Spiritual Awakening by jer

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Submission Name: Spiritual Awakening dots

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Author:	jer
ASL Info:	29/M/Detroit
Elite Ratio:	5.08 - 283/238/34
Words:	83

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	338
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	669

Description:
Note: This one was called Hope Becomes Faith, because I could think of no better title... but one I liked a LOT more was suggested...

One of the ones I've written in the last couple of weeks that I'm actually reasonably fond of... primarily because it is one of the few "upbeat" or "happy ending" poems I've done that didn't sound trite to me.

Spiritual Awakening dots

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A single gossamer thread
taut to the edge of release.
A house of cards
one breath from collapse.

The most tenuous grasp
on unrealized optimism.
A mountaineer desperately clinging
to hope's steep cliff.

Transitions slowly into...

Resolute certainty,
all that can be done, has been.
What will be, will be
without paralyzing fear.

Optimism and pessimism merge
into stark, humble reality.
Acceptance gains precedence
over fears and sullen doubts...

Until serenity is found,
within rather than without.

Submitted on 2005-03-10 19:05:35 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hahahahhaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!

<aheh, aheh>

BWAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Sorry, my brother. hehheheeee. I can't even form a comment at this time. I should have done it before reading the other comments.

Aheh . . . <whew>.

Rob, on1eday, oh he's a trip, man. He has a way of getting to a body, doesn't he? I just love seeing it happen to someone else, since he's gotten me a few times.

I'm so sorry. I owe you a comment somewhere else . . . it's just I can't see . . .

Everything's so blurry.

hahahhahaaaaaaaa...
| Posted on 2005-05-21 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  Judging by all this feedback, it looks like you hit a few people's buttons. I tried reading it all, but my eyes are starting to water. I like a man who knows what buttons to push. Good job.
| Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by Jessa | [ Reply to This ]
  Hrmm... it's hard to decide where to even start. First of all, let me start by saying that I've no intention of responding to your critique of the poem itself. That's the wonderful thing about opinion, and all critique is just that... opinion. I'm more intrigued by your response to my journal, so I'd prefer to focus there. If you wish to discuss the literal merits (or lack thereof) of this poem, I'd be happy to do so in a seperate thread than this...

Okay, lets get started. You said:

"because you talk about poetry that is verbose and poetry that is eye candy
or kidology
and without purpose,
and you speak of it being not 'poetry'"

I'm having trouble finding that passage. The only thing I can vaguely construe as "speaking of it not being poetry" is when I say "The poster who writes a daily suicide note, and calls it a poem"... and even this was not meant to indicate that what they write is, or is not, a poem. I can write three one syllable words on three seperate lines and call it a minimalist poem. Its brevity makes it no less a poem, although its MERIT as a poem is in question... as is the merit of ALL poetry... but now we're arguing semantics.

That having been said, the supposition upon which your whole comment is written is baseless.

You said:
"firstly i would say that you are not one to judge what is 'poetry.'"

Good call, and thank God... too much pressure for me, but again... reviewing my journal, I can't seem to find the part where I claimed responsibility for declaring what is or is not poetry... in fact, I can't even find a vague implication that I might be a part of such governing body. I assume you either inferred that which was not there, or just opted to create such statements for the sake of bolstering a weak argument (a crime I have been guilty of on more than one occasion).

Let us move along to the part where I declared myself:

"self proclaimed pretty good/amazing but not quite amazing talent,"

Now, in reviewing my journal, I seem to refer to that catagory as "pretty decent to very good", so you raised the bar on me there (intentionally?). Frankly, even my status as "pretty decent" is arguable, but the more important part of that thought, however, that you failed to mention... and the part that I feel qualifies me for this catagory without question, is when I said "these people put a lot of time and effort into their work... and it has great meaning to them." That is the part where I feel I qualify. Good, bad, or indifferent, I put a great deal of time and effort into what I produce... whether or not the outcome shows that... Basically, I guess the point I'm trying to make here is, you are purporting that I have said something that I absolutely did not, and using that as a secondary basis for your comment... and you are inaccurate, at best... and wildly wrong at worst.

Finally, to cover the "doing what I rank as non poetry". This is harder to cover without getting into a discussion as to the merit of this specific piece, however, I'll give it the old college try.

Let's disregard the obviously incorrect part of the statement, as we've already established that I've not called anything "non-poetry" yet. Let's, instead, focus on the comparison between this work and the part of my journal that I can only assume you must have been referring to: "The writer who strings together incoherent thoughts with large words and intriguing sounding phrases that sum up to nothing upon any inspection."

