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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: And never vice-versadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: secret moon
    Elite Ratio:    6.54 - 687/427/57
    Words: 174
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1039
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1077



    Description:
       This I wrote after some random inspiration, I really like it a lot, so this is definitely one of the ones you guys are absolutely welcome to poke about five hundred holes in. Go for it!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnd never vice-versadots
    -------------------------------------------


    My mind kidnaps the thought of you, and I guess at
    how every single bit of the frantically written poetry, the
    hastily scribbled deer, my favorite ink-splattered jacket and its
    resulting frayed right cuff from jotting down so much of hope…
    all of that is pointless like that Sisyphus guy, but still

    I really just
    want to share with you the few secrets I’d learned, amidst the chaos-
    butiamacoward

    -so instead, I lie down in the peaceful grass, underneath the overlying
    thought of dandelion, despite the winter lying around me
    once-think rain too, rather than snow, but I know since I’m not stupid that
    rain is just one more form of crying
    and so I frown and off again I wander, à pied to some forgotten churchyard
    just to get away.

    Maybe, in that whispering churchyard, I will realize that it was actually the thought of you
    that kidnapped me. And never vice-versa. That is when I will laugh, because
    I am so much entwined in you.




    Submitted on 2005-03-11 21:33:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hmmmm. The format.. was a little chaotic to me.. but isnt that the point. The pause and line breaks seemed not be based on some sort of deliberation, but I am not one of htose anal-twads (I swear) who gets extremely bothered by such things. I really loved the imagery you used... I dervived a sense of "passive longing" while reading this peice. The winter.. sense of dandilion, rain/tears staz I thought was quite lovely. The metaphor of "a hastlily scribbled dear is very vivd.. I can feel the anxiety.. and the run on iamacowoward... works well with this peice.

    I think the last stanza needs more work.. after reaidng the first 2 powerful stanzas, this reader expected the same level of imagery... maybe something to show of "being intertwined" just my thought/

    screams
    | Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      What's all this talk about line breaks? I think what you've done gives the piece a random feel, you do after come back around to find your self. I like the description in the first stanza, the ink-stained jacket
    how you are a coward at love? But you do love you and show us it's you for whom you've been searching,
    even after the scene in the churchyard. All things said, this is quite insightful and I'm impressed. Great write,
    Thanks for sharing,
    peace and love,

    nansofast
    | Posted on 2005-03-13 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      dude... i just wrote you the longest comment in the world and then my computer crashed... lemme try again...

    rain is just one more form of crying

    this line is my line of the day... seriously... theres something about it that grabs me... perhaps its coz to me its a conglomeration of "cry me a river" (damn billie holiday and dinah washington melt me with that song...) and the notion of rain being the tears of gods and/or angels... whatever it is there seems to be beauty and softness in that line... i like it.

    i like the random line breaks... they give it a more signature feel... make it more yours... ya know? like it makes the reader put aside their preconcieved notions of how they think it should be... makes the write take on a different life... i like that... i also have no idea if you know what i am on about... lol.

    can you fill me in on that Sisyphus guy...? i feel like i could be missing out on something crucial as i have no idea what this reference is about...?

    anyways yeah... over all i kinda liked this.
    | Posted on 2005-03-12 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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