[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Chapter 2 (adam)dots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 327
    Class/Type: Story/Love
    Total Views: 797
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1809

       This is the second of my story. All about adam.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChapter 2 (adam)dots

    Adam was the only boyfriend I had inside the institute.He served meals at the cafeteria and sometimes assisted with us when there was a shortage of nurses. He opened windows and walked with us throughout the hospital. If we needed a cigg lit he would be the one we called for.
    I didn't smoke but my roomie Jamie did. When he came in I normally shied away in the corner and drew on my sketchpad. Which is the only thing that kept me from going insane. ( Ironic that I was still in denial even though I was living in the ward)
    Once he noticed a scetch of mine. It was a picture of a girl trapped outside my window. She was crying and the tears sort of made her look blurry.
    Adam: That's cool, what does it mean.
    Me: It means nothing
    Adam: You seem normal to me...why are you here.
    Me: If I tell you I will have to kill you. I don't wanna be judged.
    Adam: Who's judging you?
    Me: Your father
    Adam: What is his diagnoses?
    He said this with the cutest grin and a bit of sarcasm.
    Me: Apperently I am screwed up.
    He looked down at the scetch and then at me.
    Adam: I see you in the picture, not with the resenblance but symbolically.She is trapped but on the outside, so maybe you felt worse oput there than you do here. It looks like pain.
    He hit very close with this one.
    Me: Did Dr. Dad teach you that?
    He lifted his sleeve and bared his arms to me.
    Adam: No...this did.
    His tracks were worse than mine. His scars were deep and symetrical. Each cut was strategically placed in parallel lines all along the inside of his arm.
    That is when I started questioning Dr. Dad about "personal" things and that is when I started going to the cafeteria.

    Submitted on 2005-03-10 14:47:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      THe only thing i suggest is putting the dialog in quotes

    like instead of me: blah blah blah

    it be "blah , blah", I said.

    I asked, "blah blah?"

    Then, Addam, with the cutest grin and a bit of sarcasm: " Blah Blah"

    YOu see what i mean.

    My commments on chapter one kinda just roll over on to here

    I mean, you develop your characters so beautifuly. This girl seems real enough, she draws and that's cool. She smokes ciggs ( no real surprise there). And here comes super cool super nice adam who's just like her. And look he's got marks on his arm too, how romantic that these two kindred souls meet. And how wonderful for her that he totally gets her drawing and there for totally sees what nobody else is able to see in her. How perfect and swell and jolly. (come on lori.)

    You've got quite a gift. That cannot be denied. Your style is like on fire. But this is like some after school special gone wrong.

    Are these the first story style submits you've wrote? Because i really look forward to more.

    I've tried my hand at story style submitts myself. Maybe you could take the time to check them out. anyway even though i don't like the plot, the style is awsome. Keep it up and KIT

    | Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by spoken | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    True Death written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Wavelength written by saartha
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Every..... written by jackz
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Push written by JanePlane
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Fasade written by jackz
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Bond written by saartha
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    One Day written by WriteSomething
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]