First, I fail to find the large words requisite for this work to qualify, but more to the point, each stanza, for better or for worse, is a coherent thought. Trite, clichéd, or otherwise, there's no question what the INTENT of the line is, even if, as a whole, the reader has difficulty grasping the point of the piece. The large, meaningless words to which I referred was more along the lines of complete nonsense. Things that mean nothing upon literal inspection. It is difficult for me to create an example, as I don't think that way, it is hard for me to just make up nonsense off the top of my head... and I'm loathe to use an example from someone else's work... so this will be my weak argument for the day. *shrug* Que Serra (sp?).

In short (too late), your comment is noted, and I genuinely thank you for it. There is much in there that I can use to better future work... I don't want you to take the above corrections as a dismissal of your comment... merely take the words I have used in the spirit in which they were meant... a mild, rebuke-free correction where you were inaccurate or where you misunderstood/misrepresented. Thanks.

-jer
| Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]
  its like you crawled right into my head tonight! this is what i am feeling right now..i am at that place where it all collides and its nice to see someone put so into words what i mean to say...thanks!
-Nikki
| Posted on 2005-03-23 00:00:00 | by stolie77 | [ Reply to This ]
  oops.
you replied on your own page.
well that is one way to get your comments up on your piece!

and here is another way.

take care
on1eday.co.uk
| Posted on 2005-03-22 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  hello,
i read your journal and it interested me.
the opinions of others interests me.
and so yours did.

your idea of 'poetry,' is fine,
and your own
[like others]
and that is fine.

though i think you have shot yourself in the foot.
because you talk about poetry that is verbose and poetry that is eye candy
or kidology
and without purpose,
and you speak of it being not 'poetry'

firstly i would say that you are not one to judge what is 'poetry.'
nor, for that matter, am i,
or anyone else.
perception is the key, and that is all it is and can be.
because you have advertised these views, and your self proclaimed pretty good/amazing but not quite amazing talent, i was keen to read your work.

and with an open mind.

but it is hard to read with an open mind when you set your stall out like you do.

if i were to tell you that i were very strong/superman but could not fly you would expect me to at least run faster than a train and burn sh-it with my eyes.
and have a tight pair of pants.
at the very least.

so i come here with high expectations,
and i am left disappointed and empty.

because you are doing exactly what you rank as non poetry. hiding behind words.

this is your poem:
[in brackets i will put what you are saying as i see it]

'A single gossamer thread
taut to the edge of release.
A house of cards
one breath from collapse.

[nothing; though this is an introduction]

The most tenuous grasp
on unrealized optimism.
A mountaineer desperately clinging
to hope's steep cliff.

[the same as the first, just in different words]

Transitions slowly into...

Resolute certainty,
all that can be done, has been.
What will be, will be
without paralyzing fear.

[nothing. you signify a change. you could have written 'it was like this and now it is like this.'

Optimism and pessimism merge
into stark, humble reality.
Acceptance gains precedence
over fears and sullen doubts...

[that the previous things you were saying join, but what was it you were saying?]

Until serenity is found,
within rather than without.'

[that serenity is found within].

you have some weak and clichéd analogies in here that are too loose abnd do not relate to what you are saying:
'A house of cards
one breath from collapse'
and
'A mountaineer desperately clinging
to hope's steep cliff'
and
'without paralyzing fear.'

the whole piece is an attempt to make great analogies only to make your piece highly contrived and distracting.
the extrapolation shows that you are unsure of how to punctuate those parts effectively or that you are copping out of saying what should be in place of the dots.
and then you have repeated it.
you have repeated the word fear within five lines without having a concept behind it and thus this is an oversight.
you need a comma after the second will be, because it relates to the first will be and not the next line.
[and yes i know i have no capitals and apostrophe's [except that one,] it is just easier to type that way and i can give more time]
but this is not a poem.
you give two metaphors in the first two stanzas for the same thing in each and again you dont have a concept for this as far as i can see.
it does not add to your piece, it does not build to anything in my opinion.
should you be using stark and then humble in the same line after each other.
i would say that they antagonise each other. there are multiple meaning for the word stark:
Bare or blunt: “His language has become increasingly stark, to the point of sounding strident” (Robert Pear).
Complete or utter; extreme: stark poverty; a stark contrast.
Harsh; grim: “faced with that stark future” (Robert C. McFarlane). “ [They] found it hard to accept such a stark portrait of unrelieved failure”
and i would not describe anything humble as anything of the above. you could use many words in the place, but it sounds like you are over wording and filling out the gaps that you leave in the subject and the concept.
or lack of.
sullen doubts is so loose it is almost irrelevant.
it is a cop out to place a word so loose next to a word so strong and full of implications. the usual excuse would be that it has multiple meanings and depth, but i do not find this true, i find this to be an excuse. explain what those doubts are in a way that we can have something to hold in our minds. give us a picture or something.

