack of punctuation compounds the confusion. it's a grammatical quasar...
    despite writing well enough to articulate the idea, this for me was more of an annoyance and I think that you have missed a trick here beause a bit more flesh on these bones might have produced a piece made more mainstream...
    and you wrote it down too quickly too I think.
    but then, what would we know?
    later,
    K
    | Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      it was a nice piece, although i think it lacked a little, great content, great story, but i feel that if you connected the lovers a little more it would be beautiful
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by laniejane | [ Reply to This ]
      this was wonderful!
    I especially liked your vivid imagery, and something I can only describe as a wistful sorrow between the words.
    | Posted on 2005-03-23 00:00:00 | by marigold | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmm... half-drowned; both in liqueur and in water, forever. interesting take! this is a very thought-provoking piece! i read it, scrolled down to the text box, and had to scroll back up to read it once more- i like a poem that makes you think and analyze and apply... thanks for the insight. *md*
    | Posted on 2005-03-11 00:00:00 | by MerryDeath | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree with Nan on the co-dependent, dysfunctional thing. i've had a few of those myself, so this read a bit too familiar. to be so wrapped up in someone like that is unhealthy. describing it as drunk is a good way to put it. after one of these kind of relationships, the hangover is quite brutal. *glares down at Solomon Disease and sticks out tongue* well done, Amy.
    | Posted on 2005-03-11 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you've captured a true story of co-dependence
    here, to fall in a lake and for neither lover to know or care what happens to their own life. And then maybe it's just true love, how could any of us ever know? But these lovers seem taken to the point of being dysfunctional. I feel the stasis you've created by the idea they won't go deeper and don't try to get out. This could also describe how love ends becomes static with no commitment. Great job Amy, nice to read something new, too.
    Hugs and vanilla wafers,

    Nan

    | Posted on 2005-03-11 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this! :) It's different from the normal love story but so effective. I like the idea of falling into a lake drunk and not wanting to get out. Even if it means staying there forever. Sort of like love if you think of it. Wanting to fall into it with no regrets. You'd live in it forever. :) I loved it! I really like trying to figure out different messages in pieces and this just made me happy. :) haha Even if I'm the only one who can understand what I think it's about. Great job! I love that pic of you up there by the way. :)
    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh,hey,this is a good one!
    Love the analogy about love and being drunk. It's so true. People who fall in love just go with the feelings without much thought,precisely the way drunks deal with themselves. Then when you wake up and the feeling's gone,you realize what a bad night it was,and the hell you're paying for the hangover's just not worth it.
    Everything's perfect with this one.
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the analogy. It really works all the way through. But you seem to have left out the option that they might drown in that shallow lake? Unless that's implied in the last couple of lines? I enjoy your work. (And you certainly do look cuddly in that photo!)
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Amelit | [ Reply to This ]
      The deadndreaming chills-o-meter is going beserk. You captured that feeling of new love so well. I can feel it and, though I'm happy as a dog on the couch, I want to be there again. Where there are no bills to pay and no dead to raise, no bathroom to remodel and no ride arrangements to make for the kids...just now and just these feelings and this conversation.

    If anything, I stumbled over the changing of tense from "we fell" and "walking" to "we grasp" and "move", but I have no suggestion for resolution nor a need for it. Just stumbled over it a bit, but then again, I can be awfully clumsy at times.

    Perhaps the light will never come...sometimes we tend to undervalue the dark.
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      boy, have I been there before! great while it lasted but thank heavens it didn't. some endings are to be appreciated. I loved the essence of this poem. deep and shallow at the same time. caught up in love but drowning in it. beautiful!
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      This wasn't my favorite but I don't agree with Solomon at all. He seems a little harsh to me. I think you could have added more or changed the flow. I'm not sure what it is but in any case it is a good idea and not boring. It was short and sweet. Like I said I don't know exactly what I didn't like about it.

    Blessed Be!
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Sarah Leger | [ Reply to This ]
      Boring. Maybe it had a good message of some sort but I didn't get it. It was boring. Sorry. This thing wants me to write more . . . . Have you ever tried not drinking? It doesn't help. The world is just as messed up. When you're buzzed it's actually easier to deal with.
    | Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this one a lot Amy, (you must get tired me of starting all my comments to you that way..lol). In the intoxicated state there is a certain letting go of inhibitions, an elation , –problems seem minor if even acknowledged,and one feels confident (overly so usually) in their ability to conquer any challenge. I never thought about falling in love being that way also, but of course you are right.

    So the title is very catchy and appropriate, and forms an integral part of the poem. The imagery of the happy couple reeling along the lakeshore, oblivious to danger and just savoring the emotions of the moment all works to tighten your metaphor. I liked the lines
    "Not bothering to try to get out
    Or move to anything deeper"
    implying that you you both were happily trapped in the moment, wishing neither to go back or forward.That is so typical of both the drunk and the newly smitten lover,-that nothing could be as great as this moment, this time-the concerns of the past are forgotten, and there is no thought of the future, just a total immersion in the feelings of the moment.
    Good One
    Silver
    | Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this a lot Amy. Although unintentional, it made me think of the poet Du Fu and how is said to have drowned in a river after reach for the moon's reflection after a heavy night of drinking. Your lover's do not drown, and they are not reaching for a reflection, but they are drunk and falling into water.

    The image is also completely realistic to me, as my brother and I used to have parties at our lake house, and nearly without fail someone would fall or get pushed of the dock in all their clothes. At that point, you just sit there and say, "well, I'm wet." and you laugh.

    You really get melodramtic with the romantic fate at the end of the poem, which you do a lot, and so doI! Lot's of the too-tight-collar scholars really scoff and that kind of sappy romanticism, but I think it's one of the beauties of poetry that we can express that fateful, romantic destiny side that is such a part of the human spirit.
    | Posted on 2005-03-16 00:00:00 | by Black Rock Tractor | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, I have read some of the other comments and I guess my take is different, but only because I have actually experienced this literally. While in highschool, I spent a crazy night at the lake with friends and the boy I was over the moon for. We went walking along the edge of the water and the moment carried us away- the elation, the horomones, the Cuervo. We fell in and we ended up skinny dipping until the police came about an hour later- Had they not come, we may have ended up on the bottom of that lake, with permanent smiles on our faces. This took me back to a happy, crazy memory of my youth. Thanks Amy xo Magnolia
    | Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]


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