Adam was the only boyfriend I had inside the institute.He served meals at the cafeteria and sometimes assisted with us when there was a shortage of nurses. He opened windows and walked with us throughout the hospital. If we needed a cigg lit he would be the one we called for.
I didn't smoke but my roomie Jamie did. When he came in I normally shied away in the corner and drew on my sketchpad. Which is the only thing that kept me from going insane. ( Ironic that I was still in denial even though I was living in the ward)
Once he noticed a scetch of mine. It was a picture of a girl trapped outside my window. She was crying and the tears sort of made her look blurry.
Adam: That's cool, what does it mean.
Me: It means nothing
Adam: You seem normal to me...why are you here.
Me: If I tell you I will have to kill you. I don't wanna be judged.
Adam: Who's judging you?
Me: Your father
Adam: What is his diagnoses?
He said this with the cutest grin and a bit of sarcasm.
Me: Apperently I am screwed up.
He looked down at the scetch and then at me.
Adam: I see you in the picture, not with the resenblance but symbolically.She is trapped but on the outside, so maybe you felt worse oput there than you do here. It looks like pain.
He hit very close with this one.
Me: Did Dr. Dad teach you that?
He lifted his sleeve and bared his arms to me.
Adam: No...this did.
His tracks were worse than mine. His scars were deep and symetrical. Each cut was strategically placed in parallel lines all along the inside of his arm.
That is when I started questioning Dr. Dad about "personal" things and that is when I started going to the cafeteria.
THe only thing i suggest is putting the dialog in quotes
like instead of me: blah blah blah
it be "blah , blah", I said.
or I asked, "blah blah?"
Then, Addam, with the cutest grin and a bit of sarcasm: " Blah Blah"
YOu see what i mean.
My commments on chapter one kinda just roll over on to here
I mean, you develop your characters so beautifuly. This girl seems real enough, she draws and that's cool. She smokes ciggs ( no real surprise there). And here comes super cool super nice adam who's just like her. And look he's got marks on his arm too, how romantic that these two kindred souls meet. And how wonderful for her that he totally gets her drawing and there for totally sees what nobody else is able to see in her. How perfect and swell and jolly. (come on lori.)
You've got quite a gift. That cannot be denied. Your style is like on fire. But this is like some after school special gone wrong.
Are these the first story style submits you've wrote? Because i really look forward to more.
I've tried my hand at story style submitts myself. Maybe you could take the time to check them out. anyway even though i don't like the plot, the style is awsome. Keep it up and KIT
Submission Name: Chapter 2 (adam)