and then your end.
so you are saying that by merging pessimism and optimism we are finding inner peace.
that is so pseudo Buddhist.
that is Buddhist that your American next door neighbour practises.

and you have worded it without evoking direct imagery and you said what you could have said in half the words with twice the effect.

this is what 'artists,' would call 'art.'
this is heinous procrastination.
this is waving your hand in the air at your butler or putting on a red beret and holding a palette in your thumb to paint a picture.

i am sorry that i am harsh on your poem, but i feel it is only fair to tell you that your work is everything you do not want it to be and that it is everything you accuse others of being.
and this is very much and very often the case with all of us.
we just dont know it.
take care
on1eday.co.uk

| Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
  I really enjoyed reading this. The first part is captivating and then brings you right into the transition .. Beautifully written. Optimism, pessimism, - they certainly do merge at times. The ending lines wrap it up so well. The first I've read of yours...I think it's great.

Take Care!
~Sandra
| Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  Jer, I love this one. We seem to be on the same wave-length lately. I have submitted 2 new pieces with much the same flavor. This is very calming and soothing to me. There is a feeling of almost being rocked back and forth- a calm after a storm, a realization of bigger things that matter more- Of course maybe that is what I want to see, and for that it serves me well. Take care Jer- it's good to see another side of you. I can tell you are a very feeling and tender person. - Magnolia
| Posted on 2005-03-18 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
  Yeah. I can see why you're fond of this. It's really good jer. It has the classic feel of an epiphany put into words, which is by no means an easy task.

all that can be done, has been

this pretty much says it all. We come to moments like this, but usually somehow can't accept it. We keep pushing for more, when there is no more. To realize that we have done all we can and that this is indeed enough, however flawed is the result, is an epiphany that we all should find.

One minor thing. I think you have a typo in S2 L3. deperately > desperately

It's good to see you writing so much after a lull. You're on a roll now for sure.
| Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey jer- this is light and optimistic and damn it I am happy to read something that doesn't involve death, or mutilation, or eating dead people, or ...well you get the point. No offense to people who eat dead people, I hear they can be quite tasty although for me it was a bit too gamey. Anyway, I like this very much and did not find it trite in the least. I love your word choices- all of them, and I mean ALL of them- the flow was tight- yet rolled right out from between my lips. Truly enjoyed this one. Smiles- Magnolia
| Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
  trite it's not. it's quite beautiful and very good personal advice. I ought to take it myself. although I have been trying for years to seek happiness within and I still keep looking for it around the corner. I don't know why that is. have fun tonight. and be nice.
| Posted on 2005-03-11 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  there isnt nothing trite about this. i really like what you say through this write.
i think it effective the way this write seemed to be a progression which fits with your title... you show the progression of hope becoming faith.

i love the image of the playing card house a breath away from collapse. i always forget to breathe when im making card houses (not that it helps them stay up any sadly...)

im not sure though but i think perhaps your transitional line could perhaps flow a lil more smoothly... somehow...

when i read the part about pessimism and optimism merging into reality something went snap... thats a very awesome thought and one i shall have to explore for myself and i like that serenity (and the answers) are found within ones self and not from outside sources...

overall i am very impressed with this write. i dont think ive read anything of yours before but i am sure gonna have to read some more... bye for now and great write.
| Posted on 2005-03-10 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  funny, i was just feeling like this today... it is nice to read something optimistic that has hope. sometimes you just gotta let go and just let things be what they are. no fear. just acceptance. good job.
| Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, Jer, I became smitten with your sarcastic, angry rants, right off the bat, because they sounded so real and so personal. But damn, here you go, a new style, a new outlook, and yet it still has that genuine feel. So, for that I must say, mission accomplished. This wasnt trite at all.

Its amazing how these few words speak such volumes to the flow of life,
"Resolute certainty,
all that can be done, has been.
What will be, will be
without paralyzing fear"

Resolute certainty is something that we can all use but so few ever obtain.

For this piece, all I can say is that you should not change a thing (with the exception of that typo), because it so beautifully defines a turning point, a moment of clarity in your life, that to change it would be to cloud it.

Nurple
| Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by pinurplepassion | [ Reply to This ]

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