[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Bigger Picturedots

    Author: omnipotent
    ASL Info:    17/F/Wisconsin
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 82/63/23
    Words: 488
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 636
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3101

       Please, please, please, just tell me if you hate this. I know that it's really long, and it's all one big stanza, but I wasn't sure how to break it up. Any advice is would be really, really, REALLY appreciated! TY!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Bigger Picturedots

    The sky drips gold,
    And I wonder for a second who is beneath the knife.
    I wonder for one last time who is condemned to death.
    And it was I who did it all.
    Called my name and promised he'd come.
    But I reluctantly walked away, hand in my own.
    A single word taken by his lips,
    And I couldn't possibly understand.
    Held a dandelion in my emptied hands and filled them.
    Filled with bloodied tears and cordial promises.
    I said I wouldn't even glance,
    But the water ran red and the bee stung.
    I could've sworn I saw him through the doors.
    His voice pouring from the cracks beneath,
    And I trusted one more time.
    With every living quantity of me I held a burning candle.
    All my own, they wouldn't tell me who.
    Who lies between the dented fender and the caved in wall?
    Flanked by the all known in-betweens, who lay lifeless and limp?
    I cried for the sake of crying until my eyes turned green with greed.
    A voice far beyond audible range can tell the difference between you and me.
    My mother and I.
    My sister and I.
    My brother and I.
    A child hold not evident to you.
    Never could our eyes meet and gold agreement upon a desolate little something.
    Little...Little something.
    Heard before the ears of the world he made yet one more promise.
    One he could not uphold.
    And the world laughed in disregard.
    In apathy, they grinned.
    And in accord they thought they'd win.
    They knew more than they were worth.
    And their eyes kept mum the mystery of their unkempt reactions.
    They could never handle the series of ancient actions only days old.
    Through my very own eyes I have seen far more to believe the recluse.
    I would fall upon my knees and beg.
    One last time.
    One last time beg for a chance that has yet to visit me.
    A picture of a moment long forgotten.
    It seems insignificant now that I can see the bigger picture.
    The oil painting.
    The early works of Picasso himself.
    A scribbled sentence will mean more when written on a clean sheet of paper.
    He will edict,
    And they will not doubt his decree.
    Specific and lonesome they will hear the trees speak in fraught declarations.
    They will know forever-more that I am here.
    To speak for the soft-spoken and defeat the laws of man.
    The laws we so effortlessly denounce.
    Hoping in very little quantities that someday, someone will find us.
    And upon command,
    We watch our very own blood spill.
    Watch our very own wits stain the walls in beautiful red-stained patterns.
    I never meant it the way you heard.
    Nonetheless, the sky drips gold above me.
    To misrepresent my cursed name as a valued commodity.
    Their eyes could never be fooled.
    Never could their eyes be fooled...
    For they see through my own.

    Submitted on 2005-03-11 10:08:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I had to read this out loud, it was so wonderfully meticulously worded. I agree, very deep... I can tell that lots of thought went into this, whether conscious or subconscious. It's realllly long though; stanzas might be effective, but all the same I thought that the variation of the line lengths helped that out, made it easier to read than if they had all been the same. I rather like this one, good work.
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by rounin | [ Reply to This ]
      k its long and its deep adnw ell written as sand man said, FORM STANZAS PLEAZE... ... ... ... ... ... ... DO STANZAAAAAAAAAAAAS jeez im so bored anyways f**ken peace
    | Posted on 2005-03-11 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]
      this was good very deep and well written my only suggestion would be to story form or stansas that would make it stand out more but it is fine the way it is great write
    | Posted on 2005-03-11 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Giving written by jjd
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer written by layDsayD
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    To written by SavedDragon
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]