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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Fragrant Haikudots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: majinkenshinamv
    ASL Info:    20/M/Vegas
    Elite Ratio:    7.28 - 70/50/13
    Words: 12
    Class/Type: Haiku/Satire
    Total Views: 878
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 78



    Description:
       Another one of my attempts to try every type of poetry I've never attempted. Looking for first Impressions and corrections still from anyone who knows what they are doing. This is a haiku about giving flowers to women as an present. (I changed the last line, thanks for the suggestions)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Fragrant Haikudots
    -------------------------------------------


    Their death is a gift.
    Their glamour is admired.
    Such an enigma.




    Submitted on 2005-03-11 20:24:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      yea, it is unknown why alot of females love flowers, only for them to wilt away after a few days...they're a waste of money in my opinion...
    also, you can write haiku in the "untraditional" sense if you like...whatever turns your turbine...

    Pestiferous
    | Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by pestiferous | [ Reply to This ]
      the best advice I can give you on this haiku would be to concentrate not on feelings but on descriptions and actions, let your reader find their own feelings. Too many poets think that as long as they have a 5-7-5 syllable pattern and some off-handed reference to nature then they have a haiku. First off the syllable count is of very little importance in the way of exactness, and second most confuse the idea of "seasonal reference" with something about nature. Truly [censored]ized.

    The idea is to have an anchor. like a Drive-In being a reference for summer time. Get it? This stuff is complex bro but well worth the time to research.

    I posted an article about them in the writing forum. CHeck it out if your interested.



    hope this input helps with your writing.

    peace,
    mister fizzle
    | Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      Honestly, First time I read it I didn't like it, but I learn from life that things generally need a second glance. Your haiku is very nice I just recently wrote one myself (first time). Now, if I am not mistaken most haikus I've read where describing actions, while also describing glimpses of a theme within the writers mind. It show you what they see, hear, smell, its more of a physical thing than a mental connection. I like how you were talking about flowers yet didn't directly mention it, making the readint think. All was good but the last line, it was too bland, but that is my opinion. I hope to see your progress. Stay the course.
    | Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by Akai_oni | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting haiku!
    I like your idea for a theme, its unique and intriguing. This alone makes it a good poem, imho.
    You have natural and spiritual elements, as haiku should.
    (I would kinda think that the emotional value of flowers as a gift could be considered spiritual...it does lift the spirits, after all ;) )
    and you have the syllable count down pat.
    That's good, too.
    You're just kinda missing the flavor of the haiku form.
    I'd like you to think about haiku in terms of words, rather than syllables in a sentence.
    The lines in a haiku should feel more like glimpses of a picture than a complete structure that adheres to the same grammar as other kinds of writing.

    Maybe an example of your flower-themed haiku as I would write it would explain what I mean:

    gifts born out of death
    hold an admired glamour;
    how mysterious

    see what I mean about not a complete sentence? more fractured than a sentence, but still presenting a complete thought.
    Since the form limits your words, you may do better not using up your precious space on 'their's and 'is's.
    Its awesome to hear that you are experimenting with lots of forms to write in.
    I hope my nitpicking doesnt sour you on haiku;
    its a strict form with loads of challenges, but it also has its own special charm, imho.
    I hope you decide you like the haiku form and will post more of them. :)
    | Posted on 2005-03-11 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this.

    Flowers are one of those confusing things to me because they represent love so perfectly; stunningly beautiful, then wilting, and then being trashed because they lose their beauty. In your poem, it's almost as if you're poking fun at love as well as the flowers. I like your title too, it's creative and inventive, and I can see you coming up with it with a smile on your face.

    The only part that I don't like is the last line. It sounds like you got impatient and stopped working on the poem with a lot of vigour, because it just sorta falls away from the refreshing, professional way you started it off. Just work on those words, and try to make it sound less middle-schoolish.

    Good write, other than that.

    -Secret
    | Posted on 2005-03-11 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
      AHHHHHHHH EJHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH dont listen to any of these bogus commentators this is an original and if they cant see that then we are just gonna have to lset sail to the MILLION DOLLAR ISLe By ou5rselves ~L,t
    | Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]


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